one. I don't know what to write about today.
two. I had a good time out of town. I stayed over at my friend's and we spent the past few days together, I had missed her.
three. Right now I'm just sitting here thinking about nothing and everything. It's like I'm thinking but my mind is blank. I can't even focus on my own thoughts right now for some reason. I'd go to bed, but my parents aren't home and I don't want to go to sleep without there being anyone in the house. The idea frightens me, for some reason.
I'm in a mood to party hardcore right now.
That will have to wait two weeks, though, because :
This weekend - going out of town to stay at my friend's place
Next weekend - Hanging out with my aunt who's coming from London.
Other than that... my day was uneventful.
Nothing to say, really, I don't really know why I'm writing this.
But I downloaded tons of music today, mostly industrial and electro, really puts you in one of those fuck this let's party moods. Here are my faves out of the 100+ songs I've downloaded :
Juicy - Angelspit
Make You Sin - Angelspit
It snowed yesterday, it was disgusting. It felt as though winter was trying to make a point or something... I don't know. It was like even though the world was trying to be happy, the wet, sad and cold couldn't let go.
I guess I'm making parallels with my own life. I'm trying to be warm and sunny, but right now, all I feel inside is that coldness. My mind keeps going back to the person who damaged me initially. I keep trying to forget. But the more you try to forget something or someone, the more you think about it subconsciously.
Je suis désolé. Je ne pourrai jamais comparer à ce que tu as déjà. Mon attention te serait surement inutile et insignifiante comparée à la sienne. C'est pour cela que je t'en montre si peu. J'ai trop peur du mal que tu pourrais faire à mon cœur fragile...
Last night, I failed.
1- I got drunk. Restarting my clean-ness. Day one. Sort of lame that I only lasted two weeks.
2- I made out with that sexually confused guy, who has a girlfriend. I asked him if he still wanted to and he said yes, and he was sober. I was crawling-on-the-floor drunk, I would have never done it in another situation.
People I've never talked to in my life and talk shit about me really amuse me. This random kid I've hardly seen, let alone talked to, apparently talks about me a lot? Like, negatively, and about how gay I am? Since he's really smart, he tells all this to one of my really close friends, who tells me everything. He's even analyzed the way I walk, apparently. I'm really tempted to question him on his obsession with me, but my friend told me not to for now because it'll fuck up her prom, since she's going with him, aha.
I'm really down to look sort-of androgynous at my senior prom/grad/whatever. Like, I know I can pull off the look I'm thinking of... I'm just not sure if I'm audacious enough to do it. So basically, i'm thinking :These pants (Wait for the images at the bottom to load, the ones I want are black, not brown. For those who aren't going to click, the pants are black, skinny/slim fit, and have a detail at the front that's sort of like a pleated skirt/flap.
Disclaimer: This whole journal is about sex and masturbation. While it's not detailed and graphic, some might not want to read about it... If you're not interested, read another journal. I know for some of you this might be oversharing, but Oasis is, for me, a place where I can express myself freely. Anyways, don't click on Read More if you're not interested. If you're going to comment on how this is innapropriate or whatnot, i could care less. It's that simple. I'm just trying to bring reflexion and inner dialogue to people who are interested by sharing my own experience. That being said, I have no problem if your views are different from mine, I'd love to know people's opinion on the subject. But if you're going to comment on how this is not appropriate, get over it.
Image is a very important thing, especially in our world today. Not just physical image, but your attitude, your actions, your personality, it all contributes to others' perception. Looks are easily the most important, as it's what you get to base your first impression of someone by. The clothes they're wearing, their hairstyle, their body size, everything contributes. You need to obsess over your appearance. Sure, people can find you attractive, but deep down, you'll look in the mirror and see nothing but ugly.
I sort of started replying to some comments and journals and such but I have a lot to say so I decided to post a journal about it. It's quite long. $:
"I hate speed and ecstasy and LSD and everything the people I love have done to their lives with them."
Let's properly assign the blame here. »
Yesterday I went to hang out with a few my my friends, even though I was sick and it was raining and it took me about 1h20 minutes to get to the place I had to go. Smart, I know.
I hate speed and ecstasy and LSD and everything they've done to people I love.
Il y a quelques personnes que j'ai beaucoup de misère à oublier. Même si je ne t'ai vu que deux fois, et qu'il date de bien, bien longtemps, je pense à toi parfois. Tu as l'aire d'être un peu comme moi, d'avoir la même attitude envers la vie, les mêmes désirs et ambitions. Si jamais je te revois, je ne répéterai pas les mêmes erreurs, le même comportement si immature dont tu as déjà témoigné. J'ai changé pour le mieux. Je ne suis plus la même personne que tu as connu il y a 7 mois.
Dors, le mal est passé, il te rattrapera pas
Le souffle coupé tu n'es plus son appât
Ta peine s'est fondue au délire des autres
Qui oublieront bien vite que tu n'es plus des nôtres
- Fondu au noir by Coeur de pirate
Sleep, the evil is gone, it won't catch up to you,
Breathtaken, you're no longer his bait,
Your sorrow melted in others' delirium,
Who will soon forgot you're no longer one of us.
^^my translation skills are not the best.)
I'm going for an HIV test Saturday, and I'm scared. Le mal pourrait encore me rattraper, moi.
I've decided that I'm starting fresh in my life, and I'm going to be good to myself, and take care of myself. Be healthy, think about what's going in and out of my body. Focus on school, even, because I need to pass, and get into my program. I have a few months left, I want to do a good job. I want to succeed. And mostly, I really want to be happy.