Why? Why do I live this fucking life?
I'm started to feel depressed again, and I hate it. I hate it, I HATE IT! What will it take to defeat you? I don't want to tell my counselor. I'm afraid she'll say I really don't have PMDD, and that I can't have birth control anymore. I need birth control. What's wrong with me?
I really think that I'm a sex addict. It's the only way I relieve stress. I don't know how to really relieve stress. What stress do I have?
-Getting bigger boobs (even Josh says he wouldn't mind it)
Me and Josh are having problems. Well, he doesn't think so, but I do. I'm very dissatisfied. I hate how we never have sex. I hate how when we do have sex, he never makes me cum. I hate how he never makes me feel sexy. I hate how he makes me feel when I have to ASK or propose that he makes me cum. It's as if I'm too gross, disgusting. I feel repulsive. Like my most private organs on my body are the worst in the world.
I know we're going to break up sometime, I just don't know when.
Me and Josh did not have any major anger problems today, which was good. Today was really bad though anyways. I ate candy and didn't work out. :O Bad bad girl.
I've been so tired and worn out lately, so I asked my mom to call me in for school tomorrow. I offered to clean the house and make dinner, which helped with the exchange I guess. I'm hoping I'll work out tomorrow, and start making it a pattern.
One-fuckin'-fifty. 150! My weight! I thought I was doing good, but I guess not. Jesus. I don't know how Josh could want this body. We were talking about him going to bootcamp this summer, and he was all "keep your figure", and seemed repulsed at the idea of me losing weight. BUT it's NASTY! It makes me shiver here just thinking about it.
Okay, so I'm not that fat, I guess. My perfectionist is just trying to take over my brain again. But...I'm jiggly. It's icky.
So while looking for relationship advice via google (sad, I know), I stumbed upon this nice little site. Since I don't seem to have any privacy journaling in an actual notebook, I'll use this instead. Maybe. I guess we'll see how it goes.
I should really shower. We're swimming in gym, and blah. I smell like chlorine, and probably sweat from yoga. And yet here I am sitting at the computer at 1:30 in the morning. Oh well. Who said I was the most glamorous person in the world?