There's really not a whole lot to report. It was harrowing, of course, and I kept not taking opportunities to start the talk, and I undoubtedly would have chickened out if my girlfriend hadn't been there keeping me strong.
It was a big milestone for me and my family, and she didn't really belong there because of that, but I needed her there for strength. She didn't say anything, except when I asked her to help me explain things. Just held my hand for encouragement.
So it's looking like this weekend, probably Saturday, maybe Sunday, I'm finally going to sit my parents down and have a serious talk about me and gender and transitioning and stuff.
Points to hit:
I'm not Kaitlyn's girlfriend. I'm her boyfriend.
I know you know some of this - the name thing, the hair, the clothes, et cetera - but I've been living more and more as a boy for the past couple of years now. I don't know if you know that I've only used a women's bathroom maybe two or three times in the past two and a half years.
I were but little happy if I could say how much.
Meaning, reason I've been away is that life's been good!
Yesterday was our big date. "Texting and scones," and all. A picnic in the Arboretum. With scones.
Also with lots of snogging.
of fantastic snogging.
As she would say - it's cute how words fail her so often even though she's an English major - "So, that's a thing."
'Perpetually single' has been a major part of who I am for so long - in a way this feels kind of unreal... but not really. Maybe that she's not real but I'm not either and we both inhabit almost the same plane of not-reality? I don't know...
Hmm yeah so I was just getting ready to make a whiny scary journal entry about gendershit and this girl I met and how gendershit gets in the way of stuff
she just asked me out
and yeah words are not doing well with me right now so 'bye. Back elsetime with more stuff yeah.
She's crossed a line with this housing thing, and now I'm just kind of mad at her, and looking back and seeing all the crap I've put up with from this girl.
Aside from just all her usual crazy overwhelming Mikiness - which, even that, I was the only person who could tolerate her most of the time until the boyfriend came along.
She said she doesn't want to live with me next year.
Actually, she said that her mother and her psych people have recommended that she either live by herself or with the boyfriend, because that's "a more stable relationship."
Just updates, I guess...
I don't have time on Tuesday, but I'll do it anyway
I'll visit, and take one long look at you
and take in your face
and indulge in sin just for a moment
before giving you up.
I'll be back.
You need me to come back, so I'll come back.
I'll come back well in time for us and Rubisco and life.
And maybe by then I'll have found myself a life.
Because I need a life that isn't you
Because you have a life that isn't me
"Isn't that against your religion?"
"Yeah, well, you know that thing, that we do,
That's against my religion too.
Yeah so this morning I went on a date... Not my first date, but the first one I've known at the time to be a date... so that's something. It was okay. Zero chemistry, but we got along well enough - conversation with some awkward silences that I did my best to turn into non-awkward silences. He's awkward, and I'm not much better, but we did all right, although it didn't feel much like a date 'cause of the utter lack of chemistry.
Another journal entry for me... Actually I'm surprised I haven't done one recently, so much Oasis-worthy has been going on. Probably just 'cause I had the brilliant idea to write journalsy things mirrorwise in my paper book, makes it difficult for anyone to read. But I haven't even done a paper journal in a few days...
Where to start, what to tell...
Miki just told me that she and this guy have decided to be a couple. No surprise there. And I know it's fully within her rights to have a boyfriend - but that doesn't mean I'm happy about it.
Maybe it's 'cause I'm just afraid it will change things between her and me. She's been promising it won't, wouldn't, won't, but it will. Time, if nothing else. And I find it hard to believe that any boyfriend would really be okay with the way we are, or that we would keep acting that way with a boyfriend in the picture.
This is the first Thanksgiving I can remember that my family hasn't sent an "I'm thankful for...." around the table, putting pressure on each person in turn to give thanks. I used to be annoying about it and shout "FOOD!" or get all annoyed and mumble something. Later I said true but cliche things like "family" and "friends." Well, this is one of those true-but-cliche times. Major cliche alert.
Looks like Miki and I have actually made it through that awkward stage of a friendship where the friends start to wonder about what kind of love their love is anyway. That's all it was.
My previous best friend and I went through that phase too, but we never made it through it and we never told each other until it was too late and we were already not even friends anymore. I expect a lot of good friendships go through that phase.
Somehow I keep coming back to Oasis. Said I was leaving, don't even think about it for days or weeks at a time, but once in a while, I just come back, read a few journals, leave a comment or two... It's nice. I like it here.
I have a paper journal, but sometimes people see it. There's already stuff in there that I wouldn't want people to read - but it's in alongside all my doodles and drawings and lists of things-to-do, and sometimes I show people the drawings and the book loses privacy.