i keep trying to make friends and hang out with people and they all ditch me
my best friend doesn't even like me
i don't fucking understand what's so bad about me
my sister ruined my graduation by screaming at me and calling me a bitch right after i came out with my diploma
just so much keeps going wrong. i keep applying at places for a job, no job yet.
i am just a body to you
A bed so far from home, I stare at translucent blinds watching cars go by as your fingers shuffle hungrily under the elastic lining of my fuzzy pajama pants. Your voice is ragged as you say ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’ and rub your tear stained face and lips on my goosebumped neck, savoring me. I feel your sobs, you remind me that it’s been six years- you’ve waited, you’ve waited so long. You, you, you. I look out the window and wonder how my miracle could go so wrong. I prayed to be in another bed with another set of hungry hands.
hes gone again
lies pounding through nervous arteries, promises never meant to be kept
i spent so long cutting myself over people instead of cutting people out, but i am now snipping gangrenous friendships off. i may lose the limb but i’ll save the body.
it’s supposed to feel better but it doesn’t yet, i still have 3rd degree burn scars on my breasts and thighs from where your hands blazed like hungry wildfire and i can taste ash in my mouth; the embers are still glowing within me
you replied to one text before i got home around 4:00, i had 20 tulips packed in a box on my bed and you were right, i cried when i saw them
(not for the reason you wanted)
you nearly broke up with me on valentine's day, i had to convince you that i was worth it
but i've seen the mistake etched in your words, i've seen the shift of your actions, and maybe, just
i can trust you this time
we both know that you don't get this way because of true apathy, oh no- 4 years of being best friends and you loving me the entire time, it'd be foolish to explain away the apathy with that
ignored me all day, didn't even say goodnight
how did i know i could not trust you yet again
i am worried about the valentines day presents that will arrive on my doorstep
i was not aware you could deliver lies to me in person, being 1200 miles away, but you continue to impress me
i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.
i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace
did i start the poetry train rollin? awesome
I don’t know why he thinks I’m the fragile one, when he
cannot handle sleeping any less than 8 hours
without turning into a moody mess; when he
cannot spend one lazy weekend without seeing his friends
and cracks when he cannot play
less than 20 hours of video games a week.
It may be true that my hips look
like I ran them through a meat grinder,
and my tear ducts get more excersize than
my lungs have in years,
but I sleep 2 hours every night and
take care of my problems.
vomiting through my nose, i choke
panicked gasps and still my shaking hand;
35 pretty red lines marking my hips today-
slices upon thickened scar tissue, my
musical ledger lines waiting to be notated.
i told you my trust was not to be given;
only auctioned to the highest bidder
willing to excersize extreme self sacrifice
you looked at me with honeyed eyes,
forgetting who you are,
and handed me an IOU
How do you describe to someone
who is so apathetic and cruel
that they’re that kind of angry again?
you may have thought you had an off switch,
a kill code,
but it’s trapped somewhere inside of that skull, and you
are not at home, absent,
and i am standing at your door in the rain
You didn’t let me say goodbye, goodnight, that I love you-
with the riveting explanation of your all day absence tomorrow,
you deftly gave our relationship the middle finger.
little do you know
i remember when you told me
once or twice, that you left a spot next to you in bed every night
1200 miles (well it’s actually 1267, you’d chime in) away
and yet you kept a space there
in case I, sleepily, crept into your arms in the midst of the night
rest with you
now it is i, 1200 miles away
who leaves a spot for you every sleepless night
my bed’s not big enough for your 6’2” body
and definitely not your dick,
i’d say, like always, ever-the-immature-one
and we’d laugh just like before, your childlike giggle
-No more Miche. She stopped liking me. Broken heart, yadda yadda.
-sorted things out with the long distance relationship boy. He's got mental health issues, which we're working on finding compromises to. Got to a bit of an understanding with that now, so things are....well. Things are very nice, very comfortable, very happy. Very, very, very, amazing.
-got a haircut. I am a sexy beast, yo. my self confidence levels have gone up, been eating right, even excersizing. i feel very good about myself. the boyfriend may be helping a lot though, being nonabusive or douchey and all.... ;)
So I'm leaving for Champs this weekend with my show band, hopefully we'll kick majour ass. :) I'll let you guys know how we do when I get back!
But- GUYS CHECK OUT MY HALLOWEEN COSTUME
Y'all bitches be so fukken jealous of my engineer costume!
So, we had our second competition this weekend, and we took sweepstakes! Woo! :) It was rainy and gross, yet we still scored an 87.4 I think. Pretty goddamn awesome! :)
Some photos of me in uni for your viewing pleasure:
http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/308023_484948301529151_910452... me and my two friends :)
So I was gonna write this earlier, but I've been asleep for most of the day. I'll probably get to a nice, thorough journal sometime when I'm not pasing out. took some codeiene cough syrpup a while ago so i'm starting to fel the efffects
#1- last journal,, Miche kind of "brok eup with me" abd said we couldn't flirt
#2- this was promptly ignored again as of yesterday at the band compettition, on the bus ride home/being outside in the cold
#3- we had a band competition that I'll post photos/videos of so you can check it out