"They try in vain our minds to chain" - Chumbawamba
I'm feeling interesting, especially since I'm feeling. I've felt numb recently and now I don't. It's nice. I cried yesterday for the first time in months. It was only for a few seconds, but it felt very good to be able to let that out.
Now to the topic of why I cried and the topic of this journal. Doubt.
For some reason, everything feels so clear right now. I feel like I can see through everything and into the very essence of reality. And I can't describe it- it's a feeling of such intense spiritual joy. I wish I were with someone right now. I wish I could share this feeling. I feel so intensely lonely, because I know this clarity won't last forever, and I want to be able to be this happy around someone else, I want to share my joy. Ah, well. I'm content. I feel like I could close my eyes and sleep for eternity and feel the waves of emotion swirl around me.
And no, I'm not high.
Bananafish are curious creatures. They swim into banana holes, and look quite normal at that point. Then, tragically, they eat so many bananas that they get incredibly fat, and can't leave the hole, subsequently dying of banana fever.
Lately I've been thinking a lot about why I have so much trouble and pain in my life, and I realized- it's because of my own thoughts. It's my own fault that I haven't let myself heal. I'm so afraid of falling that I don't try to stand up, instead simply wallowing in the mud. I'm making a conscious decision to try and help myself. It's about time.
I am not a social animal. Starting half a year ago, I have begun to withdraw into myself, to a position where I observe events primarily from a cold, detached perspective. I have lived in a way that I am, in a way, 'not there'. This has shaped my interactions lately. And yet, an exception has come up.
I find myself attracted to a wonderful girl. A beautiful girl. We shall call her Y. I am, I suppose, smitten.
I would like to move to Norway. I am learning Norwegian and I am going to college up North so as to learn to enjoy the cold. Norway is a lovely place with the highest standard of living in the world... Of course, it's a bit difficult to get into. I plan on doing my best, however. A beautiful country with a society that tends to go outside and appreciate natural beauty? Sounds wonderful. So unlike that which I am familiar with. Plus, it's in one of the most lovely parts of Europe. I hope I get to see a stave church. Those are quite lovely.
Anyways, those are my thoughts for now.
Perhaps mental illness is not always a bad thing. Autism, for example, while not exactly an illness, can lead to a very productive life that changes the world around them due to the significantly different view of the world.
And a question: What is your idea of being at peace with yourself? I mean specifically, what would you think would bring peace to your self.
Sorry about the not-being-here-for-an-age. I had important business of importance to attend to. I hope everyone's well. :)
I always feel like an outsider looking in. I'm always in my world looking at myself interact with your world. I like it that way. But people always try to pull me into the 'real' world. Try to make me part of their world.
Have they ever considered that maybe I don't want to be a part of your world?
I have some desire to connect with humanity. I don't consider myself a part of you, however. I am human, yes, of course. But I don't belong with the rest of you. I am apart. I am different.
I'm back. For those of you who remember, I'm TopHat. And no, it is not toe-fat. Top-hat.
I'm back, at least for a little while. Whether or not I stay is questionable.
I'm here to be a supportive friend to anyone that needs help. I'm probably not going to post many journals because I just don't want to.
So. For those of you who don't remember me, hi. I hope to be good friends with you.
For those who do remember me, hi. I hope we can be good friends, too.
It doth bloom!!
OMG I have a TOTAL crush on this AMAZING boy named Jeremy!
He's so cuuuuute!
And gaaaay! YUSSS
The hills are aliiiiive, with the sound of muuuuusiiiiiic!
ANd yes, I'm back. XD
Ok, turns out I'm taking my bow.
I am unwelcome, I am unwanted. Sweet dreams.
If you'd like to speak with me again, PM me. I'll be checking back eventually and give you a way to contact me.
Thank you all.
And with that I exit- stage right.
my name is Herman.
i'm a bi guy in Iowa. i've been out to my family for a year and they're really awesome about it, i'll tell yall about it later.
so like, hi. XDDD