Seriously. Gahhhhhhhh. I went biking with W and J this morning, and it was AMAZING. For those of you who don't read my journal obsessively :P, W is the girl I'm madly in love with, aka my best friend, and J is the guy she is madly in love with. Life's a bitch. SO anyway.
No, seriously, I'm about ten miles high off happy adrenaline right now. I went to a concert with W last night, and it was amazing in every possible way. We were taking pictures of each other, 'cause that's just how cool we are, and she looks at me and goes, "You're really pretty, you know that?" I turned bright red for the next five minutes or so, but it was totally worth it. Then, when we were leaving, the crowd was crazy and we were worried about losing each other, so she grabbed my hand. I know it was just to make sure we didn't get separated, but still... she did keep holding it for longer than was really necessary. These mixed signals are getting crazy here, what with all her ranting about J, and all of her comments about being "straight as a board". Well, I don't care, having her this close to me is all I ever could have asked for.
It came back. The feeling I used to get, before I cut. But I'll be damned if I listen to it again. That knot in my ribcage has been gone for four months now, and it's staying gone. Easy words to think, easier yet to type. But honestly, it scares me shitless. I know exactly why it's here. It's because I'm leaving my friends, my support system. That knowledge doesn't keep my fingers from shaking, though. No. I will go back to being happy. The happiness these last couple months has been really great, and I refuse to let it go.
So, I've always kind of been a sit-up person. Feel like shit? Do sit-ups. Feel fat? Do sit-ups. Can't fall asleep? Do sit-ups. Bored? Do sit-ups. Yeah, you get the idea. Usually I do 40/50 at a time, not that serious or anything. But just now, I hit 50, and I just kind of got going, kept thinking, "Okay, so I'll do five more", and then I hit 77, and my head and shoulder blades slammed into the ground, and I couldn't get back up. I kept trying to lift myself, but it felt like my abs had gone completely numb and wouldn't respond. Eventually I got 78, 79, and 80 done, and then I got up, but I had to break form for the last three. Thing is, I think I bruised my shoulder blades, and my head is spinning. Then again, I do feel good for having done that many sit-ups. Alright, the rant's over.
So, she's known all along. W, the best friend I'm madly in love with. I've been trying for, what, a year and a half to hide it (although admittedly, I'm not the most subtle of people), but we hung out last night, and it went something like this....
So, after a few hours and a very awkward family dinner, S left, and then she grabbed my hand and pulled me out onto the deck.
W: Okay, so what is going on?
I took my hand out of hers and tucked my hair behind my ears... couldn't think straight when she was touching me.
Me: What do you mean?
... yes, yes I did. I came out to my mom. We were walking along the lakefront, on our way to some play thing or other, and it went something like this:
Me: "So, um, Mom, can I talk to you about something?"
Mom: *pause* "Sure..."
*insert overly long silence in which I stare at my hands*
Me: "I, um, I think I might, uh, I, I like girls."
*this pause was probably only half a minute or so, but it felt like hours*
Mom: "Well, I don't think that's all that uncommon, especially at your age..."
(that's my mother for you, always the math teacher, always rationalizing)
... to South of Nowhere. Thanks, lacking_direction. It has its moments where I'm banging myself in the head, thinking "oh my god, crappy show", but the Spashley scenes are SO worth it. Problem is, as soon as I stop watching, I'm hit with a "why can't *I* have that?!" feeling. Solution: don't stop watching. Problem inhibiting solution: stupid episode won't load. Ah well, I shall wait.
There, now that's out in the open. Basically, I'm just feeling really lonely and unloved at the moment (come on, we all have those times), and would love just to have someone to talk to. So, I don't know, if someone happens to read this, and has an AIM, or gmail, or something, I could use a little virtual company. Signing off of self-pity plea now —
Well, I didn't do it. I was going to go to the Gay Center yesterday, but I chickened out. I just kept coming up with excuses. I'll do it eventually... hopefully.
Also, I just ate a gigantic slice of pizza, so I'm feeling exceedingly fat. Really should've eaten about a third of that. But I didn't. Typical me.
Well, Gay Center, actually, but they've got a youth drop-in place, according to their website. I'm thinking of going there tomorrow morning. It's only a short subway ride away, and my mom will probably buy the "going for a long walk on the lakefront" excuse, or maybe I could bike over there and just label it as a bike ride. Problem is, I can't figure out when the hell they open, and I'd feel like an idiot if I got there and the place was closed. But hey, most places are open by like 10:30 / 11, right? Right. I'm nervous.
I just joined this site, so I'm not really sure how things work around here, but I suppose a nice little situation synopsis would be a decent way to start. I'm heading off to boarding school in a couple months. It's a very nice school, relatively liberal, and the people are insanely friendly. My main worry is how to approach my sexuality. I'm lesbian,