I'm back... at least for a little while. Maybe I can get some things figured out.
Soo... what's been happening on here while I've been MIA?
My life has been... ehh... idk. I believe I last updated sometime around when my grandpa had a heart attack, yes? Well, he's fine now.. and now I'm staying here at home for at least the next semester.. I'm going to go to the university that's in near me. I don't remember if I told you all that.
Hope everyone's holidays were good! Mine was pretty good. I gots a new computer ^.^
Well, life has thrown me a bunch of fuckin' sour lemons and I have absolutely no sugar to sweeten it.
I know I said I would be gone for a while. Just thought I'd update you all on what's going on, and have a good vent.
Warning: This is going to be long. And riddled with swearing.
Lemon number one: Grandpa.
It's one of those nights again..
I'm feeling down. My mind is a mess.
Sometimes I just wonder what's wrong with me. I wonder if I'm really as weird as I seem to be in my own eyes. Sometimes I wish I could be the pretty skinny girl with perfect grades and hair and clothes and just a goddamn perfect life. Other times I wish I really did have problems that could be defined so I could know what the hell is going on inside me.
I'm seriously excited. I woke up on time today! Well, a little early, but that's okay.
B kept me up last night, texting. I didn't fall asleep until 1. >.<
I'm SERIOUSLY going to bed early tonight.
The downside of this morning is that I feel queasy.. nauseous.. is that how you spell that?
Yep... that's the title of the day.
I woke up at 8 this morning to get up and shower. I hit snooze til 8:30 and then I shut my alarm off and went back to sleep. I slept until 9:50, on the dot. I had class at 10:10. FML.
So I rushed getting dressed and pratically running to class.
Then I got to class and realized that I had a dream this morning.
I'm in another anti-social mood tonight.
My best friend (me ex) is annoying the fuck out of me.
I just want to write.
But I can't think of what to write.
You'd think it'd be simple, because I know what happened after D and I broke up.
My brain is broke.
I need to go to bed, I think.
Have I mentioned lately that I haven't been attracted to many girls at all? Sigh. I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm attracted to a lot of guys, though.
Ah, shit. I don't really care about that anymore.
Because I feel BADASS today.
Alright... maybe not so much badass as... I dunno.
I would be doing the same thing in class as I am now, because we're just working on our letters. Well, I most likely would not have written this post, but heyy. ^.^
I need to stop reading stories on Mibba. They make me wish my life was like the characters. >.< And then I get lost in reality. Pretty sure that's why I woke up late this morning. And the fact that I stayed up til 3 this morning. Fuck my life lmao.
Honestly, this is the first time I've EVER skipped a class. Wow.
I've successfully avoided human contact this morning, so we're good for that aspect. I think I'm just going to have one of those hole-myself-up-in-my-room-and-not-come-out-for-the-weekend weekends. Yup. ^.^
But, I dissappointed myself last night, and I feel guilty.
I.. ate.. tons and tons of candy. >.<
I was going to eat clean. I really was. But it was CALLING ME.
I suck at diets and detox days.
Anyways, I'm not too stressed over it because I know I can always do a detox day when I actually feel like leaving the room... where my candy is.. haha.
I'm tired of having all these weird moods going through me. I feel as though I just don't care about anything anymore. It's been going on for like... the past week.
It's been harder for me to find things to be happy about. I'm normally that happy, cheery person.
I'm sick of it. I know I'm not depressed, at least not majorly, but it's becoming such a nuisance... I can't focus on anything because my brain is so fuzzy and I am so easily distracted, but ALWAYS bored.
Sorry for rambling.. ugh.
But for those of you who are upset about Maine,
You have a right to be.
I'm just going to say that it is NOT a major shock.
I remember last year, in my Great Book / Politics class we learned that much of the time, if people are voting against things, they will vote yes on the ballot, simply because of the wording that is used. Also, it could be the use of doublespeak... words that most people would have a hard time understanding.
I broke up with her.
I told her that I don't have those feelings for her anymore.
She was okay... on the phone.
We got off the phone, and were talking on MSN, and she broke down.
I have never felt so cruel in my entire life.
To have a story or a novel or something about the people on Oasis.
Each chapter would be a different chapter or journal of one person's life.
But the chapters would be short.
And in journal form!
It'd be cool to have a book about real LGBT teens going through regular life, you know?
I went to the GSA meeting tonight. I don't know if I keep imagining it, but J kept.. idk.. looking at me or maybe it was Holly. I don't know.
GOD I AM ATTRACTED TO HER.
Why?? Can anyone tell me? Every time I get into a relationship..
I think I've figured it out, slightly..
There's a process for getting into a relationship, for me.
Step One: Get a crush on someone. Preferrably a close friend, or something. That'll make things nice and complicated.
Step Two: Find someone completely attractive. Crush on them. Get over other crush, and don't say anything to that person.
Step Three: Crush from step one realizes they like me, or tells me they like me.
Soooo.... Oasians... =]
I'm uhm... now in a.. erm... "relationship."
It feels so weird to say that... and it's almost like it's not really a relationship... not in my eyes.
Am I making a big mistake?
I have feelings for her, but......
they're not as much as she has for me.
It doesn't hurt to try it out.
I'm happy, though. She makes me happy.
I feel comfortable with her. I should, she's my best friend. And girlfriend. It still feels weird to say that. =S
Tell me I'm not making a big mistake by saying yes to her???
I've just been really busy.
Okay, maybe I was avoiding Oasis a little, itty bitty bit.
But only because I'm completely frickin' stupid.
'Tis okay, though.
Soooo... what's been going on...
GSA meetings... GSA event last night. Fun / exhausting. I was so tired last night haha.
Classes have been kicking my ass, and I've been procrastinating A LOT A LOT A LOT. Shit. =/ It's okay, though... nothing is really new to me, except for French, which I have to study A LOT A LOT A LOT this next week.