Is it possible to want to die, but not want to kill yourself? I mean...I wouldn't say I am suicidal...but I don't want to live. No...I think what I mean to say is that I don't want to feel. I think some people confuse not wanting to live and not wanting to feel. See...the thing is...sometimes I wish I was a cutter. I mean...cutters cut because they want to feel something. They can't feel without hurting themselves physically. I want to STOP feeling. I feel too much. I wish I could turn off my physical feeling and my emotion.
I'm sick and tired of "bi" girls. I'm freaking DONE with being the experiment. I hate the fact that almost every girl I like decides to use me. Kiss me, touch me, whisper sweet things to me. And then dump me on the side of the road. I feel like I'm lost in the tundra with nothing on but my scarred skin. I want to be loved, damn it! I want to, at least ONCE, feel appreciated. LOVE. Isn't that what I'm about?
I fell again. And I'm struggling with all I have to climb up the slippery face of sanity....I've never used a lover's name in a poem before...but I needed to...I just HAD to...
Your breath upon my neck,
how silently sweet.
My wrists are in your tender grip,
hold me in control!
Don't let me escape you!
I groan your name with loving hatred
for what you can do to me in my time of draconian emotion.
Why does your tongue have to taste like that?
Why can you hit the spots she never could?
My lungs are on fire,
So for no apparent reason lately, I've been thinking about my childhood and how much it...well...sucked ass. lol I mean, like I've said before, I HATE whining...but I think now's the time to get it out. Let others see what my...world was....and what it is now...
Yeaaa...soooo...er..when I wrote this it wasn't supposed to sound like it's about sex. I swear. But it just kinda ended up that way...but anyway..it was supposed to be about...losing control and not exactly liking it or hating it...but yea.....
Convulsions tear my nerves apart.
Feel those tightening grips around my body.
Do you like that?
My flesh contacts concrete,
over and over and over.
Screams silent in this waking hour.
I will try to find a space within the pity of fear.
Rape of love.
Let's get one thing straight: I hate whiners. Plain and Simple. But that doesn't help me at all when I want to vent and I start feeling like a whiner. And thus...I begin to hate myself. Ladies and Gentlemen of the jury, please! Explain why I can't help myself!!! No..I can't ask that of you...you don't even know me. I always have kids coming to me and saying that I'm so brave..I don't let anything hurt me...nothing can make Shiv bleed.....
I..have...no...words...Here I am, this full blown freaking LESBIAN. And I just asked out A GUY. Alert the media, people! I'm officially confused as F%&K. So if you've read my previous entries, my best guy friend is in love with me. And you know what, I'm slightly attracted to him, but for only his MIND. He's not...sexually attractive to me. I've kissed him before, but it was a dare, and it was so short that I wasn't even sure what I felt. I mean...we've both talked about it, and he said that he would not even try to get me to like him.
I suddenly realized that I'm kind of scared of my own mind and emotions. For a little while now, I've been taking these natural mood enhancers (aka hippie anti-depressants) and they're AMAZING. I'm so happy and they work really fast. There was no period of like..getting used to them. It's just pop two in my mouth and a little while later, I feel happy. But it's not like a HIGH happy. Nothing like that. But it's like...if something is funny...to me it's 100 times funnier.
Sometimes, I honestly can't stand not KNOWING why I feel the way I feel. Why am I GAY?! Is it genetic?? Is it because I was raised by a single mother and she had tons of lesbian and gay friends? Is it because my father skipped out when she told him she was pregnant? Is it because boys have physically and mentally tortured me my whole life??? WHY?
So...this is about my kinda recent confusion (me, confused?! BAHAHA) over my oldest friend. We've been best friends since like...3rd grade...and I guess I've always known that she was beautiful and stuff but...I never LET myself realize it...and well...some physical stuff has happened lately with her and it made me see how much I truly care for her. But...I knew it wouldn't last...and it didn't.... -_-
I roll over to face her.
She turns her hazel gaze on me,
making my heart speed.
Ok...so I've been lucky in my life. I've only ever met hostility about my sexuality MAYBE twice in my life. One of those times was when the parents of my BEST friend...best friends for almost 4 years...told met that I was forbidden to spend time with her in her room alone because I fell under the category of "boy". That was a slap in the face. I couldn't understand how these people who had known me for years, let me sleep over their house, eaten countless dinners with me, watched me and their daughter grow up together....treat me like that.
Yea....So I'm at my grandmother's house and usually these visits turn into basically a Sio v. Grandma boxing match. We don't agree on a lot of thing, and sure I love her and I KNOW she loves me, but still....she's difficult. So the whole subject of me being a lesbian has been sort of a...hot topic, you could say. It's just kind of like...Grandma: "Oh, don't worry, you'll out grow it! Don't you remember that amazing fireman we saw two years ago? You thought he was stunning, see, it's ok!"
So yea...as you may know if you read my last journal entry..I've been having hetero boy problems lately...*facedesk*...So I kind of lost my mind and decided to see what it was like to really kiss a guy. A friend of mine who I highly doubt is into me..I've kinda been interested...more just "appreciating his good looks". But When I did it was....ug....read the poem and there it is....
Wet my lips with my expectant tongue.
Kiss kiss kiss kiss.
Movements I know so well.
I'm the pro!
Yeaaa....so life's kinda...awkward right now...I'm a lesbian. Pure and simple, right??? *twitch*....I have never been attracted to boys before. I have only ever been attracted to girls! GIRLS GIRLS GIRLS! And now, all of a sudden, my best friend in the world (a dude) wants me. ME! of all people! He's basically in love with me! And I can feel it, every time I'm around him alone...I can see it in his eyes, feel it in his arms when he hugs me. But I can't....I just can't. He's not...terrible looking, but he's not like what you'd call a "looker" either.
So this is obviously a rewritten version of I Will Follow You Into The Dark by Death Cab For Cutie. It's my favorite song of allllll time and it's sort of..."our song" with my best friend Molly and I. For Valentine's Day I couldn't figure out what to write in her valentine and then I just decided to personalize our song. She loved it and hugged me about 40 billion times lol :) So I'm proud of it...hope you guys like it too. :D
Love of mine,
someday I will die,
and your memory will be close behind.