i still feel like i've failed by lamenting over my petty offences. i still feel like i've failed God.
so many say so many nice things to me. and i hate myself because these complements are lies. i've hurt no one, i haven't hurt myself. i guess i'll focus on mentally torturing myself. i feel my whole life is a lie, i want to go to hell. i want to go to a place where i can feel every kind of pain for all of eternity. i don't know what to do with myself. i've probably betrayed God by now. there is no redemption for me, i only deserve pain and anguish so i can pay for being less than what was expected of me.
ok i don't know what the hell i've done. but don't hate yourselves i'm asking you to hate me.
i just don't know. do i undervalue myself? am i really worthy of a complement? sure i try to be nice, i try to be humble. but those who do good are never positivley rewarded, yes? maybe i'm going about it all wrong? there are so many questions.
i've been helpful today, it's odd. usually i'm the one in need of help. religious meeting was held today, even though no one but a few people showed since there was no "advisor there" (lolled at that one). i figured this morning that i should write a sermon or church like piece for preaching, since i could now take advantage of this kind of situation.
my classical guitar turned another year. although how old it really is i don't know. so i will start at one year old. i love it to pieces and it's one of the instruments i'm more skilled in. i think i might be able to attempt sight reading from notation instead of tablature soon. i have learned "Kemp's Jig" and it's becoming more easier to play, given the insane changes in fretting and speed it's played at, although not difficult it's a step up to what i've previously played.
one of my crushes was in the room today, i wanted to talk. he came over to me and asked me a few pety things and left. although i hardly said anything, and gave him no reason to stay. i took a glance at him awhile later, he saw me and i turned away embarrassed. i can't remember if he said he ever had a boyfriend. i know i'm not ready for the responsibilities of love. i don't even know why i have a yearning to be more than a friend with someone. it's times like these when i wish i was asexual.
just doing nothing today. i'm still upset that i can't watch "The Best Fails of 2010" produced by Twisted Nederland. for the last time, HEY THATVIDEOSITE.COM READ THE NEGATIVE COMMENTS ABOUT HOW THE VIDEO STOPS AT 2:35. i don't want to join youtube.com just to watch one video ("best fails") because it's "offensive". when the hell does the "youtube community" get to decide what i watch? if they haven't noticed there is more messed up shit on youtube than people falling off a roof or going down hills in shopping baskets.
lol! just realized i deserve that title, a spontaneous thought of course. i finally crossed into Leviticus, and to be honest i am getting a little tired of reading how tables are set and how offerings should be made, it's not that i'm bashing on it or anything, it's very hard to concentrate with so much redundancy.
oh well. so today in the bible study class we had a speaker from a church from the more fortunate part of the city. he spoke of hardship and how we can overcome them, how we should all be kind to one another. he preached of tolerance, and acceptance. i honestly wish there were more preachers like him. i've offically been introduced into the The General Epistle of James, it's very relevant as of now.
i've just looked through some of the vacation photos and video documents. i just really love the the desert areas, rolling plains, the vast expanses of forest that i saw. many photos, many video documents. if only i could do it all over again, with the exception of the "First day" failure. if only, if only.
i realize that oasis is getting more attention these days, it's really great. now i see there are alot more users on here, and just like in the "Oasis celebrates it's 15th year!" article the part about this place becoming a "full-blown social network" i think it's going to happen. little by little, new user by new user. i love this place and those who keep it going.
ok go to youtube and go to whatever video link, or your favorite, does not matter. pause the video at 0:00 and hold down the left arrow key then while holding the left arrow key down hit the up arrow key and you will have a pleasent surprise. please send comments if this works.
i want to go on a pilgramige to Jerusalem. i've been feeling inclined to see The Holy Lands. and it might make a good vaction spot... if there wasn't a situation going on there.
i can't stop listening to the "I know a girl" single by: All About Chad. it's so cute, the whole single just has three songs; 1. I know a girl, 2. You're too popular, 3. You are the woman. the one little record from 1995 has stood the test of time and ended up in my collection of music.
i had a relaxing day. i just decided to hang out at the house all day, doing some research (theology mainly), i can just go on about how i did nothing and relaxed all day, but i'd really rather not.
it's funny the amount of time i could waste on my Android phone. it's really ridculous but it has to be one of the best invetions ever (for me, in my honest opinion). a phone that's a music player, video viewer, camera, video camera, internet capable device, and fun device. it's so neat.