i keep hitting pinnochio
hoping to find
a real boy inside
isn't it strange how things don't really end in real life
in stories everything ends because there is no choice, there are no words and no ideas, the human mind is limited
so we create endings because we don't understand our own.
sometimes i want to come to conclusion now because i feel like there is nothing else to say, no more ideas or words come
because a story which has a finite ending will neccesarily inspire another
or live forever
half the time i'm gone and i don't even know where. i need to start making the right choices, or else.
i am brave, i am sad, i don't know.
this is the first day i have been sober for over a week now and it's hard. things used to be so easy.
i am so exhausted... i lost my voice yesterday
i've been bad and i am being punished, my body drained and my mind always empty.
always a liar. my love is bad like a rotten apple but it is all i have, even the poorest beggar is disgusted by it.
that is why camouflage is the most important. hide your wickedness, skeletons are a sorry sight.
so tired and so much to do
yesterday covered fashion week, got high with a model then to a meeting
tonight more networking and coverage of fashion week, 3 shows
plus seven courses and 20 hours of "real work" per week
i also need to promote our parties and try to find local designers and artists for a future event we're planning ASAP.. wish i could give more details but it's top secret but it will be awesome
sublime and deprived.
i am old money, i am the bathwater draining. that feeling you get when you lie in the bath and it's all gone but you and you're naked, cold, exposed.
spun. hyperaware of the discomfort truth causes... being good is unpleasant and brings boredom. fashion and fascism, facades.
.. irregardless. nothing counts before "i love you" right?
at first, i just wanted to run away. and i ran out of places to run to. now, there's nothing to run from. i belong nowhere.
i don't know how to hurt people
i don't know how to be loved
i don't know how to love
0N3 D4Y /`/`Y PI21NC3 `/`/177 (0M3.
the w0rld itself is a b4d dream.
(i want someone to fuck me and i want them to want it. i'm sick of not feeling wanted, my boyfriend has no libido and i have been so fucking horny lately.
i've been fantasizing about my cinema teacher. he's older and not attractive in any way except that he's passionate about his work and he's eloquent. he's very sort-of "sexy ugly". he wears round glasses and i like them. he's into film noir and horror films which is also attractive to me. i feel like trying to seduce him.
the stability is failing and this is the first part of my humiliation, my revenge on myself.
i'm at school, i'm hungover as shit, my mom decided she didn't want to see me last night so i sort of got kicked out, i feel ghostly, as though this fatigue is non-human. i've been plagued by these really terrible dreams that insects are eating my body while i watch, powerless.
i don't know. i finally have everything, i guess.
This is going to be an actual journal for once....
So I'm back at school three days a week, I'm aiming to get over 90 in every class... well, i don't really have a choice. I'm looking to go into a photography program at my university of choice and it's extremely competitive, so I need to put everything to my advantages. I'm asking every teacher if they will accept extra credit work.
"The proton is a subatomic particle with an electric charge of +1 elementary charge. It is found in the nucleus of each atom, along with neutrons, but is also stable by itself and has a second identity as the hydrogen ion, H+. It is composed of three fundamental particles: two up quarks and one down quark."
(with your voice there in front of me where am i to go? i don't want to leave, ta putain pour toujours)
it just felt so right to take yours...
who's the bad wolf now?
When you have relationship problems, just have sex and everything will be ok for long enough until you plan your next move. ~
Just make it seem like the other person's idea.
~tried and tested~
confined in oversleep nothing can die
hazy. the world itself is stoned and stupid.
disparity. a bad dream.
under the deep deep sea
no one can hear
the pearl in the sand
I haven't been as good lately, but who cares when the world is a ghost?)
i got a new job as a paid fashion blogger.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK THIS IS AMAZING.
I get to go to montreal fashion week in september, vip concert tickets, ect...
So pretty much i'm going to be paid to have a social life and spend 30 minutes a day writing. How fucking amazing is that?