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swirlyswirlswirlyswirlllllllll. ooooooohhhh...llook. its a wizerdddd

ohhh shiz mes been p all days and worriyng bout dat latest det thats always in dem news. dem dam news. gotta fuckin shake the maraka ladies and jents. gotta clue on how 2 do? ea me to. like a panda boar andd a tube of toothpasete. gin rummy was always always alyways da ANSWER. fauck yeah. sww vVWWWA VW FOIN1 RIP S tip da botll like a drubnk.
me nose entwer aa/na yet ya fools. this shitssssssssssszzz tastin to damn fuckdaring esome. keepin kleeeen aint ze pount a live cuz dats so fucarking borenggggg mainnnnn. so y not we call it a gohead and take diz shitz togever.
see wat morow brings.

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Stepping Back (TRIGGER: use of the F WORD and other swearing)

I don't need help--nor therapy, no meds. Its all a load of shit. I don't need any of it. I am not fucking depressed.
I wish people would step the fuck away from me. I don't need to see any more social workers, no more psychologists, no more psychiatrists. I don't need help. I don't need people asking me how I'm doing and if I'm safe every five seconds.

I still don't get why I need therapy. I'm the opposite of needing help...I am good. I'm fine. I'll make do. But I donn't want to have therapy or meds or help--paying for things I don't need. Gotta save up my money.

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pure magic.

I'm blazinnnnnn and this here horses kickin beanth me is tellin me to
turn around. Camles drinking rum pretty fucking runny and. Hoarse and
you become pretty attached to the walls. U don believe me? Take a
lookc for yousself and inspect deez blueeeeeeeGreennnnnn was with
mangos coming outta dem. Have u never seen mangos and manga mixed up?
They both have the same first three letters as maniaaaaaaa and just
pops right out there infronta ya the big scary Bozeman bossman with
his brown suit nd orange green briefcase. Yes airs a case foe yer

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Dayzeyy Paisleyy

Soooooooo this is gunna be one heck of a fun one cuzzzzzzzzzz bebe that eyedea is one helluva good one. and that rainbow over there? yeah, way out there past the poppy field and all the bunches of daizesssss, yeah, that one. that right there is paradise, im tellin ya kid. rainbowz be the bestest cause they shine brighter than any flurosent lite uve eva had. and u know what? those things, they aint stayin out much longer. soon we's gonna be goin back to them old lanternlites. theys be gooooooooooooooooooood cept for the mosquitoz that they atttract to their lean body shape.

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Silly Me

I was feeling not good, but almost okay earlier. Silly of me to believe that.

Right now I feel like shit. I'm such a fucking cow.
And the urges are full-blown. Everytime they come up, they are so strong. I dont know that I'll ever build a tolerance for them...each time they come up, I don't know. Its so fucking hard.

And I feel like I dont have anyone.

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4 4 4 3 4 4 4 4 3 4...

I cannot stop counting and its driving my nuts and interferring with my writing I have to do for class--I'm writing a speech--and I have to give it tonight.

I wish I could just *stop*...I know that for those of you without OCD and don't know someone suffering from it, you maay say something along the lines of "Eli, just stop counting..." I wish it were that easy. But its really, really not.

So I can't stop counting.

I didn't even swear in this essay.

Your politically correct friend,
Eli.

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Facebook Depression, Day 11

Today is 11 days clean.

I'm also restarting my break from Facebook for as long as I possibly can hold out. No its not the sole source of my depression, but it definitely does not help to see large groups of friends together laughing and enjoying themselves.

Well, back to my essay. My essay written in response to a controversial essay we read in class.

Anyway, still crappy.

Call me any nickname/name you want.
I hate the idea of the name Eli being tainted by my depression.

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Today is Day 1

Today is the first day for this latest anti-depressant med increase. Dunno how it will go.

Right now I'm in a terrible mood (no, I know it doesn't kick in right away...it takes many many weeks). But the way I feel...I dont even know that I could say it here. Its too heavy a subject.

So how are all of you?

##

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Two hours

Will write more tomorrow

Had a two hour long doctor appointment today. And guess what... It's been two whole weeks and prospective therapist still hasn't called back

Pretty hopeless
Ugh.... Please? Someone talk to me...?

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Random thoughts since I last wrote a journal

Today is one week. It feels like its been so much longer...so much more drawn out.

Prospective therapist hasn't called back. I called again (and left a message). Its been about 2 weeks now and absolutely nothing from her :( . Losing hope on that front because besides the one I have now is not a healthy option for me. But as of now, she's the only OCD specialist in the area who is available. WHAT THE FUCK? So basically its shitty therapy or no therapy at all....hmm...lose-lose situation.

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Spilling my thoughts

So I have a bad headache right now, already took pills for it a couple hours ago. Whatever...I guess. It just hurts like hell.

Anyway, I feel like giving up. I really do.
This all takes way too much fucking work.

There are few people that I want to talk to right now because I've given up on so many others. People have stopped talking to me. Period. Its so fucking stupid. And I'm sick and tired of chasing after them like some goshdarn needy little puppy.

Its fucked up. I hate this right now.
I feel like shit. Maybe because I am.

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I.

I woke up smiling today.

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For lack of a better title...

Saw psychiatrist this morning.
Saw previous therapist.
Didn't go as I had planned.
Left practically in tears.

And now sitting here thinking.

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I am stressing the fuck out

So the call i was talking about in one of my previous journal entries was for a prospective therapist of mine. Mid-May, she told me that I could call her in a month because maybe then she'd have an opening. So I called her last Friday, didn't hear from her. I dont even know if she has a spot for me or not. Still haven't heard from her.

Things with the current therapist are going downhill pretty fast.

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This time

This time I made it 13 days.
Now restarting the count. Yes, again.

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