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"My Suicide"

"Suicide is a form of murder- Premeditated murder. It isn't something you do the first time you think of doing it. It takes getting used to. And you need the means, the opportunity, the motive. A successful suicide demands good organization and a cool head, both of which are usually incompatible with the suicidal state of mind."

Page 36

"Actually, the only part of myself I wanted to kill was the part that wanted to kill herself, that dragged me into the suicide debate and made every window, kitchen implement, and subway station a rehearsal for tragedy.

Dracofangxxx's picture

Anybody listen to Freezepop?

Or Basshunter, Aqua, Xamanist, or Cascada?

They're my favorites right now X3

So much technotherapy...

Techo, Europop, and Trance are my loves right now. Can't help it. They make my mind go fffffff and I just fuzz out...

Any good bands to share?

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Calmed down

I swear, if things ever get that bad again, I will run away D: <
Luckily, a few VERY caring friends kept me sane. That whole thing was sort of embarrassing.

I'm reading this book called "Girl, Interrupted". It was made into a movie, too. Anybody heard of it?
I really like it.
It connects to me alot. It's about girls with mental health problems.

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I can't be insane, I can't be

Help me.

I need a place to stay right now, or I will kill myself. I swear. I can't stand this madhouse.

I've got $120 and good cooking skills.

I don't want to die. I don't want to try again.

But then I'd be doing you a favor, right, Mother?

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"Dude, I LOVE dick!"

"Oh fuck yeah, man! I love it too!"
We so needed one of you guys to be there XD Heard that yesterday after the parade.

Anyways... I keep not writing things on here, so this might be long.

This journal is not happy. It might seem so at first, but I'll go downhill slowly so that I don't dump you into my problems headfirst.

Friday was fun. I was outside all day, band practice in the morning, first period inside, second period inside, third period outside reading, fourth period inside, fifth and sixth outside for band practice, and then straight to the beach.

It was a half day.

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I'm not thinking straight...

I'm thinking quite lesbian today ;D

Today was pretty amazing.

We had band practice from 10-2 again, and I got super-sunburnt... I HAVE THE WORST FARMER'S TAN.

The best part was definitely lunch, when Pi was playing guitar and EVERYONE was singing along. We got the WHOLE band to sing "I'm yours" in unison XD and then our teacher, Mrs. Neptune, randomly handed me this piece of pastry, and she said "Here, for you, Shelby. Because I love you." X3
It was a cream puff...

But seriously

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Pretty

Pretty Boys just look so good
and they would love us if they could

But Pretty Boys, they take your heart
and then they break it all apart

Well, Pretty Girls, they blow my mind
And Pretty Girls aren't hard to find;

But Pretty Girls would not want me
For the Pretty Boys are all they see

Hopeless

Poetry, my sin
The selfish indulgence;
For where else may I...
Oh, pause to write
Explaining my desires?

Hopeless wishing
Fashioned from silver
Inlaid in gold
and crafted with
Diamond-studded locks;

Where can I find the key
To these rusted barriers?

Lucky

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*insert profanity here*

*and here and here and here and here and here and here and

all
the
way
down
here
as
well*

I have to write this quick while my mom's out.

Tomorrow I have tryouts and I'm super nervous and stressed and not prepared so I stayed home instead of going to do something for my sister but she called and yelled at me "because I didn't inform her and be responsible" but my MOTHER WHO DOESN'T WORK KNEW and made it sound VERY CLEAR SHE WOULD TELL HER SINCE WE WORKED IT OUT AS I WAS GOING TO SCHOOL AOHSL:JAH:Lths;

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Poetry in LA! Somethin' about Chad for you guys :P AND CHERRY

It's super cheesy, but I thought you guys'd like it XD

Chad:

His hair is golden
mess and curls
Eyes blue as sky;

A laugh like a rug
As it unfurls;
He's my favorite guy.

An inspiration
to us all,
He teaches me how to smile;

And when life
Seems to fall
He picks it up for a while.

You never make me mad
Or sad
I guess it's true, I <3 you Chad :)

I also wrote a long, crappy one called "If"

If:

If I had given it my all,
If I had flown and never fall;
If I had given it my best,
and went and passed every single test,

Or,

If I had done the selfish deed

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Do you ever stop to wave at time going by?

Goddamnit. I accidentally backed out and I had ALOT WRITTEN HEREEEE

Let's re-write it, damnit.
LONG POST WARNING

I had a really eventful weekend. Friday I sat around and did my... Stuff. Watched a movie, ate, slept, ate, played my DS, ate, the usual. Speaking of eating, I'm gonna go make lunch. And THEN finish writing this.

Alright, lunch time por moi. Grilled cheese and onion sandwich, soup with green onions and shrimp. Yum. Can you tell I love <3 <3 onions?

Hmm I sorta eat like a college student: Using leftovers and cheap food.

I've become an emotional eater. P:

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Ticks, itches, withdrawls, whatever you call them

They are...
Really, really, really

Not fun.

I sorta kinda a little bit hate life right now.

I had a terrible night...

Forgot to take my pill, was forty minutes late.

...I think I'm just gonna go... Lay down. Yeah.

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Tulips and string cheese P:

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INTIMATE FACE TOUCHING and best father evar

THAT IS THE WEIRDEST COMBINATION OF TITLES EVER
But.
The first part will come later.

I dunno, I just thought about it. I have the best father ever :D He always buys me the stuff I want, never yells at me, is always proud of me, and all that awesome junk.

Ohkay, sure, he's embarrassing. But everyone else thinks he's funny. So that's alright.

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______________

Today, I realized something. My life is not incredibly bad. There are people, even those closest to me, that have a much worse life.
That being said, my past still isn't too good.

Let's go over this.

I've been physically abused by my sister. She beat me. She beat me when I answered a question wrong. She slapped me when I said something stupid. She punched me when I accidentally insulted her.

Why?

Because my parents beat her. Because my parents were beat by their alchoholic parents. Because it passed down the line.

I learnt to apologize. I learnt a fear of being wrong.

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Dropping stones into water, hoping one might float back up

It's been a short time knowing you, in reality. But it feels so long. The cruelty. What is it born out of?
And...

Is it possible that, just maybe, I can give this up?

I am so sick of feeling ANYTHING. I don't want to be happy. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be in love.

I just want REST.

We have to pick a song for LA and talk about the lyrics. I hate stuff like this, because I have such a varied musical interest that it makes it VERY hard to choose. I figure I'm gonna go with a Beatles song.
Cuz that's real cliche and awesome.

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