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Fluctuating Crushes?

Yeah, definitely teh same guy I was ranting about... yesterday? Er, last week... something.

Aaanywho, I definitely have a not-quite-crush on him, but it fluctuates. I'll like him at a might actually be official crush level one minute, and then back tot he not-quite-crush level the next. It's weird.

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I know in rainbows just posted a rant like this, bu tI can't help it...

Ewwww, school tomorrow. ><

The fact that tomorrow's monday means it's neither tuesday nor friday, and... well, nevermind the reason I'd like it to be one of those.. >>

Anywho, not only that, but it'll be five days until it's the weekend again... ewwww. ><


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I give up on tact... desperate..

For SOMEBODY to talk to... it'll be two hours before anythign even remotely interesting happens. Grrggg.

Is there anybody there that can talk to me? Please? I'll do anything if you do...


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Augghhh, I'm Driving Myself Insane...

Ughh. The guy that I talked about last journal (if anybody read it)? Yeah... I couldda spent two periods of study hall with him today, and I hate myself for it but I was looking forward to it. Then my mum shows up tot ake me home, and I was disappointed... and I hate myself for that too.

I mean I should be happy that I'm just sitting here at home right now, right? But I'm not.... and I shouldn't like this guy. All I know about him is that he wars kickass pants and a kickass hat. And... he's freakign three years older than me.

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Two Things

First, my new amazing bag of amazingness. Guess it's theme?

That's right. Doctor Who. :D Ohhhhhhh yeahh.

^ linkage.

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Random Rantings...

So I realized today why I can't stop contemplating whether or not I am actually trans... cuz I know I am. I mean, I'm sure as hell not a girl, so... I dunno.

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Blah, I'm here at almost midnight, watching tv, and needing somebody to talk to. And guess what? Nobody's on IM.... blarg.

Ummm... yeah, if anybody is willing to IM me, please do so. Otherwise I'll be sitting here all night watching mythbusters..

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Wow, kay, so yesterday I went to school at regular time... 7ish, then went to the art school until 4:30, then hung around a coffee shop right -next- to the art school for an hourish, then went to that therapist, then when to band practice until 9. crazy day...

Anywho, the therapist was pretty awesome. I just wanna know whether or not I'm old enough to start testosterone, ya know? Except I don't want to ask him about it cuz I am quite young, and I don't want it to seem to him as though I'm jumping the gun. >>

I just know that, as far as I'm concerned, I'm ready for it..

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I'm going to see that therapist. To be honest, I haven't thought about it that much this week, but now that I realize what it implies... I'm getting excited again. I just wanna be there, yaknow? So that I can hear what he has to say and see what he thinks about how far I should go into transitioning right now. If he thinks I shoudl transition right now... I dunno, I guess my biggest fear is that he'll look at me and tell me I'm not really trans, which is an odd fear, but... it would mean that I've put so much effort into figuring this out for nothing.

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Pure bliss...

Today was my first day of school... sort of. It was my first day of that art school, where nobody knows I was originally a girl. It felt amazing.. just -knowing- that everybody thought of me as a guy, and then having people call me he naturally and.. well, people really do act differently towards guys vs. girls. I hate it, but they do. And, yeah, all of my friends treat me like a guy.. well, they treat me like everybody in our group. Nobody's either with us, really, but anyways, -everybody- there was treating me like a guy. It was amazing... ^^

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So today I had fully intended to do absolutely nothing, and I told my dad that. Yesterday he tells me that he's having friends coming over for breakfast. Yeah, whatever, that's cool. They were nice people, fun to talk to. Yaknow..

About half an hour after they left he told me we were going to the beach in half an hour. He didn't ask me f I wanted to go... he told me that we were. I was annoyed, but I figured I'd survive... at least I'd get from about 4 until I went to bed to myself.

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Ohhhhh my freaking gods... REALLY?

So I finally managed to ask my mum about going to see a therapist for gender related issues, cuz that way I might be able to get hormones and all that, and her response was "Okay, that's fine. You know, it's okay to be gay, if that's what you decide you are."


I decided that I was bi forever ago. I really don't care about that, I just want hormones and an easy way to break it to you that I'd like to go to a therapist. A way that does not relate to me being gay. I wouldn't disillusion you that way.

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School Starting...

Man, so, this weekend is my last before school. School sort of starts monday... you know, the orientation day for one of the schools I'm going to. It officially starts tuesday, when the real school starts and the other one, an art school, has its first official day.

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Wow... right..

Mmkay, so... a good friend of mine just called me on the phone and told me that he has a crush on me. My response was "Wow... I don't know how to respond to that... I really wish I could say the same back, but.. I don't think it's true."

In any case, ti was weird. I hope he doesn't like.. freak out now or something.. and feel like he can't talk to me. I dunno, did I respond the right way? Shizzzzzz mann. ><

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I really really don't know why I'm writing this

No really, I have nothing to put. Just that I'm tired but don't want to go to bed.

Oh, and then I'll be sure about the fact that I'm gay one minute, and the next I'll be thinking something along the lines of "Oh, but that girl from donnie darko is too pretty for me to not like girls" and then I'm confused again. It keeps happening man. xD

It's fun though, I'm not gonna lie. In it's own very weird way..

Jees, I'm the only person I know that would say that it's fun to be unsure about something like that... oO

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