i strongly dislike my feelings.
if i may be blunt, i will write this.
God damnit to the deepest depths of Hell, the holidays are so fucking overrated, they make me want to smoke crack (beck reference).
"who are you spending christmas with?" - person 1
"with my parent" - me (yes one parent)
it's total bullshit. i could never have two parents, i could never have a biological mother and father, i could never be muscular let alone talented. i am simply worthless, i don't even cry or feel bad writing any of this. that is truly morbid. more shit to write.
"you have talent for playing guitar" - person 2
well, i'm pretty taxed tonight. no homework so that's a win in of itself. i asked myself a question today, why is it that older people complement my guitar playing yet others of my age show absolutly no interest in what i play? of course i guess it is a great repellent for people my age. after all nothing repels more than early baroque lute transcriptions for guitar! i had a thought today also (though there are always many) that i should cut my hair, so i could look like a much younger Neil Diamond.
(early christmas present) Motorola DEFY! OMG! ANDROID! IT'S SO AWESOME! today i used it to watch Beavis and Butthead (via youtube) after lunch (no friends in that lunch period, it's a big school). i also put much Baroque Lute music into it, yay! after school i just hung around and played some Gogol Bordello. i was just knocking off today. surprisingly enough i started seeing more of the older phones like my old Motorola RAZR. i used to see nothing but Smart Phones but now i only see more of the older phones, such as my already well dated Motorola RAZR.
i got $100.00 (all i could get) for my Fender (fretless) Jazz Bass at a pawn shop. :) i hardly ever played it as often as i used to plus i never had a special attachment to it so it was easy. i think someone will come along and buy it and treat it well.
i get my math homework! yay! also i posted up some more of the "LGBT Students' Bill of Rights" posters and most of them stayed up throughout the day! well i have to get back to math homework!
sometimes it feels as if i'm outside of the world, only looking at it through a window. why is it that i have to lead a life with a future of superficial gain only to impress people whom i care the least about and could easily say the same for me. i actually had a thought of running away, to wyoming and start a life there with nothing more than my folk guitar, harmonicas, whatever money i have, a bag full of my most cherrished possesions. i want to be free, as badly as a bird would love to fly from it's cage.
i remembered that a few months ago one of my favorite musicians put up on his journal that there was a room for rent in his place... in Maine. OMG! i would've totally moved there if it weren't for everything of course. but i have more things to do like; growing up some more, college, job based here after college (connections yay! [possibly sarcastic]). but i wish i could've at least met him. he is just my prince charming (if i'm using that correctly). alas i have more endeavors to fulfill, as stated before.
i cry because of this world.
i cry because there is so much hate.
i cry because there is no end to peoples suffering.
lots of people, mainly teachers around my school seem to think i have talent for playing Classical Guitar. although not to say they are wrong or anything, i am just a novice. i only read numeric tablature, i still fail to comprehend notation. i absolutley hate it when anyone my age says i'm good at guitar and that they could never be good at Guitar. if they learned the instrument they could easily outdo me. guitar does not require much talent, it really requires practice, and a will to learn.
i don't exactly remember why i wanted to leave, maybe it was stress, maybe it was wondering i meant anything to anyone else. here's the kicker, sometimes depression isn't a good thing to keep feeding. my self percieved inadequacies, faults, and many other self defeating things might have done it. i want to say i'm sorry but i don't know if my apology will be heard or if any of you will want to hear it. what i'm asking is will all of you who i had the nerve to push away accept me back. will i be ignored? will i be accepted?
Confitémini Dómino, quóniam bonus: quóniam in sæculum misericórdia ejus.
Glória Patri, et Fílio, et Spirítui Sancto.
Sicut erat in princípio, et nunc, et semper, et in sæcula sæculórum.
BENEDICAT vos omnípotens Deus, Pater, † et Fílius, et Spíritus
just maybe, i'll dream of oscar tonight. i hope that i may dream of him.