I just got back from visiting some relatives about 5 hours away. I like it there; it sucks less. There's one part of every trip I hate, though... Coming back. I don't even have a word for how I felt. I cried so hard when the landscape turned flat and ugly and familiar sights came into view. The sorry excuse for a mall, the dilapidated buildings, the empty fields... This is not my home. This will never be my home.
I can't make it 2 more years here. I can't. I don't know what I'm gonna do. I'm coming undone. Every day I spend here is a gigantic waste of my life. I wouldn't ever wish this town on anybody. I shouldn't have come back from the trip. I should've just stayed there. After all, how much do I really have to come back to?
I'm sorry, you guys. You don't want to read all this blathering. It's just whiny crap; I don't think I even say anything important in here. I just need to write it somewhere. I'm feeling like complete and utter shit right now. It doesn't help that school is starting tomorrow. Well, sort of. I have to go and get my schedule and stuff and stay until lunchtime. Then, on Wednesday, it starts for real.
Is it weird that I can't handle ANYONE touching any of my posessions without my permission? Like, if my mom comes in randomly and opens my closet I'm like ARRGH NO STOP IT even though there isn't really anything to hide in there. I don't want anyone opening drawers or touching anything on my desk, and it makes me seriously mad when it happens. I can't have anyone touching my phone or laptop or anything like that. I won't let anyone hold my sketchbook, either; they can only see the pictures I show to them. One time I even freaked out on FCG for opening my purse.
YOU FUCKING GUYS I FEEL SO GOOD RIGHT NOW I CAN'T EVEN. I AM NOT AT ALL LIKE I WAS FOR THE PAST WEEK OR SO. I AM LIKE A NEW FUCKING SUPER DUCK OR SOMETHING. I DON'T EVEN KNOW, MAN. In fact I can't even begin to tell you what I'm like right now, so here's a .gif I found on Tumblr:
Now the reason I am like that is probably pretty lame-sounding, but I've been so terrible lately that everything good is automatically amazing. BUT I AM LIKE SO GOOD RIGHT NOW HOLY SHIT anyway so let me explain!
So, once upon a time, there was a Lame Super Duck. Lame Super Duck was just doing her summer homework and cleaning her closet, minding her own business, you know? Well, she felt like SHIT! So she thought about things that would make her feel better if she did them. "Burn school" and "TP Mrs. History Teacher's house" were not plausible, so she went with the third best option. Text FCG!
I haven't felt like myself in a couple days. I think I'm sick... I feel like complete and utter shit, and I have for the past few days. My chest and stomach hurt, and last night so did the area around my eyes, but I think that's because I didn't sleep the night before. I'm tired all the time too, but next week there will be a few all-nighters to finish up my history homework and, if I have time, my summer reading books for English. If I don't have time, then I can just go on SparkNotes like I've done every year since 8th grade. I didn't do anything tiring at work yesterday, and all I did after that was buy some notebooks and such for school, but last night I was so worn down I didn't even want to get up off of my bed.
I've felt really bad on the inside too lately. I just feel so blah, and yesterday I cried the entire time I was driving to Walmart. Hell, I don't even know what I cried about. I'm like an emotional landmine; everything sets me off right now. I cried a couple days ago because I asked my mom where some meat was, and she yelled at me for being dumb. And then yesterday I was listening to this music and I started getting all teary.
I WAS going to tell you all about the good things that happened today, and maybe I still will, but my mom just... I don't even know. I'm really pissed at her right now.
Whenever she gets back from a trip, she always acts all fake nice for a day or so, then she reverts back to her normal bitchy self. By the time I got in tonight, she had returned, and she did the annoying thing where she squeezes me to death and pretends to have missed me. After I had managed to struggle free, she dropped the bomb.
"Today I asked your dad to get back together with me, but he said no..."
No fucking shit he rejected you. He hates you AND he's been in a relationship with someone else, an actual nice lady, for 2 years now.
"I know he'll want to eventually, though. That's why I never actually signed the divorce papers. He WILL want me again one day."
...WHAT? So THAT'S how you've been able to mooch off of him! That's fucking low.
Today, I did literally nothing at work today. There were NO PEOPLE. Now I'm attempting not to make another huge baking fail like last night. I burned my thumb...
I talked to FCG yesterday. She asked me if I was excited to be in 11th grade. Ughhh, I would rather play in traffic, but I didn't tell her that. Hahaha. I don't want her to know just how much I dread it, so I just simply said no. She is soooo excited to go to college. She was telling me all about it, complete with 6 exclamation points. I'm trying really hard to be happy for her; I miss her a lot and school is going to be really different without her, but I know this town sucks ass and she's glad to be getting out. And besides, the thought of a happy FCG makes me feel a little better. :) Oh, apparently her phone is broken now. I was gonna put off talking to her until today, but it's a good thing I decided to go ahead and do it.
Today, my least favorite person ever came into the store. My chemistry teacher from 10th grade... Ugh, she was terrible. You know, the one who told me I was never going anywhere in life? The one who didn't know how to do any math at all and mispronounced every other word? The one who abandoned us on exam review day, then refused to get the test rescheduled? Yeah, that one. There's a chance I could have her as a homeroom teacher this year. That thought makes me want to curl into a ball on my bedroom floor and vomit. My second option for homeroom is Mrs. History Teacher, which is not much better. The only even slightly okay option is the pre-cal teacher. I must get her; I can't deal with those other two first thing in the morning. Or ever, really, but especially not at 8 a.m.
Right across the street from where I work is a tiny grocery store. I don't know its name; it has no sign or anything. In my family, it is known as "The Nasty Store," which I will explain in a minute. I'm surprised it's still in business, really, because usually people either go to the nearest Walmart (20 minute drive) or the gas station for food. The gas station actually has really good cooked food, plus basic things like bread and milk.
When I was about 2 or 3, my grandma took me in there, and I apparently yelled out, "WOW, THIS STORE IS REALLY NASTY, GRANNY! :D IT'S THE NASTY STORE! NASTY STORE, NASTY STORE!" I haven't been back since. Hahaha.
My mom has been gone for a month, and she immediately starts bitching and whining the second she walks in the door. I wish she'd just get the hell out again. Can't stand her. She was mad because there was a cup in the sink (Wow, maybe I actually have things do to do during the day and can't empty the dishwasher until the afternoon!) and then because the house wasn't just totally stocked with fresh groceries. I did go grocery shopping last week... but I kind of, you know, had to eat a little. She also started crying because I didn't have any salad stuff, and she wanted salad. You know, they make this thing called a grocery store.
She literally just started crying AGAIN and saying she was going to have a heart attack because she left some makeup at her friend's house. OH NO, IT'S THE END OF THE WORLD. It's not like her friend can like, mail it to her or anything. Nope. The sun is not going to come up tomorrow, and we will all drop dead. Now, I am a 16-year-old girl who loves her sparkly purple eyeshadow, but I don't think I'd CRY and SAY I WAS GOING TO DIE if I left it somewhere.
I CAN MAKE DELICIOUS FOOD ALL BY MYSELF! :D Well, things from a box mix, at least. But I am still proud of myself because my idea of making food is generally limited to frozen dinners and instant noodles. I FEEL SO POWERFUL.
I ate like such a pig today. Hahaha. Well, I was happy, okay!? I'll say why in a minute.
It has come to my attention that I should probably start on my summer homework, but I'm not motivated. We "won't be able to do all that homework the night before it's due," Mrs. History Teacher? Well, I have but one thing to say to that...
Seriously, he bites me every time I go to check on his flea status. He has fleas, and I am TRYING to help the adorable little bastard, but he won't let me!
I don't feel very good today. I was dragged to my grandma's 4th of July lunch thing. My dad's girlfriend's wild children were there. The older one has gotten a little better, but the younger one is still a hellion. She was running around screaming and beating things with a water bottle. Glove Man randomly showed up, and he was pleasant for a while, but then he made me feel very bad, so I left. He didn't mean to... I think he was actually trying to make me feel better, but it kind of had the opposite effect.
Glove Man: Super Duck, isn't school starting soon for you?
Me: Well, I still have like a month... But yeah.
Glove Man: Will you be a junior or a senior?
Me: I'm gonna be a junior.
Glove Man: Well, just so you know, junior year is the worst ever.
So, this old guy at work today was amazing. He was just a normal old guy, minding his own business, and then his phone rang. But... His ringtone. Oh, holy shit, his ring tone. What was it, you ask? FUCKIN' "WILD THING" BY TONE LOC! Hahaha! "I LIKE TO DO THE WILD THAAAANG~" It was truly glorious.
Whenever I see a hot girl somewhere, her boyfriend usually appears within minutes. Why, universe? Why!?
Well, except the hot hostess/greeter/whatever girl at the restaurant I went to tonight. No boyfriend magically appeared then, but I doubt she was gay... Hahaha. They never are. :( It's starting to feel like almost every hot girl ever is straight! UGH! She looked familiar; I think she was friends with the last girl I liked.
Not everything about it is bad. I mean, it's easy as hell, and you're never too old to mentally giggle about the fact that you're selling some little electrical part called a "nylon butt connector," but there are some things that just make me rage!
1.) That Fucking Guy
"That Fucking Guy" is the nickname I've decided to give to this one old dude who comes in almost every day. And most of the time he comes in, right before he leaves, he goes behind the counter, grabs my shoulder, and rubs my back right around my bra strap. I HATE THIS SO MUCH. I can't tell him to fuck off because he's friends with my grandpa.
2.) Everyone's inability to understand me
I have to repeat everything 2 or 3 times for everyone, and I can't really get why. I think I speak pretty clearly... Apparently I'm too fast or some shit. Oh, well, I can't understand any of them, so I guess we're even.
I accidentally texted FCG and now I am nervous. :( I am such a loser. I was just typing a message and I wasn't entirely sure if I was gonna send it or not, and I did, and now oh god. WHY do the smallest things freak me out? I should still be raging over that rude guy in the store today. He told me I shouldn't eat "fattening ice cream" when my grandma offered to bring me some, and then he yelled at me for DOING MY FREAKIN' JOB. (Our cash register system is actually a program on the computer, and apparently if I'm touching the computer I'm "playing around," even if I'm, you know, scanning stuff. Also, he doesn't even work there, so what the hell?) I was so mad. My grandpa actually eventually asked him to stop, though, so that was good. And yes, I ate my fucking ice cream.