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The Complete Idiot's Guide to the World Wide Web

Earlier today, I finally texted FCG, reminding her to bring that stuff. She responded instantly. Like, I didn't even have time to text the other girl I was also supposed to remind before FCG responded. But she didn't say anything after that, so bleh. I think she said she was going somewhere tonight, though, so it's alright. I didn't really start a conversation with her, I just reminded her to bring those things. And I was actually nervous over that for like, 5 whole minutes. Hahaha... Wow, I am so lame. Yeah, I think I'm back in my usual position of Supremely Lame again. The universe has gone back to normal.

I am always soooo nervous to text or call girls I like. It's why I was such an epic failure with the last girl I liked. It's so weird because I can talk to them in person just fine without being nervous or anything, but using the phone is somehow scary. I can never think of what to say to them to start a conversation on the phone or over text, even though I talk to my other friends on the phone or over text alllll the time. It feels weird to just say hi. Like I'm always scared they won't want to talk to me or something.

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HOLY SHIT, YOU GUYS! There is a small piece of paper next to me, and it has awesome, awesome things written on it, but I can't tell you what's on it yet. You have to hear the entire story first. It was initially too much awesome for me to behold, and I kept checking it repeatedly to make sure it was not a figment of my imagination, but it's real! It's really real! Despite knowing this, I still keep looking at it over and over and over and over to make COMPLETELY sure I am not hallucinating.

So, this morning, I woke up feeling inexplicably amazing. When I got to school, my English teacher revealed that we wouldn't do anything for the rest of the week since the juniors are gathering stuff to decorate for prom, and we can't get too far ahead of them. (If you remember, 10th grade honors is the exact same thing as 11th grade regular at my school, so she teaches both groups.) She also made brownies, and I ate three because they were small and also super freaking epic.

Then, my history test, which was scheduled for tomorrow, was moved back a day. Now I can study chemistry tonight. I did probably fail my economics test, though, which did suck a lot. Oops. But that's okay! I am convinced that my economics teacher is a real-life troll. Not even kidding. That test was just... Wow. And we had to do the other class's punishment! What the fuck!?


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Raiders of Your Shoes

FCG was worried that she looked fat in the play. I said that she never does, but IG decided to mess with her and tell her that she did. (And yet, she still talks to IG more than she talks to me...) She, of course, had a fit. I kept telling her that she didn't, but IG wouldn't stop. Then, we somehow started talking about awkward preteen years, and FCG said that when she was in middle school, she was just so disgusting and awful and stuff. Somehow, I am unable to believe this.

Me: But you are so pretty now! I doubt you've ever looked awful a day in your life.
FCG: But I'm not, and I have!
Me: Nooo... I'd have to see it to believe it.
FCG: I'm never showing anybody a picture from then! EVER!

Awww... I wouldn't make fun of her even if she was once the most awkward preteen on the planet. I adore her. And she couldn't have been any worse than me! When I was 12, I was about 30 pounds overweight, and I dressed only in shirts with annoying sayings on them. My clothes also never fit. I'd wear shirts that were like, two sizes too big because I thought it would conceal the fact that I was really, really overweight, but it didn't. I spent all my free time either on Neopets or drawing emo cats. I don't think it gets any more awkward than that. Hahaha.

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A Post of Nothingness

So, this girl who takes pictures for the school newspaper and yearbook just uploaded literally like 500 pictures from the senior play and put them on facebook. Some of them are of FCG sort of doing what she was supposed to. At least her smile could possibly, maybe, kind of trick someone who didn't know her. But this chick took way too many pictures of Queen Whorebag. There should NEVER be more pictures of her than of stuff people actually want to see, such as FCG. There is barely any Old Crush, and in the ones she's in, you can't even tell she has awesome boobs! What the hell!?

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Oh, wow, my life. Just... My life.

I just got back from FCG's play, and ooooh, do I have a story for you guys! This would ONLY happen to someone as awkward as me, I swear. You guys will like this. It's a little long, sure, but it is probably worth the read.

So, some people I knew said the might go but weren't entirely sure if they could or not. I needed to go, so I just went alone and picked a random seat near the back in case any of them showed up and wanted to join me. I didn't really care if they showed up or not because I was really only there to support FCG, but I decided to sit where I could easily be seen anyway.

A few minutes before the thing started, an old woman, presumably someone's grandmother, walked up to me. She was very, very polite, and she asked if I was saving any seats. I said no and that I could even scoot down a few seats if she needed me to. She smiled, said that wouldn't be necessary, and sat down next to me. Her husband and a few middle-aged adults followed. There were also three children with them. I couldn't help but notice that the little boy looked a little familiar, but I didn't really think anything of it. Suddenly, the grandmother began talking to me.

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Old Crush says the strangest things, I swear. You can be irked, yes, and you can have anger... But how exactly does your anger become irked? Please enlighten us, Old Crush.

Do you know what irks my anger? It REALLY irks my anger when herds of at least 5 or 6 idiots walk down the middle of the street at .00000001 miles per hour, then stare angrily at you when you drive around them, even though you are specifically avoiding them and are therefore nowhere close to hitting them. I honestly think you should have to have an "I'm not a total fucking imbecile" license to go out in public unsupervised.

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You Have to be Careful in the Home of Santa Claus

I got all philosophical all of a sudden after my history test today. I'm not dead, obviously, but I don't know that I'm really and truly alive, either. It doesn't feel like I'm living. It feels like I'm waiting to live. Or something. I don't know. It sounded better and easier to follow in my head.

Today, FCG was sad because no one offered to touch her hair. I couldn't, as I was cramming for a chemistry test that made me rage harder than I have raged in a long, long time. IG did a lot of attention-stealing today, which was so not cool. She even laid her head on FCG's shoulder... HOW ABOUT NO. FCG did listen to me rage about chemistry, though, and she agreed. She took it last year, hated it, and made about the same (not so great) grades in it as I do.

FCG also said that women who can cook are "her kind of women." Hey, wait, what's that sound? Sssh... It sounds like the lock on a closet door jiggling, doesn't it? Maybe there's something--or someone--in there that wants to come out! Also, I must learn how to cook right now! But she did say something today that was a little depressing. It was along the lines of this:

"So, a bunch of people are interested in my friend, and I just feel left out. Why doesn't anyone like me like that? I'm just as cute as her, but no one likes me..."

AAAHHHH! It is so hard to contain myself when she says stuff like this! I like you, FCG! I think you're beautiful and hilarious and charmingly strange, and I want you to be my girlfriend so I can love on you and treat you like a goddess and make you realize how awesome you are! <3

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Frosted Butts

The universe hates me. I park in the far away parking lot at school, and just as I started walking to my car, a monsoon began. Luckily, my dad gave me an umbrella he found! So I got that out... But it was slightly broken, so I had to hold it strangely to keep it open. And then the wind started blowing like crazy, so the umbrella broke all the way. I was still less than halfway to my car.

So, anyway, since I missed my chemistry test Friday, I had to go sit in the auditorium and wait for my class to finish going over it. This junior guy missed it too, so we were in there together, working on our classwork. I've never really talked to him before, but we had a nice little conversation. He asked me if I'm the one who drives the bright blue car. :D That's-a me, alright!

What was the point of that little anecdote? Well, the walk back from the auditorium, of course! I had to go to the bathroom really badly, and there was one on the way, but I didn't go in it because...

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I JUST WATCHED PINEAPPLE EXPRESS, WHICH MEANT AMBER HEARD, AKA THE HOTTEST ACTRESS EVER. I was too tired to move and was planning on sleeping for about 18 hours, but now I won't.

The trip was alright. Last night was awesome because we didn't follow any of the rules we were supposed to, but today was a little boring. The first thing we did was ditch our teacher at the restaurant because we wanted Japanese food instead. (By "we" I mean me, my 3 friends who are junior girls and then the 3 sophomore guys.) Our hibachi grill guy was AWESOME. The chefs at those things are always awesome, but this guy was especially cool. And he made HUGE fire, which terrified Newspaper Girl beyond all belief.

Then, we went back to the hotel and waited for the freshmen and the teacher to go in their rooms and go to sleep. We weren't supposed to leave our rooms after that, but the 3 of us invited the boys over to watch TV with us because they are entertaining. By about 1:30, we had all lost our mental filters, so some interesting shit was discussed. A few of us, myself included, went out to go prank the freshmen, but we couldn't find anything we needed, so that didn't happen. We kicked the guys out and made them go back to their room about an hour later, then crashed. We barely slept, though. We all only got about 3 or 4 hours of sleep, and I kept waking up and going back to sleep over and over and over because the heater kept cutting on and off, and British Girl kept rolling around spastically, which is not so easy to ignore when you're about a foot away. We all just laid in bed for like, 30 minutes after the teacher knocked on our door at the ass crack of dawn. We started talking about how we needed to get up but were not actually doing anything. Even the boys were up before us.

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I don't know if I've already told you guys or not, but my school forces all the seniors to be in a play every spring. I'm definitely going to see it. FCG is not at all happy about her part in the play, though. Why does she hate it so much? Well, she has to flirt with a guy. That should explain everything.

FCG: Play practice sucks.
Me: Aww, why?
FCG: I have to hit on this guy as part of the play, and I just can't do it.
Me: Hahaha! I'm sorry!
FCG: I just CAN'T! And my teacher always tells me I need to be sexy when I say my line, but I just can't, okay? I just can't do this!

Of COURSE she can't, silly teacher lady! She's FCG! Hahaha! Wait, no, let me rephrase that. She obviously can't hit on a guy, but she can definitely be sexy. I don't think she even has to try at that, especially with her awesome legs. But seriously, she is just as likely to grow wings out of her ears and fly to Africa as she is to hit on a dude.

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Dying for My Stapler

I'm in 10th grade, but I take 11th grade English. (My school does English a weird way. If you're in Honors, you take the English class of the next grade level. You have the same teacher as the non-Honors class in the grade above you, and all of your books and assignments, with the exception of an extra summer reading book, are completely the same.) I have to go to that stupid "make the school look good!" test thing tomorrow. My English teacher gave me an outline, and this test is designed for 10th grade English. I took 10th grade English last year, but I didn't really have a teacher, so I never read half of these books and stuff! What the hell!? My teacher told me that it's unfair and I should just BS it, but I can't understand why they would set the tests up like this.

So, some freshmen are mad at me over factors beyond my control. Yeah, the freshman girls on the newspaper staff are pissed because the juniors picked me to room with them on Thursday. GASP! HOW DARE I HAVE FRIENDS? I am obviously such a terrible person. I have no idea why this is so infuriating to them, because I don't really know any of those freshmen, and the juniors don't talk to them often.

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Old People Only Cost a Nickel When I Was Your Age

Lots of bad family drama today... I'll get to that later. Instead, I shall share a horrifically awkward moment my dear friends created today.

So, I pick stray hairs off of my friends. I know that's a little weird, but it bothers me, so I have to do it. It's especially noticeable when my friends who are blonde have stray hairs on their dark school shirts. That was the case with FCG today. But... The stray hair just so happened to be about an inch away from her left boob. I felt deeply conflicted.

"It's a perfect excuse to touch it!" said one perverted little voice within me. "Do it, do it, do it!"

"No, idiot!" said another, more mature little voice. "FCG isn't just some random hot girl whose boobs you wanna grab. You really, REALLY like her, so you should treat her with a little more respect."

I was at a crossroads for a moment, but I eventually decided to get the stray hair without touching her inappropriately. All was well until one of my friends decided to comment!

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Robots Are Not Meant to be Eaten

I hate idiocy. I hate those stupid kids who thought it would be fun to push each other and rough-house around my car as I was trying to leave a parking space (They were lucky that I drive a TINY car. Someone in a bigger vehicle might not have been able to see them and would've made road-pizza out of them!). I hate it when people say stupid shit and expect to be taken seriously. I hate it when people act as if it's the end of the universe because someone disagrees with them. I hate my own idiocy when it comes to getting FCG's number. I hate it when whiny little Brat Sisters throw fits over an order of damn nachos. I hate whoever thought AP European History was a good idea. I hate it when my mom turns every conversation into one about her boyfriend and gushes about how "perfect" he is when they've barely dated for a week. (However, she is on the phone with him and just now asked if he liked fish tacos, and now I cannot stop giggling.)

Me, angry? Nooo, what could've possibly given you that idea?

I'm mad because I currently can't get a break from stupidity no matter where I go or what I do, and I have a history test tomorrow. I barely know anything about it, and I am so sick of studying it. That history class just makes me want to beat my head repeatedly into a spiky wall.

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The Last Temptation of Willy Wonka

FCG was upset today. It started when Queen Whorebag spread lies about her, and then IG hurt her feelings too. (To be fair, IG was in a pissy mood today because Mrs. History Teacher was a huge bitch to her for no real reason.) Poor FCG... She and IG then got into a huge argument, and IG tried to bring me into it, which made FCG even madder. At the end of class, FCG smiled sweetly at me and said, "Bye, Super Duck!" then turned and just stared at IG with this look of pure annoyance. She at least temporarily likes me more than she likes IG, which is good, but I don't want her to be upset.

Guy Best Friend says I need to ask FCG out or get her number ASAP. He's right, but I'm so scared, and I'm telling him how I'm scared, and it's turning into this hugely awkward, emotional conversation. I'm so light-hearted and goofy 80% of the time that it feels so weird when I, like... reveal what's going on inside. Or something. I dunno. It's not really weird when I write how I feel on here since that's what it's for, but it's weird when I say stuff like this to someone I know offline. I even told him about how miserably I failed two years ago with that other girl. I wish Guy Best Friend still went to my school... Maybe he could help me somehow. He knows FCG too.

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The Devil and the Family Dog: STDs Agree

I have both wonderful news and awful news. Let's get the awful news over with first.

I have less time than I thought... The seniors actually get out a whole week earlier than I thought they did. That doesn't sound like much, but when you thought you only had 6 weeks left with the girl you like, having a week taken off of that is a lot.

I know that's not really awful news for any of you guys since you aren't friends with FCG, but it's awful for me. I've gotta get her freakin' number! I had not one, but TWO perfect chances today, but I didn't do it... Haha, it was actually a wonder I was able to do anything at all! This brings me to the first part of the good news.

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