So I have been trying to journal everyday because it is good for my mental health. I am always so damn proactive. It fucking annoys me. Sometimes I wish I could just sink into this dark despair, perhaps confuse fantasy with reality, and be sent to some place where I'll be taken care of. I have taken care of myself all my life with very little help. I get tired now and then and just want to be taken care of. I fuck up a lot.
I really want sex right now. I was watching a home renovation show with my step dad and the interior designer was a incredibly beautiful, tall woman. She had a real body, not a skinny fire pole like body. And nice hands :) I love hands. The pharmasist in my town, I call her the "Sexy Pharmasist", has really nice hands. They are really strong. Yeah... She helped me pick out hand cream. That's when I noticed them.
So I am ignoring my doctor and still going to work. My head feels kind of fuzzy most of the time. I feel a little manic actually. Everything I do seems to be really really fast but the world around me moves slowly. I guess more Hypo- manic. Maybe a little more hypo. Hypo- Hypo- mania? I dunno.
Ugh. Depression or whatever this is sucks. I constantly feel fuzzy headed, tired and surreal. I feel very misunderstood and like a untouchable. My head is a place of hopelessness. I feel like Job (from the bible), but I really try to not feel this way. I have been going out a lot lately. My doctor suggested I take time off work but I don't know about that. I go out with people, but I feel like they don't know what to say to me.
So I crashed a couple days ago. I ended up in emergency for 4 hours talking to therapists. It is really no big deal. At least I went to the hospital. People seem to focus so much on the fact that I broke down in the first place and not the fact that I have dealt with this in a responsible. When I get overpowering thoughts of suicide I go to the hospital and GET HELP. I don't attempt suicide and therefore end up in the hospital. I just take myself there in the first place. I am used to dealing with my mental illness. I hate it but I have to live with it for the rest of my life.
I have this ex. I'll call her Nas. Funny thing is that the word Nas is Russian for us. oh that makes me cream my pants a little.
Anyway, so we talk on facebook chat sometimes and the conversations ARE SO FORCED! I don't even know how we ended up in bed together anymore we have absolutely no chemistry and nothing in common. She still has feelings for me but I do not even know why.
So I can't sleep. I've been trying to fall asleep for awhile now but I just toss and turn all night. I have been having this problem for a couple nights now. So I'm gonna talk to you about it. You are lucky victim number 1.
I guess I have been worrying a lot lately about school, money, how I'm going to get money... If Im even accepted into school, how I'm going to get all my vaccinations and a CPR and first aid certificate. Plus I haven't been sleeping well... Plus my step dad has been on me about making more money. My mom told him to lay off. ugh.
So I kinda hurt my neck... I know this cause it is in pain... So I'm gonna go treat myself to a massage this week! Its my Birthday soon so I'm gonna get myself the most painful, deep tissue massage in town. I'm quite excited cause I need one so badly. My shoulders feel like boulders.
I watched an awesome Vlog on youtube by Amazing Athiest. It was one of his older vlogs. usually he is just brutal, but in this one he was actually a sensitive human being with faults, pain and what not. I have to say I understand him at this moment right now, 43:00.
He says he can't like people because they talk about stupid shit, and they are repelling and disgusting. But he wants to love them.
I just had a nap and I had a wierd dream. At first, it was a nice dream. I was with my girlfriend and some friends, we were having fun and our families were there. They all disappeared and it was just her and I in the house. It was a comples house. But it looked like a normal house on the inside whith many extra hallways that go into rooms. But there were many ways to go in and out of the rooms. Plus her room, and her mothers room each had more than one floor and also led to a basement. Ultimately, their rooms each had 3 floors. I had these wierd piercings on the bottom of my feet.
So I just finished a 12 hour at work. I'm am so tired. I was with the dementia patients for awhile today. A lady came up to me and asked "Is the roast donw yet?"
Of course there was no roast, but she wanted to come into a restricted area to check if it was done so I played along.
I told her the roast wasn't done yet and that I just asked. Then she said "Oh. Then I'll just put the spuds (potatos) in, okay?" I replied "Oh no, I already did that. Don't worry. I have a lot of help. You can just relax okay?"
Mmmmm, last night was awesome. Yesterday was pretty depressing. I was lonely and not enjoying life much. I cried. Crying always makes me feel better. I also watched "liscence to wed". I love watching funny movies when I'm sad. Then I watched my mom do her taxes. Which was boring. The dog wanted nothing to do with me yesterday. She can be such a brat sometimes. I don't baby her like my mom does. No wonder the dog has such bad seperation anxiety.
So I just got back from my girlfriend's parents place. I always hang out with Kay's parents when she is away at school. Her mom was complaining that she never says anything right and she always makes Kay angry. I told her it's the same way with my mom. She seemed really sad. I asked if she needed a hug, but she didn't. I understand that she's feeling rejected but I think Kay is a big girl and can handle herself just fine.
So I guess Kay has had a really bad day :(
She has been trying to get a hold of me all day at my home phone cause I don't have a cell. She goes to school in another town so it's kind of hard for us to get a hold of eachother and always know eachothers schedule and what not.
I have been having a great struggle with my church and where I fit. I have been fighting this for many years. It started as a young girl of 12 when i realized fully that I was gay. I knew my church did not accept homosexuality. I new the community I grew up in did not accept homosexuality. I thought I could hide it in myself but it ate away at me.