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Goodbye Oasis

I've been in my 20s for a few weeks now, and that feels weird to say. I don't really feel like the same person I was at 14 when I opened my account here. Yeah, I was a pretty obnoxious kid, but sometimes I wish I could be that overly sure of myself again. November has been stressful, and it has led to some bad feelings. I've been feeling... I don't know. Purposeless and defective would be my best guess at pinning it down. But now I am home for a few days and decompressing, so that's good.

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Every dog has its day.

I've been spending most of my summer in Baton Rouge, with only a few trips back to Mississippi as my mom moves all her stuff here. Also, the movie Pitch Perfect 2 is filming in Baton Rouge. So I volunteered to be an extra for a night because when else would I ever get the chance to do that? (I'll be in a crowd scene, though, so I'm not that visible. But I stood near someone distinctive for a while, and I had on a headband, so when it comes out I may be able to point you towards the direction of the top of my head!) I'm legally bound to not post any set photos or give out any spoilers about the songs and scenes, so I can't talk about the actual filmed stuff, but the overall experience was completely out of this world. The story I am about to tell didn't involve anything related to filming or the actual movie, so I'm not breaking any rules by telling it. And it was basically the best thing ever.

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I survived. Oh my god.

I met up with Bosemaster a couple weeks ago. I would've posted earlier, but I've been busy with finals. I've never met anyone from the internet before, but it's always been an item on my bucket list, so that was pretty cool! We went to the magic Starbucks where I became friends with Cute Blonde Girl and talked for a while. As we were leaving, the hot Norwegian chick walked in. I had to, of course, point out this fact. I whispered, but I still hope she didn't hear me, haha. (But I mean, she's gotta know I drooled over her constantly in class. I feel like it's painfully obvious!) My friend I mentioned in the last journal, the guy who kept me company while I was waiting for my housing appointment, also made an appearance, so Bosemaster got to see all kinds of characters from my posts! (Sadly no Cute Blonde Girl, though.)

So, yeah, the school year is over. My freshman year of college is over. Holy shit. It seems like I spent longer waiting for it than it did for it to actually go by... but I feel like I've aged a hundred years in just that one year. That was hands down the absolute hardest year of my life up to this point. The second semester damage control was probably the hardest, most mentally-exhausting thing I've ever done, full stop.

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So in a month my first year of college will be over... What the hell?

Cute Blonde Girl got hurt recently. Fractured something? I don't know. I'm not really sure what all the correct terminology is. She has to be on crutches for 6 weeks, and she's really miserable because the crutches hurt her arms and she is always too sore to do much of anything, so she's stuck inside a lot. That's particularly awful because spring is her favorite and the weather is finally starting to get nice, and she had really been looking forward to running outside. So she's pretty upset about it all. I went to Starbucks with her Thursday morning in between classes, and I got her a little get well present-- some jelly beans (her favorite) and a really cheesy card with a dog on it. I wrote something equally dumb in the card, and she loved it anyway, haha. She said she's putting it front and center on her bulletin board full of cards.

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A... good thing????

So, I am experiencing a rare period of time during which everything is going better than expected. This is alien to me. Today was literally the best I've felt this entire semester. That's not a very high bar, of course, but still! Wow!

Don't know how long it'll last. I mean, I do have a huge presentation on Monday and then I have to start studying for more tests that are the first week of April. But it's here today, and that's really something after the way I've felt for so long.

It has been brewing for a while, I guess. A couple of weeks ago, I made a 100 on my sociology midterm. I don't know how that can happen, but it did, and that was cool. I mean, yeah, it's only sociology, but trying to make an A on anything at all at this freaking school is like trying to climb Mt. Everest naked.

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At this rate, a quarter-life crisis is imminent.

February started off all wrong. One day about three weeks ago, Cute Blonde Girl and I went to a coffee place off campus, and everything was fine until I left. She stayed behind to catch up on a little bit of homework, but on my way back, I just... I don't know, I totally lost it. Out of nowhere. I don't even know where it came from, or what it was, but I just had this ridiculous freakout. Sobbing uncontrollably on the street and everything. It wasn't her fault or anything, I didn't even talk to her (or much of anyone else except a call home for my sister's birthday) for several days afterwards. After the week was up, I started to ease back into my normal life, but now, even weeks later, everything is just so horribly wrong.

I'm 19--turning 20 this year, even--and I honestly feel far more awkward and uncomfortable with myself than I did at 15. (God, just typing "turning 20 this year" made my stomach lurch. At least I have until November.)

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Sometimes I'm the worst.

I have this one really hot professor. It's great. She's like in her early 30s, and her lectures so far are actually entertaining, and I am soooo excited about this one paper topic you can choose in April. Also, she wants to get to know everyone in the (huge) class on a first-name basis. In fact, she's so hot that I actually even sit in the front, and I'm considering going to her office hours next week and saying hi just for the hell of it. Everyone should get to have a hot professor.

Anyway, I really gotta learn how to shut up. While on break, I dared to complain to myself that I didn't like being on the other side of the country from Cute Blonde Girl, and the universe apparently heard me, so instead it decided why not the other side of the world? Yeah, she mentioned this week how she's thinking about maybe going abroad next semester... It's just a "maybe" at this point, since you have to apply for it and the applications aren't even due for like 2 more months, but still. I mean, I want her to get to go if she really wants to because I'm sure she'll have so much fun. But I can't help but kind of hope she decides on her own that she doesn't want to after all. I'm not gonna tell her that, though; I want her to do whatever makes her happiest. I don't want her to feel bad just because I'm a dumb little slave to my emotions.

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Winter break is so boring. I hate it.

It's funny because Mississippi is the Hospitality State, but I have not had a particularly warm reception on my visit. During Thanksgiving break, I didn't notice it because I didn't have time to go to a lot of places, but pretty much everyone I've encountered outside of high school friends and immediate family has been... ass-y. A few nights after I got back from Boston, my mom and sister and I went to a pizza place for dinner, and someone my mom knew was there. Her son went to high school with me but graduated a year or two before I did. Upon finding out that I live in Boston now, she kept saying all this stuff about how much she would just hate to live there and making so many negative comments. Thanks, I don't give a shit. And none of the extended family on my dad's side wants anything to do with me when I see them, but it's fine because I never liked them much anyway. A lot of people around here tend to be pretty insular and don't like when "outsiders" visit, especially northeastern "outsiders." I guess I must qualify now.

I spent a day with two friends from high school recently. Well, one wasn't really my friend until the very end of high school, but it was still nice to see him, especially since he goes to NYU, so he gets missing the energy of a city.

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You're What Makes New England So Great

Watching a romance movie with the girl you like is weird, but in a good way.

I should probably back up and elaborate on that one a little. Well, it all started when I was studying for finals. I think two went reasonably okay, one was a crapshoot, and the other was just... um. I haven't gotten the results back yet, but I know my GPA is not going to be where I want it to be, so I'll just have to try harder next semester. On the bright side, next semester, I have to take a freshman writing seminar thing, which will be excellent for my GPA. It's sorted by topic too, and I picked the one with early 1900s European history because that's my favorite historical time period. Almost every assignment I've received an A or A- on here has been an essay. I can write you a damn good essay, but put a test in front of me, and I'll probably throw up and cry...

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Airport Woes

On Friday, one of my professors told me I had a nice speaking voice. I was honestly really, really shocked since I've always been incredibly self-conscious of my voice. There's some quality to it I don't really like that I can't quite place. It's not what I'd think of when I think of an "annoying" voice, but there's just something about it. (I've found that it's not nearly as bad as it could be, though. I've met a few girls with really shrill, screechy voices, and I'm glad I don't have that! I'm also glad that I have no traceable accent; no one has ever guessed where I used to live, and I've had more than a few people be totally surprised upon finding out.) But yeah, he said that it was calming and that it will serve me well. Definitely an unexpected compliment.

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Today was my birthday. It was the best birthday I've ever had, even though I have a macroeconomics test tomorrow morning, so I have to study some more tonight. I'm actually in the library right now, but I'm taking a break because this guy across the room keeps coughing annoyingly. I know he can't help it, but it's the exact same hacking cough, over and over, like every 30 seconds on the dot. I got so many presents in the mail from my mom that I had to make two trips to the mail room. So much candy and some boots and some nice clothes that I still need to try on. I haven't gotten that many presents since I was in elementary school and still having those birthday parties where you invite your whole class.

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More updates.

So, I have a presentation later today. It's my first one, so I'm a little nervous, especially because I have to start off. (I picked being the person who starts off, though, because it gave me the easiest portion of the information. I think it was a fair trade.) We had to do a practice-run in front of the TA last night, and that went pretty well, I think. She actually said I did a really good job, except I'm not quite loud enough. I have a really quiet voice. In high school, we had to take a speech class, and I'd always get B's even though the content of my speeches was admittedly better than almost everyone else's because I just couldn't make my voice loud enough. The TA said I was the most prepared person of my group, though, so that was good. I like my group members, even though there's one guy who doesn't really do enough.

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Good stuff.

It was quiet this weekend because pretty much everyone who lives in the northeast went home for the Columbus Day break. And even though my roommate is from California and therefore couldn't go home, she wasn't here for a while because she went on a little day trip all day Saturday. So I got to do whatever I wanted. I did some exploring on Saturday. Walked around the city a bit. (Well, until it started sprinkling and raining.) That was refreshing. I really like the fact that I can just walk around and look at things now, if that makes any sense. There wasn't anywhere to walk or anything nice to look at in my hometown. Oh, and that girl I accidentally upset is talking to me again, so that's a good thing. I feel really relieved about that because I can't stand it when people are mad at me. It always makes me feel like the world's biggest asshole. And now I don't feel like I should hide from my neighbors anymore like I've been doing for the past week. Very, very relieved.

My conversation with Cute Blonde Girl this morning took an interesting turn. I was telling her about some of my friends, and I mentioned how I have this one friend from high school who is talking to me again after ignoring me for a while. But literally all that friend cares about now is nerdy guys. (Yes, this specifically. They can only be nerdy guys. No other kinds. I guess it's kind of like me with blonde girls.)

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I should be sleeping, but I don't have class until 2 tomorrow, and I'm enjoying some alone time while my roommate is out doing god knows what. I've been listening to a lot of full albums lately. My personal favorite right now is Brand New's "Your Favorite Weapon". (Can you guess which song off the album is my favorite?)

I really need to make some friends who aren't on my floor. Well, I guess Cute Blonde Girl counts as my friend by now, sort of? Maybe? Yeah, I'm gonna count her. And she definitely doesn't live here, so let me rephrase that: I really need to make some friends who aren't on my floor and who I'm not attracted to.

My floormates are nice and I like most of them, but I'm around them pretty much 24/7. And several of them are really nosy, which annoys me a lot. Well, except my roommate, thankfully. I like her even though our personalities are vastly different. She's great because she never asks why my alarm goes off at 7 every Sunday or wonders why I change outfits a million times almost every morning or questions me when I'm on the internet laughing at nothing.

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I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive... Now I only waste it dreaming of you.

So, yeah, Sunday's update. I didn't post because I was studying for a test. Contrary to false speculations by certain site owners, I did not get laid. Although a certain cute blonde girl did randomly mention that she hates wearing pants...

I stressed a LOT because she took a really long time (like, a whole day) to text me back. I was like, 12000% convinced that she secretly hates me, but it turns out she was just studying! She always puts smiley faces and multiple exclamation points in her texts. It's the cutest.

I seriously sat there and had a two-hour long conversation with her without any awkwardness at all, and the only people I'm ever able to do that face-to-face with are like, my best friends for years. And I couldn't stop smiling the whole time because she's just so goddamned adorable. She makes the cutest little expressions and says the cutest stuff and I just can't even handle it, oh my god. My face hurt so badly from smiling at her so much by the time I left.

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