Hey you guys:
I've been away from this site for a long time. I'm not sure why; it was like a godsend when I found it this summer.
Right now, though, I'm having trouble with figuring out who I am, less in terms of identities and more in terms of the essence of me, of who I am most comfortable with. I'm really not comfortable with the me that lives in this journal.
So I've decided to form a new account. This one will most likely not be used anymore. The journal reflects too much of me not being entirely truthful, randomly venting, and being overly sure of who I am. I don't want that.
I'm a bit wiped out because the kitchen sink is leaking and I had to clean it out (we store cleaning supplies under the sink) and there was A LOT of water and then i had to do the dishes from dinner.
Also, I feel lonely. Isolated, I guess. this is because I live in my head a lot of the time, but that makes it so sometimes I feel like I'm trapped and I could scream and scream and scream and no one would hear me, no one would listen. This is why I hug people so much, when someone is holding me I feel safe, protected, and less alone.
Prepare for near-future angst. I'm giving advance notice this time because that'll make it easier for everyone....
My gendernuetralfriend is going to the southwest for 10 weeks (I miss en like crazy when we haven't seen each other in 10 days) and we'll only be able to communicate by letter. This wouldn't be so bad except that there are no mailboxes around where I live so I'd have to ask my mother to take me to the post office which would lead to the question "Why are you writing Wren?" which wouldn't be the worst to answer but could still be unpleasant.
I feel sort of dead right now but that's most likely just the layover...8 hour time change between here and where I spent break (London) and I have a sinus thing going on that's driving me insane.
I'm horribly stressed because finals are next week.
I...I keep feeling trapped. Caught in stasis between what's happening in my life and what my parents think is happening; between needing space and needing other people.
The world around me
follows rules, patterns.
But human life does not.
The world around me is fair
life is not fair. For anyone.
It is not fair that I live in the wondrous place I do
with parents who aren’t always excellent but try
when halfway across the world
a girl my age no doubt lives without parents
raising her siblings
not able to be herself without justified fear of physical harm.
That isn’t fair.
And it’s not fair that my friend’s coming-of-age rite
was prepared for all her life, a simple ceremony
calm, beautiful, finite
First--Happy note: For valentine's day I gave Wren all the wren-themed poetry I'd written. It went well. :D
Now, to the point.
I had a good day. Really great conversations with both my director/acting teacher and Wren's older brother. We talked about God. It was good. We also talked about how theater family dynamics would make for a soap opera. Family dynamics: We determined that Hannah is my cast mother, Tommy my father, Wren's brother my crazy uncle.
All right, so I realize that my timing may not be the best, but I need to get this out or I'll go even more insane.
For the first nine years of my life I believed in God and Christianity without thought and unequivocally. I didn't always believe or agree with my pastor but I really did believe.
Hello everyone! It's been awhile...
Issue with new crush and Wren worked itself out because I stopped crushing on new crush. Problem solved.
My parents may have finally figured out about my panic attacks, which is good...
I have a horrible sinus infection right now...hurts to think....
So, how are all of you doing?
Tad bit of an issue that I'm trying really hard to not have exist.
I've developed a mad crush but I really don't want to break up with Wren. I love Wren, I really do, and that's not me using the term lightly. Perhaps much of that love is platonic, but it's still love.
So, part one: The crush.
The play's over.
Midsummer opens soon (play I'm in) so I won't be sleeping or on the internet much for the next week.
My costume gives me panic attacks. Probably the corset (can't breathe+not the right shape) in conjunction with the pink and sparkles. My character gives me panic attacks too cause I'm bad at it. I'm supposed to be bitchier and happier and WAY more self-confident than I feel.
I'm looking forward to it, though. Funny how that works.
I have become invisible
people see me only when I see them
only when I want to be seen
never when I need to be seen
The entire world is ignoring me
believing me when I say I’m fine
not once second-guessing
I should be happy they trust me
but I’m lying.
What do they expect me to say?
I can’t tell them what’s wrong cause I don’t know
And when I’ve told them I don’t know
that’s when they don’t believe me.
They are all so worried about me already
I cannot go anywhere without “You okay?”
because of yesterday when I lost it front of them.
I look at my arm and it’s all I see
so I wonder how
in my short sleeves
it’s been three months
and no one sees it.
Sometimes I am glad
it’s shameful, it is.
A mark of broken
proof that I’ve actually lost it
not crazy in the good way, crazy in the scary
But mostly I am confused
I have tried so long not to be invisible anymore
have I failed in this too?
I am lost.
No one sees me and yet I see myself
no one hears me and yet I cry
no one knows my pain and yet it is there, it is real
All my life they’ve warned me
not to dig myself into holes
Hmmm. Well. Today we have the funny, the freaked out and the wonderful. Where to begin....
Freaked out: Really bad, completely unwarranted panic attacks tonight. I bit myself, didn't think about it, just happened. It made it so that my math homework is probably incorrect and incomplete, I just can't think around attacks like that. I need to fix this before something REALLY bad occurs.