I keep floating through cyberspace, in and out of communities, and so now I'm back on Oasis. For now, at least. I am a hypocrite because it makes me sad when others disappear for a while (but then I'm happy when they return). And I realize I've been doing the same to all of you. Sorry.
So I've been doing the same as always, I guess you could say.
I've been thinking a ton about gender. And on the one hand, I love that because thinking of my gender makes me feel less broken. And at the same time, I can't stand it because it just reminds me of how broken I really am.
So I took a test this past Friday in my Spanish class and received the test (with a score) yesterday.
We had a few short answer/essays to do and for one of them, it was asking us to talk about our childhood imagination and stuff (it seems random, I know, but that included a ton of our vocabulary from the chapter we had just finished).
Haven't had dinner plans in ages!
I cant wait to see him. <3
So I'm probably not going to be having therapy at all this week.
I am scared.
One of my guy friends has been saying things that aren't helping...telling me I should just tell him what's going on because apparently that's "more" helpful than going to the crisis center (and that time I *REALLY* needed to be at the center, but I listened to him). Or he'll say things that I just can't stand. A few times about gender, a few times about my mental health. And a few times accusing me of being some big grouch (those weren't his words, to be honest).
There are a plethora of reasons why I do not drive. However, being legally able to drive and deciding not to do so, people see my decision as one made out of laziness or apathy. Neither of which is true.
The decision for me not to drive was one I made consciously, not at the spur of a moment, nor under the influence of anything or anyone. Independently, I arrived at my decision.
I met with a guy at the career development services today. We talked about majors because I don't have one and I have no idea.
I have a career in mind but no major yet.
Until today, sort of. I mean its not official and I'm still researching this. But I think I may major in Sociology and then get a minor in Social Work.
I'm thinking of confiding in the religious leader near where I live.
I'm going to talk to him about everythng that's going on. As of a few weeks ago, he didn't really know me, at all, really. But that's changed since the trip and stuff.
He knows my name. I've even sat with him and his wife a few times while we were away. They were (and still are) very sweet people and seem very open.
So I came out today.
Today is officially my second day back at school. So I've now had all of my classes once. They all seem really great (I don't want to jinx that, though). The professors are approachable, want to learn names, seem to be caring individuals. My guess of their age (granted, my age guesstimations are not so great) is that they're all probably in their 30s.
I'm getting tired, so I think I'll just expand on this journal tomorrow, but I wanted to write some now so I remember what it is I want to say.
I've been feeling a lot more confident (not wholly confident and not necessarily at ease, but quite a bit more confident than before) in terms of my gender and my gender presentation.
I'm really happy I've met my goal in terms of weight loss.
I lost five pounds in about 10 days!! I'm really happy with that and I'm hoping that I can keep that weight off!
When Lemon fell off the camel I got really scared. I couldn't show my fear though, because I didn't want the kids to become even more upset. But I was afraid Lemon was going to die. Laceration to the head and hands...it didn't look good.
He made it. Oh my goodness he made it.
I feel so exceptionally happy right now its ridiculous!!!!!!
yippedidoda yippediday my oh my what a wonderful day, plenty of sunshine, headed my way yippedidoda yippediday.
Well it doesn't matter. I won't be on here for a while anyway. Bye.
I am sick of being made fun of here. This is supposed to be a supportive place....a place where glbtqqia (etc) feel *safe* and welcome. I don't feel either on this site...neither safe nor welcome.
I'm putting this out here to express my disgust with how I've been treated.
Please note, there is a difference between making a joke and making fun. The line has been crossed. Its not funny. It hurts.
Where do you draw the line of poking fun and cyberbullying? You tell me...is this repeated shit that has been thrown at me, that's *just* merely poking fun? I don't think so.
Feeling cold and clammy.
I haven't eaten in seven hours really. And I'm terribly hungry but I'm also feeling sick to my stomach. This is expected, though, I guess.
Cleaning an unbelievable amount. Partly because I have to but it also helps me feel better about this whole thing. It makes me at least somewhat more confident in myself.
Not thinking the same as usual, still quite a lot, though. Feeling a ton. Emotions scare me. I don't know which emotion is the worst. But I think they're all pretty terrible.