6 days clean.
So in my Women's Studies class, I feel like the trans* representative. Which actually makes me terribly happy. I love it.
Whenever the professor is talking about trans* stuff, she'll sort of end her sentences with a question mark and then look at me for back-up. I love it. So last night I was talking a lot about trans* issues and transgenderism in general. Kept using examples of females-to-males, since I honestly am not so knowledgeable about males-to-females.
I wonder if people are wondering about me in class. Well, who knows. They can think whatever the fuck they please.
I'm back and the raging bottom dysphoria has started to subside. Still quite a bit of chest dysphoria, but that's a lot easier for me to deal with.
My raging bottom dysphoria from the other day put me into a full body panic and it was just a bad scene all over.
I'm going to try and skip over the boring mental health shit and talk about real stuff.
I've started to learn word tricks to do in my mind when I need to distract my mind. So that's cool I guess.
Deciding whether or not to attend PRIDE events.
Um....lemme see....what else?!
Mental Health Note: stupid relapse.
so I think I'll have to stop my journal entries for a bit.
as of today, I now have raging (gender) bottom dysphoria. yes i want to talk but no i'm not ready to talk about it.
i should wait until things smooth out for me. ill still be here, just taking some days off from journaling.
So lately I've been feeling really weird because sometimes if I see myself from only the neck up in a mirror, I think I'm a guy. And then I see a pair of things that would tell me otherwise. And then I get confused. And I say to myself, "Wait, I'm not a boy?"
Its such a weird feeling.
Tried on binder today...made me really sick. So need to figure out what I'll do.
I've been liking male pronouns, can't remember if I already said that somewhere else.
So I was eating dinner with my parents and weirdest shit ever...
I'm sending telepathic messages to you and hoping you're receiving them...
I was going to write a journal entry but I cant.
...I'm working on very little sleep
...I'm so fucking emotional
...I'm extremely triggered
...I don't want anyone to know my thoughts
...I want to separate myself from my body/mind
...I want to stop thinking about the shit that's happened in the past
...and I just fucking want to self-harm again.
She wrote back!!! YAY
But I dont understand what she wrote...
I dont know what I want out of this journal entry but I feel like I want to write. I need to talk to someone outside of my family. I've been sitting in the same place for literally hours now. I just sit here and dont get up.
So I know I *should* be mad or annoyed with myself or even partly turned off, but I'm not. This is in terms of what I did the other night. Well, there wasn't a mark so I was thinking..."oh, okay, no mark, that's fine." But am I screwed up for not being pissed that a mark did show up today?
Whoops, yeah, not my smartest move...
broke 24 days clean.
Dysphoria--I hate you. You're always an unwelcome guest.
You make me feel like shit.
Triggerwarning--stupid genderqueerphobic people.
Yay, finally, a journal all about trans stuff!! Woot woot.
Lets see, lots of stuff has happened with me and my genderqueer self...
Feeling really triggered right now and reliving the trauma.