Everytime I start this journal, I could only get the title out. It's going to be so emo and lame...
And then I stopped and I thought: No, that's really it. That's all I need to say.
But there's stuff behind it. A meaning. A purpose. And I know I gotta force my fingers to click on the keys until it all comes out and I can feel better about it. It literally is throwing up my emotions on the page.
I feel horrible. Not just emotionally, but physically. I feel like all of my meat and fat and skin are just falling off my bones.
So I'm still bleeding.
and it's like, a liiiittle trickle, but I am so damn pissed. It's like, pointless to wear anything, but then I still smell like blood and it's groooooss!
Maybe I have an ectopic pregnancy :P
Had a private conversation with the J-man today, exboyfriend. I'm just gonna go with J-man. It's easier and more casual.
I feel better but worse. I feel really guilty and bad about some stuff.
I just want school to end so I can stay at home and wait for him to be okay to talk to me again. I don't want to have to SEE what I'm missing, you know?
GLaDOS sounds so hot. Her voice makes me weak in the knees ;D Been playing it all day :)
T-rex came over yesterday, and had a lot of fun, I think. It was pretty great. She asked me where my viola was so we could teach her (Me and KT) and I was like "Oh it's in the closet, I'm sure you know your way around in there" and KT MISSED IT AND I WAS LIKE, NOOO, THAT WAS PERFECT.
anyways just an update.
Don't miss me while I'm gone.
OMG SOMETHING'S WRONG WITH MY BODY D:
Or at least with my pills :P
I take birth control because my period is really heavy and the doctors told me they didn't want me to become anemic. It would usually last a week to two weeks before.
Well, I forgot to take a few pills this week and it started up. No biggie, took the ones I missed!
...My period is still going. Strong.
and it's been like, a week. I've ruined my pants and three pairs of underwear because it "stops" and I think "Yep, there we go!" and then BOOM MORE PERIOD.
This isn't the typical one we learned in school.
From this PDF, I basically get this out of it...
Stages in order:
And mine are just a LITTLE out of order...
Physical distress/Emotional release (The throwing up combined with crying)
...And that's where I'm stopped
somewhere between withdrawal and anger.
Chris says HELLO!
but I don't feel like it. My mood was like, a four, and now it's like, a two. And I'm lazy.
So here's a link to my Tumblr with the shortened explanation and I'm gonna go bleh now.
Very happy today. I think the emotionall stress is almost all gone- but my body's still having eating problems.
Blueboy's being lulzylicious. Acting all angry and depressed and shit.
Is this not what he wanted???
It makes me laugh, because he's the one who begged for us to stay best friends. And now he's ignoring and avoiding me and looking all upset all day :P Maybe he should decide what he REALLY wants before acting!
anyways, that might not be it. It might be other things about me he's mad about or something. Idk.
Anyways, I'm off to destress!
Good news: T-rex hugged me tons today, told me she was here for me, and then said "I KNOW WHAT YOU NEED...A SLEEPOVER. WITH ME. THIS WEEKEND. IT'S ON.
OH WAIT I HAVE TO GO TO MY GRANDMA'S HOUSE OKAY NEXT WEEKEND THEN".
And my god her boobs envelop my face when she hugs me! Awesome.
found a few more people I can talk to and they're pretty cool. They relieve my stress.
I actually wasn't that upset today- I'll get to that later though.
Well, he broke up with me.
I knew this was gonna happen, either from me, or from him.
He said that he really loves me but isn't IN love with me.
And I really knew that. I kinda figured it out for a while.
He also said I'm his best friend- And he looked like he was on the verge of tears at breaking up with me. I mean, he was very upset. He kept saying "I really do love you, I love you so much, but not in the way I need to" and he said he couldn't give me what I want.
And I just sorta sat there. I didn't even cry. I was just in shock.
So I was really happy to see Boyfriend today :)
I guess I did miss him a lot :P And he was so sore from carrying his Tuba around, but he let me push on his chest even though it hurt him XD
He told me my hair looked really great, and that I looked really nice today :) And he kept stroking my face with his hand, and kissing me on the cheek. It was... Really nice. I did miss that.
So I texted him and sort of talked to him about how I was feeling and stuff, and he DIDN'T GET MAD AND DEFENSIVE! o.o
I don't think I love him anymore.
Well maybe I DO,
But I don't think I CAN.
And I want to, but,
I'm tired of waiting for him to act like he's in love with me.
For Valentine's day, I baked him a whole batch of cookie bars and wrote him a long note telling him how much he meant to me.
He bought me a card and barely wrote anything in it.
His mom got me chocolate.
How long do I have to wait to feel like I'm more than just his friend?
How long do I have to wait for him to tell me I'm important?
I think he's only called me beautiful once
in this whole year
I've picked what I'm gonna do all day!
I'm playing The Legend of Zelda, A Link to the Past!
Greatttttttttt game. Really great. So I think I'll be on this and maybe some other video games today. That's really all I have planned!
Boyfriend is off in Victoria for his band trip now, and it's lonely :'( He can't text me cause of international charges and whatnot. I'm really jealous. I wanted to go D:
But yeah, I didn't get to see him yesterday or the day before cause I was sick, and I won't get to talk/see him until Tuesday. So let's hope one of us doesn't get Raptured! XP
And I stayed home from school today... So she's texting me in class!
I knew she missed me ;D
anyways, that's really the only cool thing happening right now. The Boyfriend (as well as T-rex) Is going to Victoria, Canada for our Show Band's thing. So uh, I won't be able to talk to either of them until Tuesday! Which sucks!
But yeah I think it's pretty cool she texted me cause like she was thinkin' about me :P
Gross, everytime I cough up the crap in my lungs, it tastes all bittery metally, like I'm coughing up blood. Nastay.