"I'm glad North Carolina banned gay marriage" isn't something my FCG would have said. I hate seeing that she has regressed because it makes me think of the angry 16-year-old FCG from way back when, the one who absolutely could not stop foaming at the mouth about "the gays" and how groooosss they were literally every single day. I should quit going on sites like Facebook where people I know in real life go because they always inevitably disappoint me.
But wow, really? I used to hold hands with you and play with your hair and give you long back rubs and listen to you say over and over again how much you never want to date any guys. You told me I could invade your personal space any time and that you thought I was cute! And before all that, you had a crush on my mother. That is all REALLY FUCKING GAY, FCG, and we have been over this a thousand times. You cannot deny any of that happening. I have it all documented.
I am not believing this. She hasn't said anything ignorant like that since she was in 11th grade! Not since that giant fight we had...
Thursday was the seniors' last day at my school. They are gone now. All they have left is the graduation ceremony. Do you know what that makes me? Do you? Huh? I, SUPER DUCK, AM A NEW SENIOR! I am so happy right now. I can't stop smiling. I have waited for this day for as long as I can remember. This is the happiest I've been in a long time! It was also my last organic chem quiz Thursday. If I pass the exam, I can get up to a 70. I'm actually not worried, though, because the head of the science department said today that the class will be "taken care of" on our transcripts since it was such a miserable all-around failure. The guy who had the highest grade has a 72!
I miss my senior friends, but I'm so happy. No, wait, not my senior friends... My done-with-high-school friends!
But yeah, I have become a senior. I was unofficially one on Thursday when all of the old seniors finished school, but today, at the end of the assembly, they said we were the new seniors! And they called our class president SENIOR class president! Ahhh, I am so happy!
GUYS OH MY GOD
FCG's Facebook got hacked to say that she's gay (because she would NEVER post that herself, nope!) and my mom liked the status. Oh my god, I have never been so embarrassed in my life, even if I don't talk to FCG anymore. I didn't even know she and my mom were still Facebook friends! Like, I am so embarrassed that I almost want to delete my Facebook. Ahahahaha nervous laughter... Oh god mom no, you can't do things like that! I LIKED FCG! I have never really been the type to get embarrassed by parents over dumb things, but OH MY GOD
I totally forgot what else I was even going to write. I can almost feel myself dying of embarrassment now. She did this to a (straight) guy I was friends with last year too, but HE WASN'T THE GIRL I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH OF MY LIFE SO FAR ON, NOW WAS HE?
I am sorry for the capslock, but this is quite possibly the most embarrassed I've ever been in all my life. I still just cannot even wrap my head around anything that just happened.
...Wait, do you think my mom KNEW!? I never mentioned it to her because I thought she would flip out about the age thing, even though, personally, I still don't think it was a big deal, as FCG is only a year and a half older than me, but I digress.
So sick of the hellhound. My mom and sister think he's perfect, but god I hate him so much. He shat on the carpet TWICE Saturday, one of those times being literally not 5 whole minutes after he got in from outside. I'm sick of stepping in shit and piss. If I had a cat inside who pissed and shat all over the carpet, I can guarantee you my mom would throw him out in a week... One of my cats pissed on my mom once, and she had nothing to do with him for ages after that. Oh, and hellhound shat on the carpet again yesterday. Ugh.
So, my mom got the brat child a dog. A dachshund. I don't really like little dogs. One of my mom's exes had the PERFECT dog. He was, like, this giant brown husky/collie mix kinda thing. He was so sweet. I want a dog like that. A huge, fluffy dog. I'm not much of a dog person, but I love certain kinds. Dog smell kind of gets to me, though... So I dunno. The giant dog was precious, though. I would have to keep the dog outside most of the time, I think.
This dog, however, is an asshole. He yaps at everything for hours on end and shits/pisses everywhere in the house but does nothing when you take him outside to do his business. My (outside) kitten is beyond terrified of him. I hate seeing my baby all bristled and scared like that. Also, it sucks how this dog who shits everywhere lives in the house while my kitten isn't even allowed inside. Only one of my cats ever gets to come inside, and that's only sometimes. Apparently it's gross when they shed, but dog shit is totally cool. Get this: He even sleeps in the bed with them. A dog who shits everywhere sleeps with them, but... My cats are gross. Huh. Now, I don't know if it's just because I was totally smitten with FCG, who constantly left long, curly blonde hairs all over everything, or maybe because I myself shed lots of long dark hairs, but I think hair, whether it be from people or animals, is a lot less gross than shit. Just saying.
Not feeling much like a Super Duck lately. I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I'm just apathetic. I might go somewhere with a friend tomorrow, but I really don't want to... Especially because she's the one who ALWAYS wants to sleep over, and I've just never liked people sleeping over all that much. I don't like for them to see my messed up family in action, and I don't particularly sleep well in other people's houses. I already have a way to get out of that part, though. I feel kind of bad for it, but at the same time, not really, because I don't even want to go anywhere in the first place. I have gotten to the point where I can barely stand leaving my house and looking at the shithole I live in. I can't wait for moving day.
Today at school, some club had its annual bake sale thing. It was delicious. It brought back a memory, though...
I have gotten the most unruly child in the world to listen to me and stop beating the living hell out of me. I have done the impossible. All I have to do is watch TV with her! It makes her happy, and she listens. It is so simple. Why did it take me 9 years to come up with this? But my mom thinks I'm brainwashing the kid because my sister is legitimately convinced two straight characters on this one show are secretly gay. I think maybe my mom is just jealous of my newfound power. I don't know, though, she's said a few troubling things recently. There was the whole "you're making her think everyone is gay" thing, even though I NEVER said anything about it until she mentioned it. She came to this conclusion all by herself. There was that, and there was this one time when my mom was mad that my friend and I wouldn't date. My friend is a gay dude. Our gayness will not cancel each other's out. It's more like... a double rainbow.
So, apparently I don't get to move away this summer.
No... I can't handle it here any longer. I can't. I hate it here so fucking much. I wouldn't wish a day of it on my worst enemy, let alone 18 fucking years of it.
I was so dumb to think that something would actually go my way for once. Hahaha, like that ever happens.
All I wanted was a better place and a fresh start.
Well, that's what I heard, anyway. That is the weirdest thing EVER. I HAD THE BIGGEST CRUSH ON HER LIKE 4 YEARS AGO. Dude, like, how do I even wrap my brain around that!? She is so young, though. She's like 18, or maybe she just turned 19... I'm turning 18 this year, and personally, I wouldn't want to get married at 18. That's just me, though. But oh, wow. Old Crush is getting MARRIED. That is crazyyyy.
So, I'm freaking out. In English class, later this week, we have to write a poem AND read it to the class. I've never really been good at poetry. I can write you a shitty story on anything under the sun, but poetry completely stumps me every time. That isn't even the part I'm scared of, though. I am freaking out over the whole reading it aloud thing.
Even if I don't have a cute relationship, at least I can watch some on TV! I had a good Valentine's Day. Both my parents got me candy because I am forever alone, and a guy in one of my classes gave all the girls candy too. And I was only mad once today due to a bitchy substitute teacher! Only ONCE! That is so rare!
Also, I have five Valentines! Well, uh, three are cats, but two are actual people! And girls, at that! Hahaha, my best friend, Hot Girl, and I all three didn't have Valentines, so we decided to be each others'. Yep, that's right. My best friend... And HOT GIRL. Haha! I am not complaining here, no siree!
I am supposed to be doing some ACT math prep for tomorrow, but I just have to tell you guys about what my history teacher said today. As most of you know, Mrs. History Teacher and I seem to go through phases regarding our opinions on one another. Lately we have been okay. She seems to have gotten over her fear/hatred of atheists, or whatever the hell her problem was.
My sister and her friends seem to get some sick joy out of hurting me. Naturally, nothing is done about it, and if I take matters into my own hands and tell them to stop, I'm a monster who is meeeeeeaaaaan to babies! She acts like this on her own anyway, but it's a hundred times worse with her friends. She beats me up. I'm nearly twice her age, and she beats me up. She is 9 and regularly beats the hell out of a 17-year-old, and there's not a damn thing I can do about it, or else I'm a terrible sociopath who is mean to little children, or some shit like that.
My dad said it looks like I've lost weight! YAAAAYYYY! I am going to be hot when I move this summer. I am determined. I am going to get ALL the pretty girls in Tennessee!!!
Anyway, so, you know Hot Girl, right? Well, she is, like, not even fair! She is always being really hot and saying/doing provocative things and just generally being really fucking hot. Today I got to pretend to hit on her. It is a long, weird story that I really don't feel like sharing right now. It's really not that interesting. I mean, the main point was I got to hit on a hot girl and have it be socially acceptable. And that, my friends, kicks ass.
I can't believe it has been 5 years since I first told someone I'm gay. 5 years is half a decade... That blows my mind. It was 5 years ago tonight, and I really have no idea how I remember that. But yeah, I was only 12. I figured it out really young. 5 years ago, I told my dad I was gay, and in retrospect, I really don't think he believed it. Why the hell should he, though, right? It's not like anyone else does, not even now. You know how many people believe me offline? Three. My mom, one friend, and this total bitch I went to middle school with. I bet you I could hit on a girl all freakin' day and not even have her notice. Ughhh.
It's exhausting sometimes. Okay, so, like, IG has this HOT friend that sits with us at lunch. She is a senior and, like I said, really hot. Anyway, yeah, so today she mentioned how much it frustrates her that her boyfriend is homophobic, and we started discussing it, and IG said she liked gay guys but is a little weirded out by lesbians "but wouldn't say it to one's face and can get used to them." And it's like... Come on, chick. You are supposed to be one of my best friends. What are you doing? Before we were friends, you were constantly on my case about being a lesbian, and now that we ARE friends, am I just magically not one anymore? Or maybe you "got used to" me. Or you forgot... like everyone else. Huh. But still, wow.