A few current reflections, and as are all of my journals, it's long...
☠one :I have an obsession with the ☠ symbol, i don't know, okay? i like skulls. and i like free periods. WHICH I HAVE RIGHT NOW! fuckyeah. :DD
☠two : I MAY SEE MINI JUSTIN BIEBER/CHRISTOFER DREW INGLE FRIDAY. omgomgomgomgomgomgomg. I'm actually like, super happy. He didn't reply to my extra apology message, but his friend invited me to hang out with her and a few other people, so i'm guessing there's a possibility he will be there, or other cute guys. && IF he's there I will totally leave a better impression this time, promiseeeeee. Even though he lives quite a while away by public transit (think like, 2 hours), he's still fucking adorable. sfhgksjfhgasdkh. :), I think just seeing someone that cute will make me happy, I don't even want anything from him.
+ I changed my photo to some jellyfish, I'm pretty jealous of them seeing as they don't have brains or hearts. +
Just sitting here with my laptop, looking at pictures on dethjunkie & spermdump. Art is much better for my brain than english class, and I've already read To Kill a Mockingbird several times and I know it inside out. So whatever.
Just a few more hours today,
and just under three months,
and i will be done for good with this uptight catholic school.
and i cannot fucking wait for summer you have no idea.
I'm in a good mood today though. I'm not wearing any makeup for the first time in a while, and my hair's looking okay, and my skin is really good now also. If I keep up eating healthy and using the right products I'm going to look good for this weekend. I just need to detox myself. get rid of all the shit I've been consuming since last week.
i screwed up, again. it seems to be one of the few things i'm good at.
there are parties tonight that i could be attending, but instead i think i'll just stay home and take some time for myself. (by the way, we have the week off, therefore the partying...) I mean, most of my nights this week have not been spent sober so...
as for this «straight» guy who wants to kiss me, i want to so bad but i'll have to resist. there are other guys out there... who don't have girlfriends.
i mean a part of me is like, fuck it, it's just a kiss, no one cares.
but I CARE. i don't want him to ruin this relationship he's wanted for so long.
i have a dilemma.
you see, my friend, who is ... ''straight'', wants to kiss me.
and he has a girlfriend... and they just started going out together, i'm probably the reason that they even happened...
and i mean, yeah, i'm down for kissing him...
just that, i'm scared to cause drama with his girlfriend, i mean they were off and on for like AGES and it finally happened last week... and she's my friend. i'm just not down for crossing that line.
i am so happy with life in general right now. everything is just falling into place. i'm okay, i'm happy, i'm not going to complain about a single thing in this post.
i posted my last journal in some kind of bipolar down fit i've been having. i'm okay now. and by the way... i'm not actually fat. i'm actually rather skinny, but when i'm in one of those moods where nothing makes sense i tend to forget it.
that ephebophile has been staying away from me, i threatened to get him under a restraining order. looks like there won't be any need to... for now.
abhorrence is quite a lovely word. i'm sorry, brain has been making no sense lately. neither have i. i don't know, everything is fucked up. everything is wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. wrong. because of you, because of me. yeah, i said i was done with this place, but everyone needs some place where they're safe. nothing is safe for me anymore, or rather not for anyone else. i'm disgusting. every aspect of me is repulsive. an AB-HO-RREN-CE. even my body thinks so. it's committing suicide because it hates me. i have a huge black spot on my face, do you know that?
i'm quitting oasis.
i feel as though i have nothing left to say. it's always the same shit over and over that happens with me. i'll feel happy about something and i get screwed over. over and over and over again, it just doesn't fucking stop, so whatever. ranting about it doesn't help, it just reminds me of how much i just can't deal with anything like a proper person. like rereading everything... i'm just like, ok, i have issues.
someone make it stop, i can't take anything anymore.
whenever things are going right, they never really are. i just think they're going okay. i'm just fooling myself.
i just want to be in a coma...
wake me up in 2 years ?
« Quand on aime une personne et que cette personne nous aimes, on pense aussitôt que tout est trop beau, et ça l'est. Par contre, si aimer et être aimer est magnifique, le contraire lui est d'autant plus horrible. »
i wish you'd stop taking drugs, someone who can think such beautiful things shouldn't be ruining their life that way. i mean, i don't know you that well, hell, i've only seen you a couple of times. but don't you know that everyone loves you?
please don't be lonely anymore.
in the past few days i've come to realize how general homophobic comments/attitudes really hurt me. i don't have to say what those are for you guys to know what they are.
french teacher : hey, how are you ?
me : i'm good, you?
FT : you look a little preoccupied.
me : *leaves*
yeah, i don't really feel like talking to teachers about my life, so i'm just gonna sit here and listen to the designer drugs mixtape.
thursday and friday is a ski trip with school. not looking forward to it.