cantbreathe's picture

Long time no see, Oasis

Nonetheless, hi.
So much has changed... and yet, nothing has.
I've been writing more though, the one good thing that's come out of all of this.
I slurp up feedback with great enjoyment *hint hint* —

cantbreathe's picture


I've had severely suicidal, mind-enveloping thoughts twice in the last week. After almost six months of not feeling that way.

I hate it. Hate this. Everything.

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I dreamed about Sophomore last night.
That's nothing new.
What's new is how detailed the dream stays in my mind.

I was sitting on a couch in the Commons (public, but secluded, school space), and she was sitting beside me. It had been my idea to sit there with her, I had something to talk to her about. It was a nostalgia sort of thing, I think. I asked her if she remembered the day we had last hugged, which I referred to as "a while ago". To my surprise, and my dream-self's surprise, she nodded, and said softly, "three weeks and five days, actually." Then she leaned in and, oh so slowly, carefully, kissed me. I kissed back, of course. Then the dream cut to another scene. Later in the same day, I think. I was walking with Junior, and I told her what had happened with Sophomore. Junior didn't believe me, of course, and I began to panic, thinking through the event more carefully, wondering if I had imagined or dreamt it. Then Sophomore came up behind us, wrapped an arm briefly around Junior (a far less enthusiastic greeting than they usually give each other), and ran her other hand down my back, from my shoulder blades to my lower back, in a gentle gesture that, in any other situation, with anyone else, would have been weird. That gesture told me that it had really happened, that everything really was heaven.

And then, with a start, I woke up. I punched my pillow, hard, when I realized it had indeed been a product of my subconscious, and I cried for almost an hour out of sheer disappointment before having to get up and get ready for classes.

I nearly started crying again when I saw her at breakfast this morning, because I knew it could never happen.

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Quick Update

Sophomore's talking to me now. I don't know why, I don't know how. Maybe it's just because she's sick. I love it.

Junior took all my knives. Probably a good idea.

This english essay is never going to be done. Crap. Whatever, I'll figure it out.

At least things are going great with my horse. I'm going to try to pass my bareback test today, or at least practice for it.

5 days til Thanksgiving break.

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I made a mistake last night. A mistake that led to two things: Me buying three more long-sleeve shirts online, and losing a lot of the feeling in my left hand. It felt good. Too good. But right now, when nothing else feels controllable, when nothing else feels purely raw, I don't have room left for fear or logic.

11 days til Thanksgiving break.

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A Poem For Sophomore

Remember when we exchanged glances over a table in physics, late last April?
I loved you then.

Remember when you served my advisor's table at the Banquet, and I could barely speak through my nervousness?
I loved you then.

Remember when Junior took her bra off in the middle of the pergola, and all I saw was you smiling?
I loved you then.

Remember when you walked me back to my dorm after the Taco Bell 9:30-10, laughing in the face of conjectures?
I loved you then.

Remember when we ditched the pirate dance to talk in the woods, and you put your forehead to mine and said that nothing would change?
I loved you then.

Remember when we lay on Blondie's bed listening to her tell stories, my head on your shoulder, your hands wrapped around mine, and she pushed you to answer questions you weren't ready to hear?
I loved you then.

Remember when you said you liked Tex on the lawn in front of the dining hall, and only Junior heard the sound of my world falling apart?
I loved you then.

Remember when you hugged me in front of the sand arena, spurs jangling, Senior smiling in the background?
I loved you then.

Remember when I walked up to you at lunch, and your face went cold, and you turned away?
I loved you then.

And now, writing these words, a steady ache in my chest, scared of facing anything or anyone?
I love you now.

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Happy Holloween, Oasis

There's a dance tonight. Ooooooooh. I'm sorta really excited. Since Junior said she'd do my makeup and all. So I might not look like a ten-year-old. Wouldn't that be nice.

Apparently Sophomore's crushing on Creeper (this freshman boy who stalked me for a couple weeks at the beginning of the year, hence the name). And he'd go for her, too, he's desperate. Fuck life. Well, with any luck, he spontaneously combusts. But that's probably not going to happen.

E's having a hard time of it right now. I feel so bad, but I just don't know how to handle it. He knows I don't like guys, and he gets that it's never going to happen. I just wish I could like him. Everything would be so much easier.

21 days until Thanksgiving break.

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Sweet, sweet revenge

There was a dance last night. SO much fun. I grinded with all the dorky freshmen boys who can't dance. AND. I grinded. With the boy. Sophomore says she likes. Twice. Revenge is sooo sweet.

I also danced with Junior a bit, which was fun. She's an amazing dancer. And before the dance, Blondie (A sophomore, and a good friend of Sophomore's) tied me down and covered my face in makeup, and then made me wear one of her shirts. I actually looked pretty decent. Slutty, but decent.

And today's a holiday, so I'm just going to hang out, do nothing, maybe try to work things out with E, whatever.

I've decided that life is going to be okay. All the ups and downs are too much, and the downs aren't worth it.

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More About Sophomore

She really needs to figure her shit out. She's still being all edgy on me. I went with the only course of action I could see.... convince enough people that I'm over her, and maybe I'll convince myself. She is a bitch, after all. Selfish, clueless, oblivious, mean. And yet I'd still jump off a fucking cliff to even have a conversation with her.

More and more people know that I'm gay. It gets easier to talk about it with every discussion I have. Apparently a lot of the other freshman girls feel really disconnected with me because I always lock into myself. So, I've decided that from now through Wednesday, I'm only going to hang out and get into conversations with other freshman girls. Just to see.

It's impossible to even begin to describe how much I need to be loved right now. I need a shoulder that won't duck away, hands that won't push, lips that won't frown, a heart that won't turn to stone.

It doesn't feel like so much to ask. I may not be hot, I may not be perfect. But I'm not ugly, I'm not nasty, I'm always there for anyone who needs it. It feels like all I get for all my trying is pushed away and rejected, again and again.

25 days till Thanksgiving break.

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I hooked up with E. Who is a freshman boy. Which means he has no judgement. And is a "he". He knows I don't like guys, he was one of the first people I told. And he was so great about it. He's my best friend here. But then we were sitting out on a bench at Upper Field, and it was dark, and we were just talking, laughing, whatever. And then, all of sudden, he was kissing me, and I was kissing him back. Jesus, I don't know why, he's not even that cute by guy standards, but he's just so sweet, and I'm just so absolutely starved for affection... and then he was feeling me up, and I didn't stop him *headdesk*, and then it was time for study hall, so we walked back to the dorms. His arm around me, like always. WHAT DO I DO aaaaagggh. I really love him, he's a great guy, but not in that way. I can't get myself caught up in this "I WILL convince myself to be attracted to a guy" thing again. I already know it doesn't work.

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Empty inside...

I thought coming to boarding school would fix everything. My problems were back home in Chicago, I could start over, do things the right way. And for the first couple weeks, that worked. But then I realized I couldn't be that person. I'm awkward. I'm gay. Sometimes I say things I don't mean. Sometimes I cry. There are scars on my wrists. More often than not, I'm too clingy. That's who I am, it's not going to change. Junior says she doesn't mind, but then she never quite looks me in the eye. Senior only spends time with me when she's got nothing else to do. Sophomore still hasn't talked to me. Walked right by me when I was cleaning my saddle, then again when I was taking Ink up to turnout. Not a glance, not a word. Jingling spurs never sounded so loud. Then, after formal, standing in a circle with Junior and a sophomore boy, talked to both of them, but never looked once at me, never even said hi. I miss her so much. I miss the easy friendships I had at home, the ones that weren't shaky, the ones with ten years of base. I'm so worn out, never physically tired, just emotionally. When all I need is to sleep, and forget for a few hours, either I can't, or Sophomore haunts my dreams.

At least I have Ink... I rode tackless today, and he finally got a flying lead change.

33 days to Thanksgiving break.

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I'm giving Sophomore the silent treatment. She hasn't noticed. But I watched her ride for a good half hour, also without her noticing. She's beautiful on a horse, they look like they were born together. Seamless. I miss the way she used to be, before she started getting freaked out by me, by the idea of me, by the idea of me and her. I feel like such crap.

cantbreathe's picture

My darling Sophomore,

Stop toying with my emotions. You're saying you're straight, now, but no one believes you. We all know you crushed on Senior. Besides, do you really think you can strip girls as hot as Junior down to barely nothing during play-wrestling fights, and then laugh it off like it's nothing? You said I creeped you out, you said my feelings made it awkward. Two days before, you were letting me lie with my head on your chest, playing with my fingers, playing with my hair. I guess you were playing with my heart too. Now the hugs are too short, the glances are too uncomfortable. With Senior, your focus is on her. With Junior, so are your hands. I'm sorry, but you're just not straight. The sooner you figure that out, the better. Maybe we could be happy. Maybe we could be perfect. I know you're scared, scared of me, scared of the school's reaction, scared of yourself. But I'd be there for you, every step of the way, every second. You'd always have someone to turn to, no matter what. You'd have love, you'd have fun. Can't you want that? Don't you want that? Please, Soph. I need you, I need this. Give me a chance, I swear I won't let you down. The days you don't talk to me, I don't talk to anyone. The days you do, I worry about how long it will last.
Far too much yours,

cantbreathe's picture


OhGodIloveboardingschool. I totally thought it sucked the first few weeks, but today was kind of a turning point. We only have classes til noon on wednesdays, so I ended up spending the rest of the day with three other girls; a sophomore, a junior, and a senior. Grade diversity represent :P
So anyway. It was AMAZING. First we went into town, which usually kinda sucks because there's like nothing to do, but it was so much fun today 'cause those three are SO FUNNY. We got ice cream, and they were practically blowing the cones, just for laughs. And then we came back here, to school,

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School's going well, thank god, I had my fears. So far, I've only told one person, my prefect (basically, the person you talk to about all your problems). During the dance last night, I got kinda freaked out due to a couple guys getting a little too handsy. So, I said something about needing air, and ducked right on out of the crazy mosh pit. S, my prefect, was near the edges of the fray, and followed me. Grabbed my shoulder, asked if I was okay...

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