I'm listening to the Fray feeling all sorry for myself...
Also looking at old pictures of my ex...
Ugh. This is bad.
I have never felt more lonely in my life.
This morning I thought I was feeling happier, better at the least.
But I'm back to this empty feeling in my chest...
The only thing consoling me at this point is old episodes of Skins. Just watching the Naomily parts...
I not exactly sure what to do...
So I'm going to Sibs weekend at my sister's college.
She has been frantically looking for activities for us to do. She really doesn't have to cause I just love spending time with her.
Anyway she texted me tonight and told me that there is going to be an LGBT prom.
But its the weekend after I'll be there.
I'm so touched by her actions. :)
I have always wanted to go to one of those and her finding one... It just makes me smile.
True I can't go, but its def the thought that counts. :)
Today started out fantastically. I had lots of energy and was ready for school.
I was fine until 7th period.
That's when it happened.
This wave of despair, anger, and frustration nearly drowned me.
Despair because I realized how lonely I was. (I have nobody to talk to in that class. Also no girlfriend....)
Anger because the assignment I was working on started out good and went to crap.
Also explains the frustration.
It sucked. It totally ruined my day.
I wish I knew how to prevent a few little emotions to ruin so much good.
So I saw my (super-mega-foxy-hott) friend Jenny at the Academic Challenge meet.
I only see her occasionally at Teen Advisory Board (at the library) and at AC cause she goes to a different school.
But I was telling my guy friend Devan on how I called dibs on her because I met her first. (I know you aren't supposed to call dibs on girls but hey...)
So my other friend Bre accidentally said, "I've always wanted to kiss a girl..." in a near whisper.
This took me completely by surprise. I know this doesn't automatically make her gay but still... Girls get curious...
This afternoon, I hung out with this girl.
I thought she liked me. Whenever we talked, she flirted. At least that's what I thought.
She came over around noon and stayed til around four ish.
I could tell almost instantly that I had completely misread the signs I thought she was giving me.
She didn't sit next to me on the couch and she didn't make any moves.
I didn't make a move either because I knew I would make an ass out of myself.
And guess what?
I know I'm only fifteen and I would be totally outta place but...
A part of me really wants to go to Columbus and check out some gay bars.
Just being in a room with so many lesbians would be an experience for me.
It scares and excites me all at the same time.
But besides that...
I got my driver's permit yesterday!
My dad and I went driving and aside from being a little nervous, it was totally fun.
Tonight, I'm inviting some friends over.
Then tomorrow, I'm inviting a girl over to hang out.
While my parents are at work.
I have a feeling tomorrow will be fun. ;)
This describes me right now.
I kinda feel alone. I can't share my feelings with anyone because they don't really understand.
Wow do I sound like a teen or what? Lol.
Maybe if I somehow magically get a girlfriend?
Possibly that might help.
I'm the kind of person that feels like they need someone else in their life to "complete them".
Sounds weird I know but I'm pretty sure its true.
Anyway, I think that's all the random rambling one Sunday morning can handle. Lol.
extremely hot sex scenes involving lesbians, check out this trailer for the upcoming film, Room in Rome.
Firstly we had a two hour delay. Yay extra sleep!!!
When I got to school, my least favorite teacher took a leave of absence.
In spanish class, my ex complimented my shirt. This is only good because its ironic. (I was wearing a new shirt and the only one to notice was her. lol)
My new class, Personal Finance, is going to be bitchin. i love learning about stocks, bonds, and all that good stuff.
And finally, I'm now working in the library during my eighth period study hall.
So last night a bunch of my friends came over.
It started off great.
Then my friend Bre started telling me about Olivia.
Apparently she is in her gym class and is telling Bre that she wants to fix things between me, get back together with me, and to come out to her family and the school with me...
Don't get me wrong. I like her but...
None of my friends like her... I don't think my parents do either.
Anybody have any ideas on how to handle this situation...?
Today was amazing.
First off, I finished the last Harry Potter book last night. I forgot how much I loved it. :)
Next, I got to skip the first class period of the day for a free breakfast at school. My class collected over 2000 canned foods before christmas for a charity or something like that... It was delicious.
At lunch, I found out that I had won a free pizza from this thing called the O Zone. It a student group for involvement in supporting sporting events. The pizza was delicious.
Does anyone remember Olivia? The girl I lost my virginity to... Yeah her. (If you aren't familiar with this situation you can look in my past journals...)
For the past month I've been ignoring her. Not even making eye contact.
And today at lunch, she decided to sit with us.
I walked into the lunchroom and there she was. Sitting right across from my chair.
At first I didn't say anything. But she kept staring at me.
So I started talking to her... It wasn't horrible...
And I accidentally gave her money to buy a cookie...
I dunno what happened!!
I've been trying to write a journal of some kind all day.
But the words refuse to make sense.
Basically, it came out as gibberish.
I wanna talk about a girl but I have none in my life at the moment.
And I'm done bitching about being alone at least for now...
I'm one of those people who likes to me someones girlfriend.
To have someone who likes me and wants to see me a lot.
A person to cuddle with and do all the couple stuff with...
Alas there is no one.
Why does this have to be so difficult?
Why can't there just be someone who likes me?
So my friend Hannah came over to hang out yesterday.
In the midst of playing Beatles Rock Band, she let slip that there might be a girl she knows who's interested in me.
Instantly, I pause the game and interrogate her.
She doesn't know a lot of details so I go to Tyler who apparently talked to her.
Emily (the girl) texted me while I was texting tyler.
Emily and I talked for a little bit and I must say I was hopeful and very interested.
Of course, this is the time that she mentions she has a girlfriend...
I was disappointed to say the least.