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Obligatory 'Site is ending' post.

I didn't think I'd feel so surreal about it all, but I guess it just hit me. I wonder how many people are checking in often like I am to watch the site crumble away? Kinda like a viking funeral. Gentle pushes off into the great beyond in a silent blaze or something cheesy and poetic.

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i keep trying to make friends and hang out with people and they all ditch me

my best friend doesn't even like me

i don't fucking understand what's so bad about me

my sister ruined my graduation by screaming at me and calling me a bitch right after i came out with my diploma

just so much keeps going wrong. i keep applying at places for a job, no job yet.

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i am just a body to you

i am just a body to you
A bed so far from home, I stare at translucent blinds watching cars go by as your fingers shuffle hungrily under the elastic lining of my fuzzy pajama pants. Your voice is ragged as you say ‘you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful’ and rub your tear stained face and lips on my goosebumped neck, savoring me. I feel your sobs, you remind me that it’s been six years- you’ve waited, you’ve waited so long. You, you, you. I look out the window and wonder how my miracle could go so wrong. I prayed to be in another bed with another set of hungry hands.

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hes gone again

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toxic people

lies pounding through nervous arteries, promises never meant to be kept

i spent so long cutting myself over people instead of cutting people out, but i am now snipping gangrenous friendships off. i may lose the limb but i’ll save the body.

it’s supposed to feel better but it doesn’t yet, i still have 3rd degree burn scars on my breasts and thighs from where your hands blazed like hungry wildfire and i can taste ash in my mouth; the embers are still glowing within me

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you replied to one text before i got home around 4:00, i had 20 tulips packed in a box on my bed and you were right, i cried when i saw them
(not for the reason you wanted)

you nearly broke up with me on valentine's day, i had to convince you that i was worth it
but i've seen the mistake etched in your words, i've seen the shift of your actions, and maybe, just
i can trust you this time

we both know that you don't get this way because of true apathy, oh no- 4 years of being best friends and you loving me the entire time, it'd be foolish to explain away the apathy with that

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ignored me all day, didn't even say goodnight
how did i know i could not trust you yet again
i am worried about the valentines day presents that will arrive on my doorstep
i was not aware you could deliver lies to me in person, being 1200 miles away, but you continue to impress me

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i was so impressed at the way you listened to me. classical apathetic argument between us, you stayed silent and i placed words out like setting the table for a large family dinner, inviting you to sit down for a bit. you told me honestly you wanted to leave.

i gave you all the information i could to salvage your frayed mind and left you in peace

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did i start the poetry train rollin? awesome
I don’t know why he thinks I’m the fragile one, when he

cannot handle sleeping any less than 8 hours

without turning into a moody mess; when he

cannot spend one lazy weekend without seeing his friends

and cracks when he cannot play

less than 20 hours of video games a week.

It may be true that my hips look

like I ran them through a meat grinder,

and my tear ducts get more excersize than

my lungs have in years,

but I sleep 2 hours every night and

take care of my problems.

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vomiting through my nose, i choke
panicked gasps and still my shaking hand;
35 pretty red lines marking my hips today-
slices upon thickened scar tissue, my
musical ledger lines waiting to be notated.
i told you my trust was not to be given;
only auctioned to the highest bidder
willing to excersize extreme self sacrifice

you looked at me with honeyed eyes,
forgetting who you are,
and handed me an IOU

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How do you describe to someone

who is so apathetic and cruel

that they’re that kind of angry again?

you may have thought you had an off switch,

a kill code,

but it’s trapped somewhere inside of that skull, and you

are not at home, absent,


and i am standing at your door in the rain
You didn’t let me say goodbye, goodnight, that I love you-

with the riveting explanation of your all day absence tomorrow,

you deftly gave our relationship the middle finger.

little do you know

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i remember when you told me

once or twice, that you left a spot next to you in bed every night

1200 miles (well it’s actually 1267, you’d chime in) away

and yet you kept a space there

in case I, sleepily, crept into your arms in the midst of the night

to sleep


rest with you

now it is i, 1200 miles away

who leaves a spot for you every sleepless night

my bed’s not big enough for your 6’2” body

and definitely not your dick,

i’d say, like always, ever-the-immature-one

and we’d laugh just like before, your childlike giggle

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Boring update because it's all happy things pretty much!

-No more Miche. She stopped liking me. Broken heart, yadda yadda.
-sorted things out with the long distance relationship boy. He's got mental health issues, which we're working on finding compromises to. Got to a bit of an understanding with that now, so things are....well. Things are very nice, very comfortable, very happy. Very, very, very, amazing.
-got a haircut. I am a sexy beast, yo. my self confidence levels have gone up, been eating right, even excersizing. i feel very good about myself. the boyfriend may be helping a lot though, being nonabusive or douchey and all.... ;)

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So I'm leaving for Champs this weekend with my show band, hopefully we'll kick majour ass. :) I'll let you guys know how we do when I get back!




Y'all bitches be so fukken jealous of my engineer costume!

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Show band competitions!

So, we had our second competition this weekend, and we took sweepstakes! Woo! :) It was rainy and gross, yet we still scored an 87.4 I think. Pretty goddamn awesome! :)

Some photos of me in uni for your viewing pleasure:


http://sphotos-a.xx.fbcdn.net/hphotos-ash4/308023_484948301529151_910452... me and my two friends :)



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