Now, I am more stable, and no longer in a fetal position on my floor. But the bad feelings remain. SO.... I shall now attempt to organize my feelings as well as I can, and this shall be my last word on this subject.
Epiphany is an amazing thing. Although, it is not always a wonderful thing. The good epiphanies come from House episodes in which he always has those epiphanies that get the diagnosis that save the patient. The 2 I had last night were the bad ones. They were the bad epiphanies.
Well, after I finished my previously mentioned breakdown, I continued with my life for a brief few hours. But then my gf texted (A bit of explanation on this: she's a chick from my swim team that asked me out. I couldn't say no. I just couldn't. I really do like her, but only as a friend. I can't say no to anyone.) We talked a few hours, then she ended by telling me "I love you.....more than you know". My realization of how much she actually liked me then set me off again. What was I supposed to tell her? That I can't love her, such a thing is impossible, and I've been lying this whole time?
Right now, I am in the midst of a huge and terrible breakthrough.
I just realized, in a chat with my best friend, Shelby (dracofangxxx) that I will have to tell my parents everything. How will they handle knowing that they never knew that their son was gay? That he will never grow up how they assumed? That he would never get a comfy 1 wife 2 kid family? That he will not follow the established life plan?
Don't worry, I wasn't raped >:D At the movie marathon tonight, we decided to play spin the bottle. It was now fortunate that they were all girls, because they asked me then what was the dirtiest thing that I thought about one of my guy crushes... Hehe... I was still the slightest bit uncomfortable with discussing this openly to a room of girls, but at least they understood. And also, this wasn't the crush I had the dirtiest thoughts about...hehe. I said kissing.
right now, I am at a friend's house, having a disney movie marathon. We're having a lot of fun. But i wish that our host had at least invited a guy or two. It's me in a house full of girls :D
So today, I was in one of my classes, complaining to my best friend S., because her bf wouldn't give me a hug since I came out to him. Then, the other person at our table, A., said "well maybe he thinks you're gay", and then in the ensuing laughter from me and S., took the time to apologize to me, and then I assured her that apologies were not needed. I wonder if A. got it or not.
I was all tired at swimming and didn't want to teach because of my tiredness, which might have something to do with the title... I've been intentionally giving away and scarfing the not amazingly large load I got for Halloween. I eat healthy by avoiding the sight of candy. I'm just as happy without the candy, and with the candy I skip dinner and get all sick. UGH... So, now I've gotten rid of it, can go back to oranges instead of reeses. YAH!
Have you ever had milk duds? They are the hardest things to swallow in the world , Probably. I think it would be a good bit of fun to have a milk dud contest with like 10 milk duds, and you have to get ALL of each of them down. It's so hard because they start getting stuck in your teeth.
For the past couple of weeks, my left ring finger has been getting more and more pain right next to the fingernail. I investigated, and it's not an ingrown, it just appears to be a sore spot. So I put numbing then antiseptic creams on it. Does anyone know what this is?
To sum up how boring my life is, today, I went to school, swam, taught adorable 4 year olds to swim, homework, then bed. Yesterday, school, swimming, homework, bed. Tommorow, school, swimming, homework, bed. It's not that it's INCREDIBLY boring, but it is repititious.
Well, I'm going to tell like everyone I know. But do I just go to the front of the classroom and just say "I'm not straight. At all. Or even close."? Do I tell everyone one on one? That's boring! What should I do to spread this?
Well, I've been obsesively picking at my teeth with a toothpick, and then I find blood on the end. Is that a problem? :D
I've decided that LGBT is a BLT, but what do you think the G is? (I didn't want to clog the forum with this trivial question.)
Today, my 3 1/2 foot tall Lego Eiffel Tower fell off my dresser. It was pretty epic to watch, actually, as I was jumping out of the way. This thing is MASSIVE, like 3500 pieces. my whole room is a big mess of Eiffel Tower pieces. It flipped in the air so that it landed with the top pointing towards the dresser, so ALMOST a full flip. I've never seen an Eiffel Tower do that before, personally.
I've finally came out to a guy! It's always harder with them because the chicks can identify with liking guys. I'm real close to coming out to the world.