ugh... SENIOR RESEARCH PROJECT SUCKS! and i can't figure out my physics homework. in other news i'm going to sign up for a video game tournament (i'm addicted to this "new" pc game) and a few of my friends will join me. if only life were simpler and not so unnecessarily complicated. i just think if life were less complex we would all be significantly happier, if only, if only.
so yeah i'm a bit under the weather. speaking of weather it's nice and cool outside which is always welcome in the lone star state. i have some Paco de Lucia on to try and see if music works as a healer (see, Kircher: "Antidotum Taratulae"). it feels weird afterall this is my first sick day of senior year. i wonder how my friends are enjoying being in school with nothing to do today since the freshmen are testing. oh well, i'm just trying to stay alive, and so far it's working.
it's times like these when i want i could go back. back to when i was junior. the whole world was my oyster and me and "T" were at the top of the world, nothing could stop the two best friends. i was passing all my classes, Beck's early folk tunes tape i compiled was the soundtrack for the whole year. i want to go back when things were just a little simpler. i thought i was unstoppable, an example of "if i can do it you can too". only now do i see many more flaws and my youthful thinking disappearing into the mystique of adulthood.
my grandfather has taken a sudden turn for the worse. it's times like these i wish i had spent more time with him (and learned spanish to better communicate with him). :(
i wish i had friends who were really friends. the friends i would see even after school was over, the friends that wouldn't mind seeing all my sides. maybe a friend or two who shared interests in music and playing music. if only, there were people i could "hang out" with who would be proud to have me as a friend. sure there is always college to make new friends, but that would be different, it's always different, i'm just too different. it's odd, or maybe i'm odd, that there are no people who could relate to me or tolerate me. there must be something wrong with me, maybe.
i wish i could wear clothing of the opposite sex. i could make it work. i just like gender-bending. is that weird? oh well. it's not a fetish thing, i guess it's a werid shot at being attractive and having some new positive self image. i saw a skirt and thought "i wonder, what it would be like to wear a skirt?".
can't stop listening to the DOS Techno Virus. uh signing up for the sat's, ends in two weeks. so i have some luck there, finally got around to cleaning my old notebook, did the typed report, and just watched Charlie Schmidt's "Keyboard Cat". now i have sometime to myself. :)
so i'm learning to play Minuet in G Major by: Johann Sebastian Bach. and also learning Minuet in A minor by Henry Purcell. i have not been reading my bible recently, i don't feel bad however i am obligated. i've had to many things to do recently, mainly STUPID ENGLISH 4. anyway back to the bible, i just don't want to forget where i left off. OHH! i just remembered i have a chesse danish behind my notebook (computer)! well i better get back to music theory homework. i still have yet to find time to sign up for the sat's. oh well i can work it out. :)
oh how i wish i could know what my meaning is here on this earth. not to sound preacher-ish but i know that there is a reason (don't ask), i just haven't figured out what my purpose is. surely if i am self aware (that i am) i would have figured it out by now, or maybe because i'm "slow" or something. i just would like to know so i don't screw up the opportunity. of course asking wouldn't be wise after all i do suppose that that's why we live life so we can find out what it is that drives us.
i'll just cut to the chase here. so i was getting my schedule changed, no big deal. i go into the classroom to get a signature and suddenly i'm overtaken by this beautiful guy, he says he's my cousin (never seen him before in my life). so i get the slip signed and the guy (who i will call "N") hugged me in an almost more than friendly way (all sorts of thoughts and feelings start to build). i really hoped he was kidding about the cousin thing because i have no recollection of ever seeing "N" at a family reunion or anything.
i didn't turn in my cap and gown packet. now we have to try the store halfway across the city or turn it in on thursday (of next week). my mom was really disappointed, but how was i supposed to know? people(teachers mostly) gave me different dates for the deadline. so this happened but it's not the end of the world, hopefully.
anyway... i had the chance to engage in a favorite activity, saw three fights at school, played some guitar (like always), and just rotted on the net. around lunch time at school i felt so (randomness ensues now) contented and happy. i was reading a bit of the bible under the big tree and eating a few cherry snacks in the spare time i had after lunch. i just felt so good. i feel good now too. but last night was very odd.
so anyway i've got to do some stuff, get cap and gown, senior ring, sign up for act(s) and sat(s), and apply to some colleges. and only now do i realize how it's so weird that i've never known love. for some reason i see myself in the future doing great... but i've no one to share my life with. i just think i'll meet some guy who only wants my body in some club i hardly ever go to. then ultimatley end up getting, murdered, raped, robbed, beat up, and shit like that. i find so odd that some people can find love, it's so taboo for me.
well i think it's going to suck, but academically of course, well at least i'll get to see my friends and just observe the student body. i wish i was better in math, i just feel like such a failure in math, oh well. i wish i could be better academically, i'm failing two courses i think. i guess i just have to stick it out.
today was nice. well i went with my dad to get some record albums and a hardcover Bible. i feel a little off, as if i forgot to do something, but not.