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I'm burning down his world

I'm burning his bridges for him. He shouldn't have made himself my enemy. While he was my friend I had an obligation to take care of him, but he decided he didn't want that anymore. So I'm cutting him off, just like I warned him I would if he ever hurt my partner again. Heh. Poor idiot... I don't think he realized I didn't mean cutting him off from me, or even just the support my family gave him.

I meant from everyone.

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Good night oasis

this site is going I guess. Hm. it doesn't bother me as much as perhaps it might have years ago. this place meant a lot to me, once upon a time. i was so childish then. so perhaps thats what this place is. a place for children. a place for my so-called childhood. maybe that's why im not sad to see it go.

i used to call this place home, as much as that makes sense. a place where i was cared for. the place where i was cared for. but homes change i suppose.

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dear and distant child

Sleep O dear and distant child, sleep and hope for better things
to-morrow shall not come for years, time is death and hollow kings
yellow is the sky at night, green is she by day
sallow is the moon she lights, lost and worn away
Sleep O dear and distant child, dream of gods and Minotaur
yesterday is far away, i have dreamt of hell and gore
singing are the whales at night, howling at the sun
wailing are the strings by day, begging you to run
Sleep O dear and distant child, fear the passing day
mercy she so sorely lacks, fair though she be may

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fucking fuck this fucking shit I hate this fucking fuckery

Why the fuck can't I just fucking kill myself and get this fucking shit over with? Why the fuck can't I just let the fuck go of these fucking assholes who make my life so fucking miserable and just fucking let myself fucking DIE? That's all I fucking want, I just want to die but I can't fucking kill myself because it would fucking hurt people. I don't WANT to care about this, I don't WANT to give a shit about their feelings, I want to fucking die and end this fucking piece of shit called my life.

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Behavioral Center

Empty halls and empty heads,
empty rooms with empty beds;
all those people, all nowhere,
an ambulance once took me there.
They told me they could make me feel
better, help me know what’s real-
then took me to an empty room
with iron door and sense of doom.
they told me that I had to strip
and searched me with cold, harsh, gloved grip
I spread my legs just like they said,
despite my shame and hate and dread.
They shoved me in a crowded space
with nary a familiar face;
Fear and trembling was the rule,
but never could I lose my cool
for fear of being placed again

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Catharsis (lots of triggers if you don't like rape or violence or some shit don't read it)

I'm fucking angry. I'm fucking angry at the shit that this fucking world has decided to put me through. I'm fucking angry that I have to listen to this fucking screaming all my fucking life and it hurts and it sucks and I need it to stop but the more stressed I get the louder they are and it's not exactly like they calm my nerves is it? I'm fucking angry that some fucker decided to rape me and not just once no somebody had to do it again years later and you know what fuck you, fuck you, fuck you! I HATE YOU!

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a continuation

I climb Olympus, taking care to
watch my step for fear of Death,
I seek the pastures still to come
as freezing air does chill my breath.
I search for comfort, calm, or quiet,
wish those pastures might appear
For my knees are bent and broken,
and nightfall follows, all too near.
And as I stand here, strange and fearful,
beholding heaven at the peak,
I know that to complete my journey
still stranger pastures must I seek.

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stream of consciousness; more rape stuff. Whee.

do you think it is a place of peace that place i must retreat to when i close my eyes and think of nights of yore when i was young and foolish?
do you think i wish to sleep when all i know is darker dreams of stinking breath and bloodstained underwear?
hateful black and endless nights of dying days and frightened child i dream as
sleep oh little girl and dream for once of things unlikely, dream of flowers growing ever, dream of children singing sweetly, dream of childhood, not of fear and blood

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Why I'm tired of cis people

So I had to go out shopping this morning. Went for groceries with Yaya. And while we were at Publix I started feeling really dysphoric, and felt like I really needed to get out of there, but I knew I had to stay and help so I did for a while, because we had a fairly short list and we should be out soon and whatnot.

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Mourning a Stranger

I do not like to acknowledge my mortality. I want to live forever, and if it's at all possible in the future, I mean to do so. But I know that I will die. I know that someday I will cease to be. And I'm afraid of that. I'm so very afraid of that. I can only hope that I will be remembered. I want to be remembered. Because in the end, that is the only way to honor one who has died. And so I also wish to remember those who are already dead. I don't want to be forgotten, and I don't want the ones I love to be forgotten. So... Yes. Please remember the lost.

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Koo koo ga-joob

So. We don't mean a goddamn thing, the universe doesn't give a shit, Eris isn't paying that close attention and probably doesn't give a shit either; why should we? Lets go eat a bagel or something. Stop worrying. It'll give you ulcers. Start praying. It won't accomplish anything, but sometimes it's fun, esp. in public in a loud and hammy manner. Or a loud and manny hammer. Who gives a shit.

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A vision in white

Sweet sigils of heaven take me to my rest and I smoke and sing and I am awake for a time; sweet and gold and silent are they, and I a queen of Eden: stinging snow is falling on my skin and slowly I fall, not screaming but murmuring some soft refrain of a song long forgotten in a language never spoken- a king unveiled as queen and a poet unveiled as king: long live the gods of poetry and inspiration, the bezerkers and skalds pledge themselves to Odin both (not sleeping but waking and drinking of mead); chanting an anthem of surreal worlds visited only by the honored dead: this anthem is my song

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Nightmares and visions

Nightmares and visions inform the waking world. Children know it. A dream and a nightmare are synonymous for the child and psychonaut, images of sworling madness, the snares of hell, and the trappings of heaven and earth are all one, kings an gods and children are one. Nightmares and visions are the artist's wellspring and greatest desire. Ask a poet or artist which they desire and they will ask for a nightmare, not a dream. Sweet nothings and candy hearts are the domain of the soul nonetheless and can destroy and create an artist.

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excuses- a poem about a bad person

i burnt her
because she would not love me
i mourned her
because she would not love me
if the fire was wrong
then why did god let me do it?
if the fire was wrong
then she should have loved me
i burnt them
because they laughed at me
yes i burnt them
and now i am the laughter
if the fire was wrong
why did god let me do it?
if the fire was wrong
then they should have praised me
i razed the city
because it was in my way
i tore it to pieces
because it made me feel whole
and if the killing was wrong
why did god let me do it?
if the killing was wrong

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more light (science fiction maybe? you tell me)

and god looked upon the world as it was and said 'more light'

'more light for those who cannot see past their own noses'
'more light for those who have aught but the dark'
'more light for those who are afraid'
'more light for those who are ignorant'

and god looked upon the world as it could be and saw that it was good

and god saw the people who could not look beyond themselves
and god saw those who had aught but the dark
and god saw those who were afraid
and god saw those who were ignorant

and god flayed their flesh from their bones and their bones into dust were burned

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