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Hoping this isnt a concussion

Hoping I dont have a concussion. I'm not going to the ER or anything. I'm treating it like a headache. But someone told me it may be worse because of the circumstances.

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The Different Parts of Me

A part of me wanted to pretend I'm okay and not journal again for a long while. But this stuff shouldn't really be kept a secret I don't think.

I'm pushing away from people a lot again because of what's happening in my life.

I can't really focus on schoolwork because I sit at the computer and I can't get anything done. I just don't feel like it.

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I'm Praying for You

So there have been a few homophobic incidents recently where I live and its despicable and disgusting how little is done about it.

I won't use details because I don't want to trigger anyone.

But this really pisses me off and I wanted to say something but I didn't know where I could do so.

A couple weeks ago there was a anti-gay incident and then a couple days later, the cops arrested people that were trying to stick up for the gay people involved.

This next incident hits closer to home.

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Social Anxiety / Social Phobia

I've been very socially anxious lately for a score of reasons. I mean, I've been socially anxious before, that's not new, but its been pretty bad lately.

I really do not feel comfortable around people. There are only a few people that I can be around and feel okay. But walking around campus, I feel terrible. I hate looking other kids my age in the eyes. I feel inferior to them. In classes, I feel like I'm always saying the stupid thing, the wrong answer, or that I'm talking too much. I don't know how to interact with people.

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Thursday

I may be going to the hospital on Thursday. I'll try to update you all but don't know that I'll have a chance to do so between the time of me finding out and then the time I go to get admitted and such.

Yucky.

Scary as hell.

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transdude stuff. ftm anatomy shtuffs

its weird maybe but right at this very moment i wish i had different bottom parts in me. right now i really want to have one.

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Submit Journal entry

I wake up itchy from the fleece blanket lying on top of me. I remove it to see my legs emerging from too-short shorts. And I try and raise my head but I cannot do so at first. I remember what happened last night and my head is still recovering.

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Now the Not-So-Happy-Joyous Update

I'm going to write my thoughts in short sentences as I remember them instead of trying to filter them down and think them through to slow down my brain to write them down...otherwise the thoughts will change if I butcher the way they come to me in order to make it look prettier on a computer screen.

So, anyway, here goes:
-I've been having very strong urges to engage in risky sex with a guy.
-I was up to 45 days clean but then I broke it yesterday afternoon.
-I have one week til I next see my therapist.
-I need to talk to her about what my options are.

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Entering Public (Sorta) as Eli...Meeting Other Queer People

So Sunday night was the queer event I mentioned. I decided that I would go. It was so fucking amazing.

At the moment I will do a shorter review of it, but maybe a longer review will be coming, if interest is shown by others.

It was a big group of self-identifying queers/self-identifying punks there. So amazing.

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Me Talking Trans Stuff

So...trans stuff...

This morning I'm wearing a tank top and t-shirt and a pair of gym shorts from my old school. Somehow, the tank top and t-shirt actually do a pretty good job of concealing my chest. Which is strange because I just put the shirt on without trying to bind or conceal my chest. Anyway, from the side, I'm pretty sure I'm relatively close to being flat! Yay :).

The shorts, which are two sizes too big, are so comfortable...they're black mesh shorts and go down to my knees (and I wear them right at the waist).

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Oh, Did I Forget To Tell You?

I think I forgot to make a journal about this, but maybe that's just because I'm blocking it out--or trying to, anyway. My dog died.

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Disordered Eating?

Trigger alert: eating disorders

So I wanted to write a journal entry so here goes.

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where is he?

i havent heard from zev in a really long time. does anyone know where he is/has been and/or if he's ok?

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"Take Me or Leave Me"

The title of this journal entry is the name of a song from the Broadway musical RENT.

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oh and yeah.

im still alive. dont know if anyone was wondering or cared, but yes. im alive.

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