So yeah, here I am. Yes, I'm alive.
Flyby told me that people were worried about me.

Basically, my life's been shit lately. And I know you all have your own lives, so I didn't want to barge in and bitch about whats been going on.

At times my anger and depression have been through the roof.

I'M SORRY I'M NOT A FUCKING PERFECT ANGEL.

I don't know what to do. I'm so depressed right now and without any supports. Fuck.

I don't want to talk about it but I need to. Lemme just say outright that this gives me a boatload of dysphoria.
I'm having a female problem but I can't tell anyone. I'm ashamed and embarrassed. It's happened to me before so I want to ignore it but it's painful. I don't know who I can tell this to in real life As there is no one I can admit this too

Ughhh I should figure this out. It hurts. And I can't sleep because of it so the top amount of sleep I'll get now is 4.5 hours

Hmph

From your very own
Dysphoric Eli

So I came out to my professor from Intro to Women's Studies....she is amazing. I wasn't sure if I was going to tell her, but then she came out to us during class, talking about her girlfriend.

Um yeah, I told her about the old lesbian identifying part of myself in previous years...she even said I was brave for coming out to my parents at such a young age.

And told her that "I swear ,every day I wake up, and I'm a different gender. I'm like always changing."

Oh my goodnesss....I'm on a practically high/buzzed feeling from the coming out right now. '

I'm thinking of coming out to my Intro to Women's Studies professor. But I have a few things that I'd like some opinions on...

1) How to do it? (In person or over email)?
2) Any suggestions on how to start off?
3) Do I say I'm not out to family/friends but need support? I don't want anyone else to find out just yet...I'm not ready for that.
4) Anything you think I really should remember to mention?
5) Anything I should steer clear of saying? Anything to avoid?

So I had two classes today and one of them was my Intro to Women's Studies class. It was the first class and the professor was so fucking awesome.

We even have some classes devoted to queer stuff and are reading some pretty famous people's work (like Kate Bornstein, for example). We also have a project where we have to present as a different gender in at least one way for 5 consecutive days. GETTING A GRADE FOR GENDERFUCKING? HELL YES.

Anyway, I'm thinking I want to email her to sort of come out as genderconfused, but I don't know if I should and if so , what do I say?

Dear Invalidating Person,

You don't know how much you hurt me when you cut me out of your life completely. Stopped talking to me in person, stopped seeing me in person, stopped talking with me on the phone, stopped talking to me online.

I feel invisible to her. I want just to fucking talk to her. Give her a hug.

I want to have her back in my life. I want to matter.

I wish I wasn't so easy to close, as if a book, and be put on the shelf. People leave me so often...I guess I don't give them what they want in a friendship. I'm a fucking asshole, I know it.

I decided to not go on Oasis for a while because a certain someone really offended me.

But then, thanks to a little baby rainbowsy, I was convinced to come back.

So I'm trying to think of the pros and cons of a situation...
I'm tempted by the thought of quitting therapy.

Yes, okay, I know I need it.
But I don't know that I have the energy needed to put up with having to find a new therapist again.

By the way, I cut out the majority of what I first wrote in the journal entry draft because its stuff that people don't need to hear and is better discussed with no one.

So what's been going on in the life of Eli, you may ask? Well, here's my answer...
If you're a common person, aka neighbor/relative/random acquaintence/people I've met but will never see again: I'm quite well, thanks, and yourself?

If you're my previous therapist or a confidant (which I don't really have any right now), then this is what I would explain:

Yesterday I fell down a set of steps (no it was not on purpose, no it was not a way for me to inflict pain on myself, nor was it self-harm). It was one hundred percent accidental. Anyway, I fell down the steps. And its embarrassing because the set of steps where I fell down, there were only 3 stairs. But I fell hard I guess because it took me a moment or two to get up. And this morning I woke up sore. Right now, the whole right side of my body is really sore and in pain. I cant really raise my right arm without pain. Yeah, this is just great.

I really hate myself right now...extremely so. I'm fighting all my urges to not write how I feel about myself right now.

Could all of you help me and write like one or two lines ...positives about me? Then I could read those in times like these.

Open your closet door...cause I came out last night.
It was to one of my friends, we'll call her O.

So O came out to me about a month ago (maybe a little bit more than that) as pansexual. So I figured that if she knew what the word "pansexual" means (not many people do) and identifies herself as pansexual, then she must be okay with gender variations, genderqueerity, genderfucking, etc.

So last night, online, I was talking to O and then asked her if there was a time that I could talk to her about something sometime.

Trigger warning...this post will contain the following material: talk of self-harm, relapse, depression, anxiety, and anything else that may come up in comments from others (if there are any).

I don't need your pity. Really, I don't.

But as I've said, my depression has been really bad. To the extent that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore and I avoid it for hours. Its not because of my gender issues. Its because I don't feel like doing it.
Anyway, I told my doctor this on Friday and so she is having me start another anti-depressant.

So I texted my old therapist because she said I could this weekend even though I finished up with her this past Friday. She saidthat I could still contact her for coaching cause she knows this weekend, as I predicted, would be difficult and triggering.

About an hour ago, after stalling/ avoiding for about half an hour, I decide to text her. I did but haven't heard back. That's fine. But being so triggered earlier and still triggered now, I couldn't just let things go... I never can.

So I've been going through the contact list on my phone looking for someone to text. There's no one.