carmen143's picture

Thanks Universe.

Anything else you wanna throw at me?

So my parents are mad at me for grades, cleaning, my laziness, insert whatever reason you want here.

My "girlfriend" likes some other guy but wants to work things out with me.

I just feel like shit.

(BTW sorry for complaining about this girl all the time, Really sorry.)

Just feels like everything is spiraling outta my control.

This sucks.

Hope this gets better somehow.

Oh and my mom just caught me writing thins.

She's asking questions. SHIT!

This gets better and better.

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Oh Gawd.

I hate talking about sex with her...

She keeps telling me that she wants to wait.

I want to do the same.

Then she says she wants me.

And she keeps asking me if I would say no.

I'm fifteen for Christ's sake.

I would try to say no but there isn't a whole lot I can do about it.

Its like she's disappointed that I want to wait when she wants to wait too!

God, straight girls are confusing!!!

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The Good and the Bad.

The good:

I have a ridiculously sexy girlfriend who loves me very much.

I came out to a few more people and their cool with it.

The bad:

My girlfriend technically isn't my girlfriend. According to her, it isn't official.

Exact words: "I want you to wait until you want me so bad you feel like if you don't have me, you're going to explode. To let me make the first move."

The thing is my girl isn't exactly touchy feely. Oh and she's straight...

This could take months. Its worth it but I just have to wait forever.

Also bad:

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So I Did Something...

Wrong? I dunno yet.

Last night my ex, Ally, and I were talking.

She was being seriously flirty.

And I flirted back quite a bit.

Anyway she said she was confused about us.

She said that she wanted to be friends but still flirt with me.

Now I know that warning signals should've been going off in my head but I couldn't help myself.

I agreed.

So I guess we're flirt buddies?

I dunno.

Its weird but shit happens...

Shes the only girl in the whole school who flirts back with me...

Its lonely being the only out person I know...

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I feel...

Like crap all the time.

I was over you.

Totally and completely.

But now...

God I dunno if I should scream or cry.

I'm being torn apart over this.

I want to avoid you and not talk to you...

But I just can't.

I hate myself right now. =/

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Oh no...

So I just talked to my ex for a few hours...

We talked about our first kiss...

Which was also my firstest kiss...

And our old nicknames...

Crap.

What am I doing??

I'm so confused...

And she also told me that if I asked her out... She wouldn't say no...

Shitshitshit....

I know I should stop but I just can't.

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So the Weirdest Thing Is Happening.

Whenever I become friends with my ex...

I start to like her again.

Not like I-love-you-lets-run-away-to-Canada-and-get-married..

But I start to notice how beautiful she is.

How funny she is and how smart she is...

But then I remind myself of what she really is.

I can keep myself in check but its still kinda jarring...

I don't understand myself...

I think its because she's the only girl I've ever kissed...

So to solve this problem I need a girlfriend. Lol.

carmen143's picture

I Have To Stop Waking Up At Six In The Morning...

So my dream last night was weird.

First of all it was in half spanish/half english.

Next, EVERYONE except me was getting laid.

And for some weird reason, someone was murdered.

How fucked up is that???

But I can explain most of it.

I watched a special on Cuba yesterday (explains the spanish)

I just finished a book that had heavy doses of lesbian love in it. (Explains everyone getting laid)

But I can't explain the murder....

~~~~~~~~NERD RANT~~~~~~~

So I fucking hate Algebra 2.

Whatever I do, no matter how much I study, I can't ace any of those quizzes.

carmen143's picture

So Everyone Who Is Anyone...

Needs to watch...

The Very Potter Musical on youtube.

If you love Harry Potter you will absolutely adore this.

Fantastic!

carmen143's picture

Best Way To Spend A Sick Day.

Watching documentaries and movies on Logo. XD

I love this channel.

carmen143's picture

Choir Concert and the Blues.

Went to my choir concert.

It went very well.

Fun fun fun except I messed up a few times but hey. What can you do?

And now my parents tell me that I probably have pink eye.

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

I need to be at school.

Call me a nerd but the end of the quarter is this friday and I need to be at school this week.

So my eyes hurt, I'm stressed, and ugh!

I just feel crappy. DX

Ugh ugh ugh ugh fuck fuck fuck.

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I can't keep this inside much longer.

OH MY GOD I WANT TO KISS YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Okay *whew* that felt good.

Sorry guys.

Lots of pent up *ahem* energy and emotion...

Yet again I have to complain about being a teenager.

I don't enjoy this feeling.

Its rather irksome.

carmen143's picture

I should be studying spanish right now. But.

I don't really have alot to say.

Its cool though cause I'm typing with my new keyboarding skills.

(I apologize for any typos.)

Anywho.

Jess broke up with her douche boyfriend.

*happy dance*

Now I know this doesn't mean anything.

Not like she'll automatically fall head over heels for me.

But hey step in the right direction right?

I've noticed that I'm a little girl crazy.

Stupid teenage hormones!!

Damn.

But that's it.

Thanks for reading this. :)

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So great weekend.

First off I got to hang with my friends.
A bunch of us played rock band and ate chips and laughed.

Probably one of the best nights I've had in awhile.

And my friend Grimace helped me get past Traverse Town in Kingdom Hearts!!!! XD Love that game but I suck at it. Lol.

And today I hung out with my sweet cousins.

Played guitar hero, capture the flag, and baseball.

Oh and had homemade ice cream cake.

Really really great weekend.

For once in a long time my cynicism was gone.

Although I've noticed I'm sort of a black sheep.

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Its Times Like These...

When I need a girlfriend.

Honestly I went to go see the Proposal with my parents.

On a friday night.

I'm sooooooo Cool (with a capital C).

The audience (mostly old fat women and there husbands) made the movie hilarious.

They laughed so hard at the stupidest parts.

And one guy sounded like Santa!!! XD

But other than that it reminds me of how lonely I am.

At fifteen, to be lonely is an amazing feat.

*high five to self*

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