Today, I realized something. My life is not incredibly bad. There are people, even those closest to me, that have a much worse life.
That being said, my past still isn't too good.
Let's go over this.
I've been physically abused by my sister. She beat me. She beat me when I answered a question wrong. She slapped me when I said something stupid. She punched me when I accidentally insulted her.
Because my parents beat her. Because my parents were beat by their alchoholic parents. Because it passed down the line.
I learnt to apologize. I learnt a fear of being wrong.
It's been a short time knowing you, in reality. But it feels so long. The cruelty. What is it born out of?
Is it possible that, just maybe, I can give this up?
I am so sick of feeling ANYTHING. I don't want to be happy. I don't want to be sad. I don't want to be in love.
I just want REST.
We have to pick a song for LA and talk about the lyrics. I hate stuff like this, because I have such a varied musical interest that it makes it VERY hard to choose. I figure I'm gonna go with a Beatles song.
Cuz that's real cliche and awesome.
I want to go around the city
and find those who need help
I want to stop
and help them through whatever they need
Whether it be carrying, feeding, pushing-
I want to run around a park
and find those teary-eyed people sitting
alone on the benches;
and give them a hug and ask them to tell me
What went wrong
How can I help
Will you smile for me?
I want to donate all of my body parts
to some random hospital
to give to people when I die-
Just so I know that
part of me will live on and
perhaps, save lives-
Even when I'm no longer around to do it myself.
Today I was supposed to stay silent.
I failed miserably out of fear of getting in trouble by a teacher. Plus... I'm weak. I like talking. It reminds me I'm alive.
I got my blood test back today. After much fear, I have normal Iron levels in my blood. I'm healthy...!
How happy. I was very scared.
SPEAKING OF BLOOD...
TO THE MENS. I'd just suggest skipping this next part. It's about womanlyness.
Today in PE a terrible thing happened. I started my period yesterday, which means I'm heavy for the next five or so P:
I messed up a little
"OH I'm wearing my socks!"
But it's the morning so I'll forgive myself.
Had a pretty freakin' crappy day yesterday. I fell asleep while doing my homework. Which REALLY ISN'T GOOD TODAY. So I might have to do it in Social Studies P:
I HAVE LOTS OF STICKY NOTES HELL YEAH
Ummmm... What else to say
I went to the doctor
Just a little bit on the sides. Gee, it was alot of hair though. It's so I can pull it back today, and wear my dress. I'm trying to look as pretty as possible and stun people XD
Yesterday I did a great thing with Kay. We stayed after school until seven thirty to help out with this thing at our school called "Market Day"-
I have no titles lately P:
Yesterday was fabulous. Why? No sleep=better day? Jeez. I don't know anymore. Maybe I should just NEVER go to bed. Life'll be FABULOUS.
I got two good hits in softball, and my ability to run without passing out, coughing, or dying is getting MUCH better cuz I keep pushing myself so hard. (Per.1)
Jonah's being real nice to me in Geometry. (Per. 2)
The library is really fun. And I got like eight sources for my subject, Dale Chihuly. He's a glass artist over here in Washington. (Per. 3)
I think this was the best day EVAR XD
I'll write again in the morning, so I apolgize in advance for backed up journals...
The last journal was never written.
And if you read it, pretend it wasn't.
Comments as well. No, comments ESPECIALLY.
Good morning, good morning, I love you all.
Guess who didn't get any sleep at all?
Me, the girl who went to bed a "one"
Who barely got all her homework done
A month of stress and quick writing reprise
Returned to find quite a bittersweet suprise
So from now on, I'll watch what I write
In hopes that I can fall asleep tonight...
I figured that'd be a more fun title than 400ab7;.O,9
I'm lonely again. I forgot to write before I went to sleep last night (At eleven thirty. I sleep at the same time EVERY night, even school nights I think) and I got up at nine thirty.
Did I ever mention my love for tulips?
Kay, my best friend, picked me one yesterday and put it in my hair, and I realized "Gee, it's so pretty... I really do love tulips. "
It wilted overnight.
Is that me? A wilted tulip? Left out overnight with no water, struggling to live?
I'm really not. I keep leaving this screen open, blank, with nothing to write. I really should write something though. I checked in with my counselor today. It was cool. She's so nice. Um... I don't really have anything to write. Hello, weekend. I missed you.
I'm going to go play DS in my room now. Yeah. I've been working on art for way too long today. Bye guys. Sorry about my laziness.
I am a thinker and a feeler, according to my counselor. Gee, she's so wonderful. And she's right. I want to help people. I think that's what I want to do with my life. I really do...
I don't want to go to school.
I'm addicted to Colbie Caillat.
I feel like throwing up D:
I spent two whole hours talking to my counselor.
I'm not sure if I'm supposed to say more. But she is absolutely the most fantastic person ever X3 I showed her my ankle... And she said at the end "You know, I call parents 100% of the time when I know they're cutting themselves," *Shelby does a scared face* "But I'm not going to call for you. I have a feeling we can work this out without bringing it home."
Squeee! :D She's so fabulous. Chad, I bet the other counselor is just as awesome. You should see her sometime :)
What a day.
Let me repeat that... What. A. Day.
I'mma get a snack. Be right back. Don't have a heart attack ;D
Hmm. I probably shouldn't tell you guys this, because you'll freak out. But I feel I should write it anyways. It's in my head.
I always make excuses for myself. "Oh, I'm not an alchoholic. I just like a drink every now and then when I'm sad. Oh, I'm not an emo cutter. I just like to see the blood. I don't need to see a counselor, I'm fine."
Right now I'm drinking black coffee with a smidge of vanilla syrup in it. It's cold, burnt, and bitter tasting.
I'm also talking to T and my buddy Marcus. About boners. And jacking off. Interesting...
I feel like crying. Odd. I always end up talking about T and how I love him... To T himself. Argh.
For now, it's bedtime. I'll post when I wake up. Night people.
I have no time :C I slept in so I could feel better... So I'll write something later maybe. Ehh. We're doing high school registrations today. Scary! D: I'll talk to you guys laterrrrrrr <3