Such a busy month! Script Frenzy started and since Intensives happen in May this year, finals week is next week, so i haven't had much time. But here is everything:
Day of Silence:
There's this guy in Geometry, 'Adam.' He's the nicest Junior I've ever met, so, well, SWEET to everybody. He has this total bad ass look going for him and he's a brilliant soccer player. He's fairly decent looking and smiles a lot.
I ran away. I got fed up and ran away from my mother. It's as simple as that. I don't fully understand what I was so mad about, but I needed out.
"I'm leaving." I said, slamming the door, grabbing my purse before departing.
"You can't just walk out! If you're not back in an hour..." her threat trailed off after me.
I woke up today and remembered.
I remembered the simplistic clarity
of being young.
I remembered the beauty of
I remembered the anger
of the divorce.
I remembered the hatred
I felt at my family.
I remembered the sorrow
as I watched my mother sink.
I remembered the terror
when I realized she wasn't god.
I remembered the tentative excursions
when I though I was okay.
I remembered the relief
as I truly smiled again.
I remembered the deep despair
when I plunged.
I remember the suicidal thoughts
I saw you today. I begged and wheedled to come down to see you and when we got there you snubbed me. You ignored me, disregarded me, slighted me, spurned me, shunned me, gave me the cold shoulder, avoided me, evaded me, sidestepped me, dodged me, ran away from me, eluded me. Worst of all was the fact that I deserved it.
I need to tell, about me, to explain what is in my head. It makes it clearer for me when I write it, so here it is.
Fuck you. You messed up and who pay the goddamned price? Your daughter. You're not man enough to say it was all your fault. You can't admit to yourself that it would have been better to just kill us all. Not that you didn't. Every day I die a little bit more, because of you. You wrecked my life. I was in a bubble, a perfect bubble, not only did you pop the bubble, you stabbed me in the process.
I went out walking.
The air smells so fresh at night, as if the world was regenerating. I walked down the street to the old playground. The creaking swings beckoned to me as I watched them sway in the slight wind. I sat down and thought as I swung.
I thought about yesterday, about my troubles and his. I looked at us as another may have seen us, two friends taking comfort in each other's presence.
I collapsed crying shortly after we left the gate. He held me. I sobbed into his jacket, bright and new. I felt so awful, as if the world was going to end. He saved me, he saved the world. We held each other as I choked down my last sobs. The we walked, we walked aimlessly, pointlessly in the nearest direction. We held each other, my arm around his shoulders, his around my waist. We released each other only to grab hands, his grip firm on my weak and trembling hand. We stopped and set down our packages, then, linking elbows went to our sanctuary, the coffee shop.
Once upon a time there was a little girl, let's call her Nina. She was a happy little girl. She went to a nice little school, she has two friends, let's name them Ellie and Emily. Emily was a tomboy. Nina liked Emily, so she became a tomboy too. All of a sudden she wasn't so nice anymore, and she became Nola.
I'm not an adult. I don't even have a drivers license. Why am I the one who takes care of you?
You're my mom, I'm not yours. I bet I can do a better job on raising you than your mom did.
She didn't teach you to be independent. You were never independent. You always relied on Gramma, then on Dad. Well now you need to buck up. You need to take charge of your own life, do it your way. Stop searching for happiness among the slutty crackheads.
I think I'm going insane.
I can't think straight, I can't focus.
I feel like I'm watching myself in a mirror,
But my mirror self can move and I can't.
I need air, breathing space, even when I'm outside.
I'm suffocating, in my own life,
I feel like I'm falling, I reach out, but my hands pass through
the handholds that are placed convieniently next to me.
What is wrong with me?
I can't do anything. I feel that my existence is unstable
I can feel myself on the edge of nonexistence.
I realize that my stay is limited, but how limited?
I think I'm going insane.
Ballot Measure 2 passed! I am so pissed!
Measure 2 says that a teen under 16 needs parental notification before she gets an abortion.
Does anybody see that this causes more problems than it solves? What about teens who are pregnant via parental abuse? Or those whose family would throw them out if they had n abortion? Did anyone even bother thinking of them? Hello? Earth to voters!
I did it! I came out to my Dad. He was wonderful about it. He said he was proud of me and how he would always love me. Then he said that he knew, from the time I was 3. I started crying, because I was so amazingly relieved and happy and totally and completely ecstatic.
I kind of feel guilty that it was so easy, I mean I know that some of you on Oasis have it really tough. But I think I'm too happy to care too much at the moment (no offense intended).