Hoping I dont have a concussion. I'm not going to the ER or anything. I'm treating it like a headache. But someone told me it may be worse because of the circumstances.
A part of me wanted to pretend I'm okay and not journal again for a long while. But this stuff shouldn't really be kept a secret I don't think.
I'm pushing away from people a lot again because of what's happening in my life.
I can't really focus on schoolwork because I sit at the computer and I can't get anything done. I just don't feel like it.
So there have been a few homophobic incidents recently where I live and its despicable and disgusting how little is done about it.
I won't use details because I don't want to trigger anyone.
But this really pisses me off and I wanted to say something but I didn't know where I could do so.
A couple weeks ago there was a anti-gay incident and then a couple days later, the cops arrested people that were trying to stick up for the gay people involved.
This next incident hits closer to home.
I've been very socially anxious lately for a score of reasons. I mean, I've been socially anxious before, that's not new, but its been pretty bad lately.
I really do not feel comfortable around people. There are only a few people that I can be around and feel okay. But walking around campus, I feel terrible. I hate looking other kids my age in the eyes. I feel inferior to them. In classes, I feel like I'm always saying the stupid thing, the wrong answer, or that I'm talking too much. I don't know how to interact with people.
I may be going to the hospital on Thursday. I'll try to update you all but don't know that I'll have a chance to do so between the time of me finding out and then the time I go to get admitted and such.
Scary as hell.
its weird maybe but right at this very moment i wish i had different bottom parts in me. right now i really want to have one.
I wake up itchy from the fleece blanket lying on top of me. I remove it to see my legs emerging from too-short shorts. And I try and raise my head but I cannot do so at first. I remember what happened last night and my head is still recovering.
I'm going to write my thoughts in short sentences as I remember them instead of trying to filter them down and think them through to slow down my brain to write them down...otherwise the thoughts will change if I butcher the way they come to me in order to make it look prettier on a computer screen.
So, anyway, here goes:
-I've been having very strong urges to engage in risky sex with a guy.
-I was up to 45 days clean but then I broke it yesterday afternoon.
-I have one week til I next see my therapist.
-I need to talk to her about what my options are.
So Sunday night was the queer event I mentioned. I decided that I would go. It was so fucking amazing.
At the moment I will do a shorter review of it, but maybe a longer review will be coming, if interest is shown by others.
It was a big group of self-identifying queers/self-identifying punks there. So amazing.
This morning I'm wearing a tank top and t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts from my old school. Somehow, the tank top and t-shirt actually do a pretty good job of concealing my chest. Which is strange because I just put the shirt on without trying to bind or conceal my chest. Anyway, from the side, I'm pretty sure I'm relatively close to being flat! Yay :).
The shorts, which are two sizes too big, are so comfortable...they're black mesh shorts and go down to my knees (and I wear them right at the waist).
I think I forgot to make a journal about this, but maybe that's just because I'm blocking it out--or trying to, anyway. My dog died.
Trigger alert: eating disorders
So I wanted to write a journal entry so here goes.
i havent heard from zev in a really long time. does anyone know where he is/has been and/or if he's ok?
The title of this journal entry is the name of a song from the Broadway musical RENT.
im still alive. dont know if anyone was wondering or cared, but yes. im alive.