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______________

Today, I realized something. My life is not incredibly bad. There are people, even those closest to me, that have a much worse life.
That being said, my past still isn't too good.

Let's go over this.

I've been physically abused by my sister. She beat me. She beat me when I answered a question wrong. She slapped me when I said something stupid. She punched me when I accidentally insulted her.

Why?

Because my parents beat her. Because my parents were beat by their alchoholic parents. Because it passed down the line.

I learnt to apologize. I learnt a fear of being wrong.

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Dropping stones into water, hoping one might float back up

It's been a short time knowing you, in reality. But it feels so long. The cruelty. What is it born out of?
And...

Is it possible that, just maybe, I can give this up?

I am so sick of feeling ANYTHING. I don't want to be happy. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be in love.

I just want REST.

We have to pick a song for LA and talk about the lyrics. I hate stuff like this, because I have such a varied musical interest that it makes it VERY hard to choose. I figure I'm gonna go with a Beatles song.
Cuz that's real cliche and awesome.

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I want

I want to go around the city
and find those who need help
I want to stop
ask
and help them through whatever they need
Whether it be carrying, feeding, pushing-
Helping...

I want to run around a park
and find those teary-eyed people sitting
alone on the benches;
and give them a hug and ask them to tell me
What went wrong
How can I help
Will you smile for me?

I want to donate all of my body parts
to some random hospital
to give to people when I die-
Just so I know that
part of me will live on and
perhaps, save lives-
Even when I'm no longer around to do it myself.

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I just feel like I should write before bed

Today I was supposed to stay silent.

I didn't.

I failed miserably out of fear of getting in trouble by a teacher. Plus... I'm weak. I like talking. It reminds me I'm alive.

I got my blood test back today. After much fear, I have normal Iron levels in my blood. I'm healthy...!
How happy. I was very scared.

SPEAKING OF BLOOD...

TO THE MENS. I'd just suggest skipping this next part. It's about womanlyness.

Today in PE a terrible thing happened. I started my period yesterday, which means I'm heavy for the next five or so P:

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And so, I cannot speak- My fingers do the speaking in the whispers of a pen trailing across a post-it note.

I messed up a little
I said
"Hey..."

Ooops
and
"OH I'm wearing my socks!"

D:
But it's the morning so I'll forgive myself.

Had a pretty freakin' crappy day yesterday. I fell asleep while doing my homework. Which REALLY ISN'T GOOD TODAY. So I might have to do it in Social Studies P:

I HAVE LOTS OF STICKY NOTES HELL YEAH

Ummmm... What else to say
I went to the doctor
BY MYSELF

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I cut my own hair

Just a little bit on the sides. Gee, it was alot of hair though. It's so I can pull it back today, and wear my dress. I'm trying to look as pretty as possible and stun people XD

Yesterday I did a great thing with Kay. We stayed after school until seven thirty to help out with this thing at our school called "Market Day"-

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-blank-

I have no titles lately P:

Yesterday was fabulous. Why? No sleep=better day? Jeez. I don't know anymore. Maybe I should just NEVER go to bed. Life'll be FABULOUS.

I got two good hits in softball, and my ability to run without passing out, coughing, or dying is getting MUCH better cuz I keep pushing myself so hard. (Per.1)

Jonah's being real nice to me in Geometry. (Per. 2)

The library is really fun. And I got like eight sources for my subject, Dale Chihuly. He's a glass artist over here in Washington. (Per. 3)

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...I want to FOX with you!

I think this was the best day EVAR XD

<3

I'll write again in the morning, so I apolgize in advance for backed up journals...

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Apologies

The last journal was never written.

And if you read it, pretend it wasn't.

Comments as well. No, comments ESPECIALLY.

Good morning, good morning, I love you all.

Guess who didn't get any sleep at all?

Me, the girl who went to bed a "one"

Who barely got all her homework done

A month of stress and quick writing reprise

Returned to find quite a bittersweet suprise

So from now on, I'll watch what I write

In hopes that I can fall asleep tonight...

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Four hundred a b seven semicolon period capital o comma nine

I figured that'd be a more fun title than 400ab7;.O,9
Or whatever.

I'm lonely again. I forgot to write before I went to sleep last night (At eleven thirty. I sleep at the same time EVERY night, even school nights I think) and I got up at nine thirty.

Did I ever mention my love for tulips?

Kay, my best friend, picked me one yesterday and put it in my hair, and I realized "Gee, it's so pretty... I really do love tulips. "
It wilted overnight.

Is that me? A wilted tulip? Left out overnight with no water, struggling to live?

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Not in a writing mood

I'm really not. I keep leaving this screen open, blank, with nothing to write. I really should write something though. I checked in with my counselor today. It was cool. She's so nice. Um... I don't really have anything to write. Hello, weekend. I missed you.

I'm going to go play DS in my room now. Yeah. I've been working on art for way too long today. Bye guys. Sorry about my laziness.

I am a thinker and a feeler, according to my counselor. Gee, she's so wonderful. And she's right. I want to help people. I think that's what I want to do with my life. I really do...

Goodnight.

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I don't fell well

I don't want to go to school.

I'm addicted to Colbie Caillat.

I feel like throwing up D:

Thatisallfornow.

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It's a ten.

I spent two whole hours talking to my counselor.

It was...

Amazing. <3

I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say more. But she is absolutely the most fantastic person ever X3 I showed her my ankle... And she said at the end "You know, I call parents 100% of the time when I know they're cutting themselves," *Shelby does a scared face* "But I'm not going to call for you. I have a feeling we can work this out without bringing it home."

Squeee! :D She's so fabulous. Chad, I bet the other counselor is just as awesome. You should see her sometime :)

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C, Je'adore vous.

What a day.

Let me repeat that... What. A. Day.

I'mma get a snack. Be right back. Don't have a heart attack ;D

Hmm. I probably shouldn't tell you guys this, because you'll freak out. But I feel I should write it anyways. It's in my head.

I always make excuses for myself. "Oh, I'm not an alchoholic. I just like a drink every now and then when I'm sad. Oh, I'm not an emo cutter. I just like to see the blood. I don't need to see a counselor, I'm fine."

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He's so fabulous and wonderful and funny and his smile does silly things to my heart...

Right now I'm drinking black coffee with a smidge of vanilla syrup in it. It's cold, burnt, and bitter tasting.

I'm also talking to T and my buddy Marcus. About boners. And jacking off. Interesting...

I feel like crying. Odd. I always end up talking about T and how I love him... To T himself. Argh.

For now, it's bedtime. I'll post when I wake up. Night people.

Edit:

I have no time :C I slept in so I could feel better... So I'll write something later maybe. Ehh. We're doing high school registrations today. Scary! D: I'll talk to you guys laterrrrrrr <3

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