Open your closet door...cause I came out last night.
It was to one of my friends, we'll call her O.
So O came out to me about a month ago (maybe a little bit more than that) as pansexual. So I figured that if she knew what the word "pansexual" means (not many people do) and identifies herself as pansexual, then she must be okay with gender variations, genderqueerity, genderfucking, etc.
So last night, online, I was talking to O and then asked her if there was a time that I could talk to her about something sometime.
Trigger warning...this post will contain the following material: talk of self-harm, relapse, depression, anxiety, and anything else that may come up in comments from others (if there are any).
I don't need your pity. Really, I don't.
But as I've said, my depression has been really bad. To the extent that just getting up to go to the bathroom is a chore and I avoid it for hours. Its not because of my gender issues. Its because I don't feel like doing it.
Anyway, I told my doctor this on Friday and so she is having me start another anti-depressant.
So I texted my old therapist because she said I could this weekend even though I finished up with her this past Friday. She saidthat I could still contact her for coaching cause she knows this weekend, as I predicted, would be difficult and triggering.
About an hour ago, after stalling/ avoiding for about half an hour, I decide to text her. I did but haven't heard back. That's fine. But being so triggered earlier and still triggered now, I couldn't just let things go... I never can.
So I've been going through the contact list on my phone looking for someone to text. There's no one.
I woke at 5:55 this morning and I don't have classes. My first thing today is therapy at noon.
This is the day I've been dreading. Last day in my group therapy program and last day with therapist whom I like.
So I was not so happy about the coming of today.
I am not relieved that it's Friday.
I don't know how to pull myself through this. Goodbyes are so fucking painful. Especially when I'm not the one to be pulling away.
I'm scared and sad and angry.
I need someone to hold me and love me and never let go.
Uhm, I think I can pass now. EXCITINGNESS.
I got just about all my hair chopped off. I'm not saying I got a trim and exaggerating the importance. No, I got several inches taken off...gone. And with it, a good deal of the certainty that everyone else seems to have that I'm a girl. I think this new cut may make people do a double take.
And I'm glad. I dont want people to be certain about me.
So I dont have any classes left in this semester, but I will be taking summer classes. So that's cool. But they'll meet me as this PERSON (not girl, notice) with the short short hair.
Today was shitty. Worse than yesterday. I was so excited for therapy. Until my therapist told me that Friday is my last day.
I got so angry/furious, so stressed, so depressed, so sad. All at once. My therapist then had to meet with someone else and I just stared off into space in disbelief.
Then I didnt know how to express my anger because usually I just turn it in on myself. But then there were crayons at therapy so I broke one. And it felt temporarily better.
Then at the end of therapy I had this long-ass talk with my therapist and almost started crying.
So I saw the new therapist again today. I still don't like her. And she made me talk about shit today and then it was like "okay, its time to go" and I wanted to yell and scream at her. I was so mad with her and so sad. Walking to the bus I had a hard time not succumbing to tears. I really wanted to.
I've been longing for a hug from my former friend, M. This is the same girl that has not talked to me at all in several months, though I havent talked to her in person in over a year and haven't seen her in over a year.
I dont tell anyone about the recurring dreams I have of her where I get to hug her.
I wake up and I feel a void in my body, my heart, my mind, my soul. Its so painful and even more painful because of the fact that I can't tell anyone about it.
Its because when E took her life, I felt like a part of M died, too.
So I need to talk about what went on today.
I'll set up the back story first. I'm socially awkward and have a good deal of social anxiety. Can't even look someone in the eye without feeling like shyt about myself...the inner judgments from and to myself, the scolding from and to myself, and the list goes on.
So as with many of my anxieties, and things that make me anxious, I avoid them in order to avoid dealing with the anxiety that goes along with it.
Just had a panic attack.
I WISH THAT I HAD DIFFERENT PARENTS. OKAY, THERE I SAID IT.
I WANT *her* TO BE MY MOM INSTEAD. IM SICK OF HIDING ALL THIS SHIT.
This is too damn hard.
All the titles, creative ones , that is, that I can think of have nothing to do with what I wanted to talk about. Eek , sorry that sentence ended on a preposition. Anywayyy...I'll tell you a little bit about what's new with me....
Since last talking about sleep, I've become a professional insomniac. Too bad I can't get paid for it. Last night I went to bed at 2:30 which is pretty annoying considering I wake up at 6:30. Yeahhh...
I actually can no longer sleep in my room because of how badly it triggers me. Its a shame. I havent slept there (my room) for months now.
An encouraging note I wrote to myself.
Here where I live, there are 28 minutes left of April 12, thank you thank you thank you.
Awful day except for therapy. Whatever.
Got the "It Gets Better" book from the library...surprised its out so early, considering it didnt come out until March 22.
by the way, big pet peeve of mine is when people put book titles in quotation marks, but I dont know how to effectively italicize and/or underline on here...last time I tried italicizinghere it turned the whole website into italicized text and Jeff had to come to my rescue XP
So f****ing triggered. Just great.
Really, April 11th? Couldn't this trigger have come up like a week earlier or a week later?
Grateful for texts w/ therapist.