Okay so, I know I don't go on here very often, and I hope my random just posting on my journal but not on the boards doesn't piss anyone off. I just have very limited time where I am able to go on here, but over the next few days I'll probably be posting more on my journal because as I mentioned in my previous journal entry, my mother is gone away.
So...I was talking to my father last night and when he asked me what I was doing, I told him I was emailing a gay alliance (which was true)...I said it in a way that like, maybe sounded like I was joking, but maybe not. But anyway, that comment, whether he believed it or not, opened the door to a conversation about this gay alliance which has GLBT youth programs throughout the week at their location in my area. So, my father didn't say "no" yet and the reason why he said he might not take me wasn't because it was "a gay thing" it was because he has to work!
Okay so, I've had a pretty odd last few days. I've just gotten my hair dyed an somewhat unconventional color however this was not after a loooongg fight with the woman people call my mother last night. She was going on about how having this color hair will make me look "like a carpet cruncher("a carpet cruncher is a woman who wants to suck another woman's vagina" according to her) and a "faggot". It's funny because she was protesting to me getting just one color in my hair because of those reasons.
Okay so, it kind of hit me yesterday that I was deceiving almost everyone in my church family because I am a Catholic who is also a lesbian...I go about my life being involved in as many church activities because yes, I DO enjoy is, but also because I want people to look at me like that "good little Catholic girl" I...am...kind of...No, that's the point. I'm pretending to be something I'm not. I hate the Catholic Church- HATE IT!
Honestly OKAY CAN MY LIFE GET ANY WORSE RIGHT NOW!?!?!?
Okay so, I'm having trouble saying out loud that I'm a lesbian...it's really hard because I'm still holding onto the hope that maybe, just MAYBE this is a phase and one day I'll fall in love with a guy and marry him, have children. etc. The only thing is, I'm turned on by women. The way that some of their bodies look is just GASP! I'm constantly having fantascies about having sex with women, touching them, kissing them, you get my point. Why is it that I'm having so much trouble saying that I'm a lesbian out loud? Is there ANY way that I could be straight and just be like, in denial?
I'm sick and tired of being in the closet. I get sick and tired of it EVERYDAY!!!!!! I'm like, in love with this girl and she's dating this guy and AAHHHRG HE BETTER TREAT HER RIGHT BECAUSE SHE'S LIKE PERFECT!!!!!!!!! I feel so alone because it feels like I am deceiving people. I have to pretend to be straight every single day of my life (trust me, I make an AWESOME "straight goodie-two-shoes Catholic girl!) and I really just wanna be with this girl AHHHRRGG!
AHHHRRRGG! MY MOTHER PISSES ME OFF SOMETIMES! She was just looking at a painting I did of a self-portrait and she commented that the black drops I did (to symbolize the bad stuff in my life, I guess) looked like sperm (er, okay, I'm not THAT GREAT at drawing/painting, so gimme A BREAK!) and that she wasn't gonna put any picture up with a "fucking fruit rainbow". I responded by telling her that it wasn't a "fucking fruit rainbow" and the she commented about how she "hates fucking fruits!"
I'm beginning to settle in very nicely here. I'm starting to really like the people here and the supportive vibe EVERYONE gives. I feel like I live in a cage most of the time, all of my family and most of my friends are devout Catholics and most of the people that know I am a lesbian are not accepting of me, but "love me anyway" (my parents are a different story, however, I am CONSTANTLY receiving homophobic remarks from my mother and my father just doesn't give a shit. I more often than not feel VERY oppressed and ashamed of myself unless I am around supportive people like you guys.