Epiphanies are so versatile. Although this one was not really so much of sudden epiphany such as slow realization. I stayed home from swimming today, and I finally decided that I DO NOT CARE WHAT THEY THINK. They can think it, and I will just not let them get to me. They'll let it go.
So then, gf just told me that everyone was asking why she was so upset. She said she told our swim coach, and EVERYONE. Fuck. I just want to cry now... Fuckfuckfuck... This might get to my PARENTS. I have to tell them before that happens, but I'm not ready. All this because of a single ya 5 weeks ago! I'm just going to cry now. This f****** sucks...
Well, after I broke up with gf, I found out today that minutes after I told her, she told L on the swim team. Seriously?! Couldn't you ask, or at least wait a few hours before you start telling people I''m gay?
And then, L blabbed to me "you're gay" right in front of EVERYONE. I just told her "well thanks for informing me".
Didn't they think there was a REASON I hadn't already told everyone?
Soooooo.... Today, before swimming, I finally told my gf I'm gay. She took it ok, except that she said that it just hadn't sunk in, and that when it did, she'd go into a fit of crying. Fabulous.
And, she told her friends, and now they want to beat me up. Of course, the fact that I did the whole thing to make her happy is inconsequential, and nobody should ever break up for the trifling reason of being gay.
I don't want to be beat up...
I went to a swim meet this weekend. Which is usually nice, but for some reason, for the past few days I have just been EXHAUSTED. I think I may be sick. Which is not great at a swim meet. However, I did beat one 16 year old on my team (3 years my senior). woohoo.
I just realized I have a huge divot in the armrest of my computer chair from putting my elbow there a lot. Do you ever have little things in your life, where things accomodate and personalize you? So someone else could look at it and be like "oh, THEY've been here alright. And recently, too."
Now, I am more stable, and no longer in a fetal position on my floor. But the bad feelings remain. SO.... I shall now attempt to organize my feelings as well as I can, and this shall be my last word on this subject.
Epiphany is an amazing thing. Although, it is not always a wonderful thing. The good epiphanies come from House episodes in which he always has those epiphanies that get the diagnosis that save the patient. The 2 I had last night were the bad ones. They were the bad epiphanies.
Well, after I finished my previously mentioned breakdown, I continued with my life for a brief few hours. But then my gf texted (A bit of explanation on this: she's a chick from my swim team that asked me out. I couldn't say no. I just couldn't. I really do like her, but only as a friend. I can't say no to anyone.) We talked a few hours, then she ended by telling me "I love you.....more than you know". My realization of how much she actually liked me then set me off again. What was I supposed to tell her? That I can't love her, such a thing is impossible, and I've been lying this whole time?
Right now, I am in the midst of a huge and terrible breakthrough.
I just realized, in a chat with my best friend, Shelby (dracofangxxx) that I will have to tell my parents everything. How will they handle knowing that they never knew that their son was gay? That he will never grow up how they assumed? That he would never get a comfy 1 wife 2 kid family? That he will not follow the established life plan?
Don't worry, I wasn't raped >:D At the movie marathon tonight, we decided to play spin the bottle. It was now fortunate that they were all girls, because they asked me then what was the dirtiest thing that I thought about one of my guy crushes... Hehe... I was still the slightest bit uncomfortable with discussing this openly to a room of girls, but at least they understood. And also, this wasn't the crush I had the dirtiest thoughts about...hehe. I said kissing.
right now, I am at a friend's house, having a disney movie marathon. We're having a lot of fun. But i wish that our host had at least invited a guy or two. It's me in a house full of girls :D
So today, I was in one of my classes, complaining to my best friend S., because her bf wouldn't give me a hug since I came out to him. Then, the other person at our table, A., said "well maybe he thinks you're gay", and then in the ensuing laughter from me and S., took the time to apologize to me, and then I assured her that apologies were not needed. I wonder if A. got it or not.
I was all tired at swimming and didn't want to teach because of my tiredness, which might have something to do with the title... I've been intentionally giving away and scarfing the not amazingly large load I got for Halloween. I eat healthy by avoiding the sight of candy. I'm just as happy without the candy, and with the candy I skip dinner and get all sick. UGH... So, now I've gotten rid of it, can go back to oranges instead of reeses. YAH!
Have you ever had milk duds? They are the hardest things to swallow in the world , Probably. I think it would be a good bit of fun to have a milk dud contest with like 10 milk duds, and you have to get ALL of each of them down. It's so hard because they start getting stuck in your teeth.
For the past couple of weeks, my left ring finger has been getting more and more pain right next to the fingernail. I investigated, and it's not an ingrown, it just appears to be a sore spot. So I put numbing then antiseptic creams on it. Does anyone know what this is?