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I have a project : I want to make short films out of some of my journal entries. Matching visuals and my words. Maybe I'll play the piano, too, I don't know. I then want to make a Tumblr and a Youtube channel for them. We'll see. I felt the need to post this here because writing something makes it more definitive, more real. Words have been very personal and dear to me. Sometimes, sadly, my only friends. So I'm torn between attempting to share them and keeping them close.

i am afraid of you
leaving me there alone
it will be frigid outside
i will be tired from working all day

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goodnight

i do not know what to write tonight but

i know what i will say to you

it is carefully scripted yet flexible enough to fit a variety of conversation
it is playful
it is sincere
it is not heavy
it is perfect
it will make you mine

(at least, for a few brief moments)

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`

I haven't smoked in three weeks, and even though I never smoked regularly, I'm still getting some mild withdrawal. I've been wanting a cigarette so bad the entire day, sometimes even hindering my concentration at school. It's bad enough for me to be posting a journal here.

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v

"il n'est d'autre chose à tuer dans cette vie que l'ennemi intérieur, le double au noyau dur.
le dominer est un art.
à quel point sommes-nous artistes?"
(Xavier Dolan)

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baptism

I made a slideshow of the scans of my negatives, pretend it's embedded here. EDIT: fixed!

i want
short breaths;legs;limbs
shaking fingertips
freezing appendages ; annexed body parts

(rendered warm by mine)

unimportant/miniscule/diminutive
two souls, two boys
deep/drowning/infinite
a sea, a sky, a sun, a desert

(but we will be bigger than all of them)

grave mansions turned into psych wards and laboratories
(experimental/chemical)

bring me there
(i know it very well and it is a physical place)

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•needtosleep

for you I will be

Hearts racing, thighs barely touching, hugged knees

(magic fantastic)

Fingertips on the back of your neck

soft/warm

first/last

(total electric)

You will look into my eyes and I will be pure
(everything is forgiven)

though you are
disjointed
lonely/cowardly/awkward/shy
(I am always more)

symmetry:yrtemmys
(that was not creative)
do you see it in us?

though one side of the mirror
is only reflecting the other

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a fountain of blood in the shape of a boy

I got my hair cut today, it's short for the first time since I was eleven, I look like a human boy again. I'll post a picture when I have one.

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Tell me what to swallow, part II.

So what is this "love", creature, anyways?

You can argue that it's just some biological feeling created by our brains so we can reproduce. Our mind tricks us, acts as a drug, to fool us into having sex. It's simply chemical and relating to reproduction. That, or pleasure. But the fact is that it's selfish. It's cruel.

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Tell me what to swallow.

Good :
A.
I'm getting my hair cut (for the third time in 3 weeks) like Xavier Dolan, you can see a picture here. I'm growing tired of my medium-long hair, I've had it for the past... five years? I also just watched his first film (In English, I Killed My Mother), I strongly reccomend it to anyone on this website... It's the story about a 16 year old gay guy and his relationship with his mother. It's truly excellent, likely my new favorite film. Though I was frustrated because the english subtitles do not match what the characters are actually saying! I mean, I'm a francophone, I understood perfectly, but sometimes words can have a double meaning and the difference doesn't quite show through with the subtitles... Anyways, here was my favorite scene.

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september criminals

You're terribly frustrating, confusing, simple. I had forgotten about you, for the most part. I don't do well with lack of shown interest.

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it's always too much

best song forever

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Dreaming of the Osaka sun

Here was tonight's Humanities homework, for future class discussion.

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beloved.

So, this is my favorite song paired up with my favorite anime (actually, the only one I've bothered watching). It's a series I watched back when I was fourteen and it sort of laid bases for what my perspective of love was back then and still somewhat is. Love was one person helpless and one in control, it was unconditional, it was simple, it was also complicated and terribly painful. However, the show as a terrible ending, really, you're sort of left lost and you have to read the manga. As for the song, it's always been dear to me.

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Just a list of random things I want.

Because you all really want to know where my next few paychecks are going.

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