February started off all wrong. One day about three weeks ago, Cute Blonde Girl and I went to a coffee place off campus, and everything was fine until I left. She stayed behind to catch up on a little bit of homework, but on my way back, I just... I don't know, I totally lost it. Out of nowhere. I don't even know where it came from, or what it was, but I just had this ridiculous freakout. Sobbing uncontrollably on the street and everything. It wasn't her fault or anything, I didn't even talk to her (or much of anyone else except a call home for my sister's birthday) for several days afterwards. After the week was up, I started to ease back into my normal life, but now, even weeks later, everything is just so horribly wrong.
I'm 19--turning 20 this year, even--and I honestly feel far more awkward and uncomfortable with myself than I did at 15. (God, just typing "turning 20 this year" made my stomach lurch. At least I have until November.)
I have this one really hot professor. It's great. She's like in her early 30s, and her lectures so far are actually entertaining, and I am soooo excited about this one paper topic you can choose in April. Also, she wants to get to know everyone in the (huge) class on a first-name basis. In fact, she's so hot that I actually even sit in the front, and I'm considering going to her office hours next week and saying hi just for the hell of it. Everyone should get to have a hot professor.
Anyway, I really gotta learn how to shut up. While on break, I dared to complain to myself that I didn't like being on the other side of the country from Cute Blonde Girl, and the universe apparently heard me, so instead it decided why not the other side of the world? Yeah, she mentioned this week how she's thinking about maybe going abroad next semester... It's just a "maybe" at this point, since you have to apply for it and the applications aren't even due for like 2 more months, but still. I mean, I want her to get to go if she really wants to because I'm sure she'll have so much fun. But I can't help but kind of hope she decides on her own that she doesn't want to after all. I'm not gonna tell her that, though; I want her to do whatever makes her happiest. I don't want her to feel bad just because I'm a dumb little slave to my emotions.
It's funny because Mississippi is the Hospitality State, but I have not had a particularly warm reception on my visit. During Thanksgiving break, I didn't notice it because I didn't have time to go to a lot of places, but pretty much everyone I've encountered outside of high school friends and immediate family has been... ass-y. A few nights after I got back from Boston, my mom and sister and I went to a pizza place for dinner, and someone my mom knew was there. Her son went to high school with me but graduated a year or two before I did. Upon finding out that I live in Boston now, she kept saying all this stuff about how much she would just hate to live there and making so many negative comments. Thanks, I don't give a shit. And none of the extended family on my dad's side wants anything to do with me when I see them, but it's fine because I never liked them much anyway. A lot of people around here tend to be pretty insular and don't like when "outsiders" visit, especially northeastern "outsiders." I guess I must qualify now.
I spent a day with two friends from high school recently. Well, one wasn't really my friend until the very end of high school, but it was still nice to see him, especially since he goes to NYU, so he gets missing the energy of a city.
Watching a romance movie with the girl you like is weird, but in a good way.
I should probably back up and elaborate on that one a little. Well, it all started when I was studying for finals. I think two went reasonably okay, one was a crapshoot, and the other was just... um. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I know my GPA is not going to be where I want it to be, so I'll just have to try harder next semester. On the bright side, next semester, I have to take a freshman writing seminar thing, which will be excellent for my GPA. It's sorted by topic too, and I picked the one with early 1900s European history because that's my favorite historical time period. Almost every assignment I've received an A or A- on here has been an essay. I can write you a damn good essay, but put a test in front of me, and I'll probably throw up and cry...
On Friday, one of my professors told me I had a nice speaking voice. I was honestly really, really shocked since I've always been incredibly self-conscious of my voice. There's some quality to it I don't really like that I can't quite place. It's not what I'd think of when I think of an "annoying" voice, but there's just something about it. (I've found that it's not nearly as bad as it could be, though. I've met a few girls with really shrill, screechy voices, and I'm glad I don't have that! I'm also glad that I have no traceable accent; no one has ever guessed where I used to live, and I've had more than a few people be totally surprised upon finding out.) But yeah, he said that it was calming and that it will serve me well. Definitely an unexpected compliment.
Today was my birthday. It was the best birthday I've ever had, even though I have a macroeconomics test tomorrow morning, so I have to study some more tonight. I'm actually in the library right now, but I'm taking a break because this guy across the room keeps coughing annoyingly. I know he can't help it, but it's the exact same hacking cough, over and over, like every 30 seconds on the dot. I got so many presents in the mail from my mom that I had to make two trips to the mail room. So much candy and some boots and some nice clothes that I still need to try on. I haven't gotten that many presents since I was in elementary school and still having those birthday parties where you invite your whole class.
So, I have a presentation later today. It's my first one, so I'm a little nervous, especially because I have to start off. (I picked being the person who starts off, though, because it gave me the easiest portion of the information. I think it was a fair trade.) We had to do a practice-run in front of the TA last night, and that went pretty well, I think. She actually said I did a really good job, except I'm not quite loud enough. I have a really quiet voice. In high school, we had to take a speech class, and I'd always get B's even though the content of my speeches was admittedly better than almost everyone else's because I just couldn't make my voice loud enough. The TA said I was the most prepared person of my group, though, so that was good. I like my group members, even though there's one guy who doesn't really do enough.
It was quiet this weekend because pretty much everyone who lives in the northeast went home for the Columbus Day break. And even though my roommate is from California and therefore couldn't go home, she wasn't here for a while because she went on a little day trip all day Saturday. So I got to do whatever I wanted. I did some exploring on Saturday. Walked around the city a bit. (Well, until it started sprinkling and raining.) That was refreshing. I really like the fact that I can just walk around and look at things now, if that makes any sense. There wasn't anywhere to walk or anything nice to look at in my hometown. Oh, and that girl I accidentally upset is talking to me again, so that's a good thing. I feel really relieved about that because I can't stand it when people are mad at me. It always makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole. And now I don't feel like I should hide from my neighbors anymore like I've been doing for the past week. Very, very relieved.
My conversation with Cute Blonde Girl this morning took an interesting turn. I was telling her about some of my friends, and I mentioned how I have this one friend from high school who is talking to me again after ignoring me for a while. But literally all that friend cares about now is nerdy guys. (Yes, this specifically. They can only be nerdy guys. No other kinds. I guess it's kind of like me with blonde girls.)
I should be sleeping, but I don't have class until 2 tomorrow, and I'm enjoying some alone time while my roommate is out doing god knows what. I've been listening to a lot of full albums lately. My personal favorite right now is Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon". (Can you guess which song off the album is my favorite?)
I really need to make some friends who aren't on my floor. Well, I guess Cute Blonde Girl counts as my friend by now, sort of? Maybe? Yeah, I'm gonna count her. And she definitely doesn't live here, so let me rephrase that: I really need to make some friends who aren't on my floor and who I'm not attracted to.
My floormates are nice and I like most of them, but I'm around them pretty much 24/7. And several of them are really nosy, which annoys me a lot. Well, except my roommate, thankfully. I like her even though our personalities are vastly different. She's great because she never asks why my alarm goes off at 7 every Sunday or wonders why I change outfits a million times almost every morning or questions me when I'm on the internet laughing at nothing.
So, yeah, Sunday's update. I didn't post because I was studying for a test. Contrary to false speculations by certain site owners, I did not get laid. Although a certain cute blonde girl did randomly mention that she hates wearing pants...
I stressed a LOT because she took a really long time (like, a whole day) to text me back. I was like, 12000% convinced that she secretly hates me, but it turns out she was just studying! She always puts smiley faces and multiple exclamation points in her texts. It's the cutest.
I seriously sat there and had a two-hour long conversation with her without any awkwardness at all, and the only people I'm ever able to do that face-to-face with are like, my best friends for years. And I couldn't stop smiling the whole time because she's just so goddamned adorable. She makes the cutest little expressions and says the cutest stuff and I just can't even handle it, oh my god. My face hurt so badly from smiling at her so much by the time I left.
As I mentioned, I had plans with Cute Blonde Girl this morning. I had to wake up really early. Like, I don't think I've EVER woken up that early on a Sunday. But I didn't even care. I was like ultra nervous, though. I was running around trying to get ready without waking up my roommate, and I ran into my RA in the hall and it was really awkward and I was scared he was totally judging me because who gets up at 7 on a Sunday morning? I put on legit makeup and everything, even though I'm often too lazy to do much more than mascara and lip gloss.
I, Super Duck, queen of social awkwardness, am possibly/probably/hopefully hanging out with the girl I like this weekend. Wait... What's that noise? The sound of all of your jaws collectively hitting the floor in shock? Yeah, I'm pretty shocked too. It's just coffee, and I don't even know if it's a "date" or not, so I'm hesitant to call it that.
I've been here about a week now, and I love it so far. (Disregarding that one crappy party, haha.) Everyone on my floor is awesome. We do everything together. But they're kind of my only friends except for that one girl from the Facebook group, so I think I need to branch out a little since I'm with them 24/7. My classes are going decently so far too. I don't hate any of them that much yet. The only real complaints I have are that it's really, really hard to shave my legs in the dimly lit showers and sometimes I forget to eat unless someone invites me out.
And can I just say that the girls here are unbelievably attractive? I'm like a freakin' kid in a candy store! Sometimes when I'm walking to class, I'll try to count the hot girls, but I'll always lose count. There's even a hot girl on my floor. I didn't see much of her for a few days, but now she has started hanging out with the rest of us, so yay! I also once saw a hot girl wearing a pro-gay shirt, and I've noticed her around campus a few times since then. And also, I joined several clubs at the club fair thing, and I happened to see the name of this really hot bi girl from the Facebook group on one of the mailing lists, so there's a chance I could get to talk to her soon. Now that would be amazing.
But I write because I have encountered... a problem.
It reminded me of high school, so I changed it.
A couple weeks ago, I made a post about how my sister almost ruined my mom's relationship, but I deleted it because it was really angry and also because my mom and her boyfriend made up. To condense the story, he's been in North Carolina for his job, and he and my mom want to live there permanently, so they have been looking at houses there together. My mom has been saying for months now that she was going to move there as soon as our house sold. But now, just to appease my sister, she's going to postpone it a year. (She won't just leave my sister with my dad because she thinks he has too much on his plate with his fiancee's two really obnoxious kids.)
Tonight is my last night in Boston for about two months until I move in for school. Unfortunately, I made the grave mistake of wearing cute shoes to orientation, so my feet were too blistered to do any last-minute exploring today. I'm not really used to walking everywhere since I live in the middle of absolutely nowhere, and there isn't exactly anything to walk to. But I like the walking because then I don't feel so bad if I have a cookie or a soda or something. And also I hate driving more than anything ever, so there's that. (Is it even possible to gain the Freshman 15 at a school here? I think you'd have to actively try to do it. So much walking.) I'm finally getting enough water here, too, I think. I'm bad about not getting enough, but all of the walking kinda necessitates it. And the best part of all is that the tap water is actually drinkable. (The tap water in my hometown is disgusting, and in the bigger-but-still-tiny nearby town, it's actually brown! Ewww.) After I move here, I will probably never feel fat again, haha.