Since June I've been feeling like I've lost my gravity. Not seriousness gravity, more the kind of gravity that keeps planets in orbit. I'm a planet. I'm not a sun. I need someone to orbit. I'm swayed by the gravity of others. Metaphor. Metaphor.
For a long time I orbited around Leigh. I felt right there, comfortable, knowing that - whatever 'that' might be...I think I knew when I started the sentence, but I forgot. Anyway, I gravitated to him. It was stable. It was all good.
Saturday was your birthday. I thought of you. I wondered how you were celebrating. I wondered where you were, what you looked like, whom you were with. I wondered whether you remembered me on my birthday. I wondered when was the last time you thought of me.
I don't know why I'm giving you another chance. I don't even know whether I really am. You have failed. This time, it wasn't me. This time, it was you.
I know I usually take responsibility, even if the fault was not all mine. But this time I know that if I do that, it will become a vicious spiral: everything of me will be compromised away to please you, to keep us together, until all that remains is...what? Nothing worth keeping.
Leigh and I pretty much broke up this morning.
Then some girls found me crying (and him acting perfectly normal) and managed to get us back together for another try at being friends.
So, it's Homecoming Week. About which I care nothing. And every day has a theme. About which I care nothing. But today was Poser Day: Dress Up Like Someone You're Not. And really, I cared nothing. But I took the excuse to engage in 'unhealthy behavior,' as I considered it at the time. For me, 'unhealthy behavior' is not drugs, or sex, or staying up all night or standing unprotected in the rain to let my cottony clothes drench through and weaken my immune system or eating vast quantities of potato chips. These are things that do not even tempt me.
I'm at school. I don't remember exactly where. Somewhere outside, I think, and downstairs. Maybe over near the math building and the art department. Blue is talking to me. Blue is a hot chick - I don't usually think of people in terms of hotness, nor do I generally think of girls as chicks, but Blue is. She's very small, childlike, almost, but her bright red lipstick and heavy blue eyeshadow clearly say that she is no child. Her face, aside from the aforementioned lipstick and eyeshadow, is a mass of freckles pierced by a pair of truly amazing blue eyes. Hence the name.
I couldn't think of a satisfactory title to suit the real purpose of this entry, so I'm throwing in this thing about a pocket Bible as well, because that made a nice title. I found a pocket Bible the other day, with a green plastic cover and bearing the information 'THE GIDEONS INTERNATIONAL' and 'THIS BOOK NOT TO BE SOLD,' on a Dumpster. So I took it. Nobody leaves things on a Dumpster if he wants to keep them anymore. Although, usually if he doesn't want them, he puts them in the Dumpster. Maybe it just seemed wrong to put a Bible in a Dumpster, I don't know.
These various entries are combined into one because a prolonged lack of electricity prevented me from finishing or submitting any of them until just now. Had the electricity remained, probably only two would have ended up being written, because I try not to post more than one entry a day, in the hopes that the site won't be clogged up too badly with all my random thoughts and feelings. Also I think I'm going to start putting tags on my journals, which I haven't done before. This one takes an unfortunately large number of tags, I'm afraid.
This is a blank so I can go back and write something here if I don't want it showing up on Recent for whatever reason.
Okay, yes. I have found something I want to put here. This is from a paper journal that has been sitting in my closet for over two years. It was written before I found Oasis, in the days leading up to Grey's graduation. I am ashamed of what I wrote then, but for purposes of documentation I will transcribe it here and then destroy the original.
This is my fantasy:
Global warming, or climate change, or what call you it, is the best. We're having our second thunderstorm of the year here, and it's only October. Muahahaha! MuahaHaahahaha....
For some reason I find weekends oddly depressing now. Maybe it's just all the time I have with no excuse to hide in my little nerd-cave being unsociable. Homework is the usual excuse, but I can't ever pretend I have a whole weekend's worth of it.
I need to work on not giving off such strong messages of 'don't touch me.' The only touching I get, from anyone, ever, is arm's-length hugs. You know, the ones in which two people each put a hand on the other's back and then sort of bump shoulders. And I only even get those from two or three people.
That girl I noticed so strongly last week, I'll codename her Sunny, gave me the most dazzling smile today. She really needs to stop doing that, or I'll definitely develop a crush on her, if I haven't done so already. This dazzling smile came just as I was leaving school, so I was left with the whole two-mile walk home just to think about Sunny and her smile and all the other girls and women whose smiles I have liked. In chronological order:
I think the hideous uncertainty is over, and things are definitely on their way back to normal between me and my friend Leigh. He really has been very busy, he has also been unsure of what I want from him, and maybe some other factors came into play as well, but some sort of unspoken compromise has been reached and at least we're not going to fall apart.
(Just now, during dinner. Sentences in italics but not parentheses represent my unspoken thoughts)
Mom: You seem especially down today.
Mom: You do, though.
Me: I feel no more down than usual. Really, I don't. Although I can see that I've been acting that way. Maybe it's just a weekend thing.
Mom: It seems like more. You are usually down?
Me: A little bit.
Mom: Usually a little bit down... Why is that?