Somehow I keep coming back to Oasis. Said I was leaving, don't even think about it for days or weeks at a time, but once in a while, I just come back, read a few journals, leave a comment or two... It's nice. I like it here.
I have a paper journal, but sometimes people see it. There's already stuff in there that I wouldn't want people to read - but it's in alongside all my doodles and drawings and lists of things-to-do, and sometimes I show people the drawings and the book loses privacy.
I just want to hold you and never let go.
I want to be the shoulder you cry on when you need it.
I want to be there to keep you sane when you lose it.
I want your sleepy face and your messy hair to be the first thing I see when I wake up in the morning.
I want to laugh with you and skip with you and wear silly hats with you and gaze up at the stars with you.
Yes, I want to kiss you again.
We're just going to stay the way we were before.
At least, as close as we can to the way we were before. I hope it's exactly like we were before. Hope things haven't gotten awkward, or at least won't stay awkward. We both really, really hope that.
Everything we said last night was true. It just doesn't lead in the same direction by day as it does at one in the morning when she hasn't had her pill. Still not sure if it was the midnight weirdness or the not-taking-the-meds or what. Somehow that doesn't seem to make it less real.
Where even to start. Yesterday evening I think.
Oh, and - Using people's real names. 'Cause the codenames I gave them the day I met them aren't really necessary and they don't fit and I don't even care if they find this, really.
And now we're still trying to figure out our relationship status.
Details tomorrow because I am still very shaken and also it is half-past one-in-the-morning and I need to go to bed.
Well, apparently today, or yesterday, or last night or some time marks two years since I joined Oasis. I probably won't be sticking around here much anymore (unless something interesting happens, in which case I will definitely come back!), because I just don't need it - I'm happy; don't need the support community anymore - and don't feel like I'm contributing or helping anyone else here anymore either.
I know you'll never read this message - it would be a lot different if you would - but hi anyway.
It's been four years now, since we met. Since I saw you and lost my heart to you from across the room. Since you thought I looked like I needed a friend, and introduced yourself to me after class, unwittingly sealing my fall. Since I was a confused and awkward kid and you were an angel.
So I went on vacation for two weeks... felt like longer. To Oregon, Northern California, thereabouts. It was a good vacation, but I guess I don't really need to detail it here. So... I don't know what I'm writing here, just writing. I do have things to say, maybe...
Check it out!
It's just a local thing - one very beautiful person at my school made this documentary about coming out and being out here. It's kind of long, and I don't think I represent myself very well in it (the best things I had to say, I didn't say because of the warning that 'This will be on YouTube, so there is a chance your family might see it'), but here it is...
At dinner this evening the conversation somehow turned to my brother being a teenager and such (he's fourteen), and "Before long you're going to start dating!" Which led me to laugh, "Wonder who's going to start dating first, you or me?" Which led to Mom saying something like "Yeah, all of a sudden MacAvity's going to have a driver's license, and a boyfriend..."
And I didn't say anything about it until maybe half an hour later.
"So, I was actually thinking this a couple of days ago, completely regardless of Father's Day, bu, for whatever reason, I didn't say anything, and so now seemed like an appropriate time.
It was when you heard about Sage, and you choked up and teared up and sobbed a little. I thought then, This is a man who can cry. This is a man who knows how to weep, and I admire that.
I admire that a lot.
Nothing majorly Oasis-worthy... just life stuff. Totally disjointed, a bit mood-whiplashing, life stuff.
The past few days, I've been making a Roman army costume for no real reason. It's pretty awesome.
Everything's getting all end-of-the-year emotional, as is only to be expected. Bit of stress 'cause of finals, bit of excitement 'cause of good future things, more than a bit of sad 'cause of leaving good past things. Yesterday Leah and I bought packing tape and started packing our boxes. I sent home R2 and the two boxes I brought on move-in day, just as full but with different stuff - then it was the bare necessities, now an equal volume of who-even-knows-what-all, unnecessary stuff, and it's just the bare necessities left in the room.
I can't believe the year's almost over and Leah and I only have one week left as roommates. Waaaahhh.....
But we'll visit each other all the time next year and have sleepovers and stuff. Next year will be great. And I'll have Regi. Everything will be fantastic.
But wow, only one week left......