Well for those of you who were missing my lack of really heavy journals, you're in luck. 'Cause here;s gonna be one crazy heavy journal.
I'm depressed, no new news there. But its gotten a lot worse. So I'm still trying to look into my options. I'm thinking I'll quit therapy, but who knows. Its just not working. And after I had made so much progress, I Feel like I'm back to where I was a while ago.
this does not feel good.
I dont really sleep or eat anymore. I feel like a dead robot.
So my dissociations stopped for a while but they've started up again. Usually they're okay because they'll happen when I'm sitting in my house doing homework or something. Or sometimes I partially zone out when I'm in a conversation or reading, but something scary happened the other day as a result of my dissociation.
It was actually pretty fucking frightening because now that I think about it, I'm pretty damn lucky I got through it.
So, here I am. Its now been 8 days. And today I'm pretty nervous for a multitude of reasons. But since I'm highly superstitious, I'm afraid if I write it, it'll jynx me. So I'll just say I put in a call to someone today and once the person calls back I'll know either GOOD or BAD. Crossing my fingers.
I know she'll call back because the other two or three times I've called her, she's called back if she couldn't pick up the phone at the time of me calling her.
Nothing yet...wish me luck with that call...I'm sitting at the edge of my seat.
6 days clean.
So in my Women's Studies class, I feel like the trans* representative. Which actually makes me terribly happy. I love it.
Whenever the professor is talking about trans* stuff, she'll sort of end her sentences with a question mark and then look at me for back-up. I love it. So last night I was talking a lot about trans* issues and transgenderism in general. Kept using examples of females-to-males, since I honestly am not so knowledgeable about males-to-females.
I wonder if people are wondering about me in class. Well, who knows. They can think whatever the fuck they please.
I'm back and the raging bottom dysphoria has started to subside. Still quite a bit of chest dysphoria, but that's a lot easier for me to deal with.
My raging bottom dysphoria from the other day put me into a full body panic and it was just a bad scene all over.
I'm going to try and skip over the boring mental health shit and talk about real stuff.
I've started to learn word tricks to do in my mind when I need to distract my mind. So that's cool I guess.
Deciding whether or not to attend PRIDE events.
Um....lemme see....what else?!
Mental Health Note: stupid relapse.
so I think I'll have to stop my journal entries for a bit.
as of today, I now have raging (gender) bottom dysphoria. yes i want to talk but no i'm not ready to talk about it.
i should wait until things smooth out for me. ill still be here, just taking some days off from journaling.
So lately I've been feeling really weird because sometimes if I see myself from only the neck up in a mirror, I think I'm a guy. And then I see a pair of things that would tell me otherwise. And then I get confused. And I say to myself, "Wait, I'm not a boy?"
Its such a weird feeling.
Tried on binder today...made me really sick. So need to figure out what I'll do.
I've been liking male pronouns, can't remember if I already said that somewhere else.
So I was eating dinner with my parents and weirdest shit ever...
I'm sending telepathic messages to you and hoping you're receiving them...
I was going to write a journal entry but I cant.
...I'm working on very little sleep
...I'm so fucking emotional
...I'm extremely triggered
...I don't want anyone to know my thoughts
...I want to separate myself from my body/mind
...I want to stop thinking about the shit that's happened in the past
...and I just fucking want to self-harm again.
She wrote back!!! YAY
But I dont understand what she wrote...
I dont know what I want out of this journal entry but I feel like I want to write. I need to talk to someone outside of my family. I've been sitting in the same place for literally hours now. I just sit here and dont get up.
So I know I *should* be mad or annoyed with myself or even partly turned off, but I'm not. This is in terms of what I did the other night. Well, there wasn't a mark so I was thinking..."oh, okay, no mark, that's fine." But am I screwed up for not being pissed that a mark did show up today?
Whoops, yeah, not my smartest move...
broke 24 days clean.
Dysphoria--I hate you. You're always an unwelcome guest.
You make me feel like shit.