Things continue to be very bland. I had kind of a field trip yesterday, so that was good. There's another one coming up soon too. It's not too exciting because these involve actually doing work and also that girl I think I might like a little isn't in the clubs or classes that get to go. Still, it's always nice to get out of that miserable school for a day.
I started counting my calories a few weeks ago. I'm not necessarily on a "diet," really. I simply make sure I don't eat over a certain number of calories per day. (I ruined it yesterday with seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb, though. Seasoned fries and Mr. Pibb is the snack of the gods. Actually, I think it's called Pibb Xtra now, but I distinctly remember it being called Mr. Pibb at one point, and I feel dumb saying "Pibb Xtra.") A few times a week I exercise too. But, I don't have any place to do it except outside, and I kind of hate it because neighbors bother me when I am clearly quite busy. I've lost some weight, I think. I'm not really all that interested in the number on the scale, so I haven't been checking that too much. I'm mainly interested in how my clothes fit and how I look instead. My wretched school uniform skirt is baggier than usual. Very nice.
Except for when I was sick, things have been decent lately. I accidentally got an award I thought I wasn't eligible for, and I found out my tentative financial aid amount from one of my top choice colleges. Some more stuff has to be processed for it to be totally finalized, but it's pretty good, even though it doesn't cover everything, of course. I'm not special enough to get a free ride, haha. Knowing that I'm probably going to get to go is the most comforting feeling in the world, though. Like, I can't even put it into words. I'm a little scared to get excited until it's finalized, but I can't help but be excited some.
Even though things are decent, they're also kinda bland. I really don't know what to say. I just feel like I should write something here, so I'm just gonna talk about some unrelated stuff, I guess.
I haven't posted in a while. Not much happened, but I guess I have some stuff I can write about now, though. There's some bad stuff and some good stuff. I guess maybe I should say the good stuff first and then the bad because the bad involves death, and that's always kind of heavy.
My school names its valedictorian and salutatorian after the first semester. I don't know why it does that so early, but it does, and apparently it always has. Today at school, I was told to write a speech because I'm officially the salutatorian.
I've had an emotional roller coaster of a week. On Thursday night, I had one of the best moments of my entire life, but tonight was... painful. I feel a bunch of different things right now.
For most of my life, a lot of the people I've known, with the exception of my parents, my grandpa, and a select few friends, have always told me I couldn't. I couldn't leave here, I couldn't be successful, I couldn't do this, I couldn't do that. But on Thursday night, the good people in an admissions office in Boston decided that I could. I had to read their decision three times before I was able to comprehend that it was real. Even then, I still checked it again later to make sure. I've never been so happy in all my life. It's more than a college acceptance letter, you know? It's a door leading out of here, which is all I've really wanted for years. It's the one thing I've always needed. (And I should have some more coming over the next few months!)
And tonight, I was reminded of just how much I've always needed that letter.
My sister is 9 years old. She has absolutely no clue that I like girls. But I was on the phone this evening, and I was laughing at this ridiculous story one of my friends (who is a gay guy) was telling, and she said, "I bet you're on the phone with ____ because you two are the gay unicorns!"
...What. I have never been allowed to tell her because of her age, so I just laughed it off, and my mom heard, and now we are both very confused at what just happened. All this child officially knows is that I "never want a boyfriend!"
In other news, I keep trying to write stuff, but I don't understand. I have this ongoing internal monologue that sounds halfway intelligent, but whenever I sit down to write anything, I sound like a drunk 5-year-old or something.
I have to visit family for the holiday. I have been at my grandparents' house most of the time. More on that in a minute. I hated staying there when I was 5, and I hate it even more at 18. I have years' worth of horrible childhood memories involving my mom dragging me all the way here, then leaving me to be bored at the house for days while she went out. I did not throw very many fits when I was little, but nothing would set me off quite like being loaded up in the car to come here! I hated it like you wouldn't even believe, but could you blame me? My grandpa isn't so bad, but my grandma is naggy and super negative and almost completely insufferable.
But this week, I learned something that changed my entire perception of all those bad times I had here.
At the risk of sounding like a stereotypically dramatic teenage girl, I really cannot stand my "best friend" at the moment. She's been pissing me off a lot this schoolyear, but what she did last week is the straw that broke the camel's back, so to speak. She made me do our entire two-person project all by myself because she was sick the week before last and never bothered to contact me regarding the project, which she knew all about, then skipped school almost all last week to avoid responsibility. She was fine the weekend of the 3rd, but avoided school almost every day last week anyway. I asked her to please show up on the day the project was due so she could at least help me present it, but she said no quite rudely and, of course, failed to show up. At least now everyone else who is in the class also thinks she is an ultrabitch too. Hmm, Ultrabitch is a good nickname for her for the sake of this post. Yes.
But she treats me like shit most of the time. She's mean to my other friend too, who has joined me in avoiding her. She yells at anyone who disagrees with her about anything and says they are stupid. She has this obsession with hating the "stupid," but the more I think about it, the more I don't understand.
Long time no post, eh, Oasis? The past week or so has been pretty good to me, even though this week sucks because I have something huge due in every class except for calculus. (Funny thing about calculus, you know. I think maybe I like it! In calculus, I'm surrounded by my friends and some cute girls, and I made A- on the last two tests! I haven't made two consecutive A's on math tests since elementary school!)
Sometimes you just have to enjoy the little things, like meeting up with an old friend you haven't seen in over a year, or the feeling of accomplishment you get when you turn in your first college application before the deadline, or the fact that you totally stuck your face in a cute girl's boobs at the Halloween party. Yeah, I'm pretty proud of that last one, even though it wasn't exactly intentional. The story, which I'll get to in a minute, is a little less awesome in context, but hey, I'll take it!
Remember when I was having good luck? It came back, I think. I've had a freakin' amazing past couple of days, minus the incident in which I found out I might be kinda claustrophobic... That was not fun. But a teacher I don't particularly like had somewhere to go so we didn't have to deal with her for a day, I did not have to take my sister to school all week so I got my extra hour of sleep every day, and a quiz in my least favorite class got cancelled.
But that's even not the real awesomeness here. The real awesomeness? Two words: HOT GIRLS. After this school meeting thing earlier this week, I got to go out to dinner with one. Yep. Except, of course, it wasn't a date (Can't be that lucky yet!) and other people were there too, haha. But hey, I'll take it! That is definitely not something that usually happens to me.
My good luck has run out... At first, I thought it was lucky that I got to take a test later than everyone else since I missed review day, but then I had to take it in the back of the room while class was going on. I couldn't concentrate since the teacher has a screechy voice, and I made a fucking 76 and it's a dual enrollment class. I'm so mad. I also made a bad grade on another test, but the teacher is really scatterbrained and graded a lot of questions totally wrong, so it should be like a C+ or B- now. I guess that's not too bad.
Gotta love the Instant Title Generator.
I can't deal with there not being any hot, eligible girls around. Well, I mean, I've tolerated it for years, but I just can't anymore because I know that by this time next year, there will FINALLY be some because I won't live here anymore. (I tend to feel that way about a lot of things now, really. This town/region is even more depressing now that I just have to hold on a little longer. The things at school that would normally be minor annoyances are totally rage-inducing now that I'm a senior. That kind of thing, I guess.) But, like, this has gotten really bad! I think I've gone temporarily insane because tons of girls I'd usually consider average-to-decent-looking are now totally super hot, and it's causing problems. My thoughts often surprise me, and I find myself wondering, "Wow, why am I such an animal?" like 398353 times a day.
And I'm doing some of the dumbest shit. I'm SUCH an idiot. Like, so, I've always kinda had a thing for cheerleaders, but now it's all like OH MY GOD CHEERLEADERS, and I find myself doing absolutely anything they ask me to. For example, recently one asked me to help her finish some work, and I automatically said yes even though it was in the middle of a class and I'm supposed to actually be trying to get good grades...
The universe is kicking my ass right now... People are difficult creatures to deal with, as usual, and I'm worrying about this stupid Common App essay, and there's just bad shit.
I had a pretty good week at school last week, but this week isn't going so well so far. I know it's not that far into the week yet, but my dad told me this weekend that my grandpa has cancer in his throat. Understandably, things kind of went downhill for me after that. I think it was near his tonsils, but apparently removing the tonsils won't get it away completely, so he has to have chemo too. Fortunately, it was caught fairly quickly, but I'm worried because, quite frankly, he is old. He's 67, so it's not like he's in the best shape of his life to begin with. Why my grandpa, though? He is such a good, nice old man.
So, it just occurred to me how horribly socially inept I am. Like, oh my god, it's the most embarrassing thing ever. I can think of so many horribly awkward things I've done in the past week or so, and wow, I just want to crawl in a ditch. I have made a complete list of these recent failures below.
Oh, random title generator. I don't even know.
So, weird week. I just took the ACT again, and I really need to make a 30. I need this 30. I know a guy who already has a 30, and it would be downright shameful for me to end up with a lower score than this particular guy. On Friday, there was also a calculus test, and I'm really worried about the outcome of that since everyone messed up so badly the last time. Too many tests... And I registered for the SAT too, so in October there will be even more! Ugh, so tired of tests.
Recently, I bought myself an ACT math and science workbook. I have studied that thing for a total of at least 10 hours, and I really, honestly believe it has paid off. I only blindly guessed on a handful of math questions today instead of about half of them like last time! Science was kind of hard in some parts, and in other parts it wasn't bad at all, especially after having that book.
I'm sick. Ugh, nothing is more annoying than not being able to breathe through your nose. Nothing. I feel disgusting, but I have to go to school tomorrow no matter what because I have 3 dual enrollment classes, and you only get like 2 absences per class until you fail automatically without, like, a doctor's excuse or something. I need to save those for if I feel like just taking a day off.
Do any of you ever accidentally make yourself sad? I've been doing that a lot lately, and I'm not really sure how or why. Like, I was driving to school, and then suddenly I started thinking about dumb things I did a long time ago, or things that used to upset me, and then all of a sudden I was just sad. That happens a lot lately. Why do I do that? Does that even make any sense?
So, anyway, some school bullshit is below.