I think there's a transboy in my third-period class. I'm eighty to ninety percent sure. I mean, I don't think this is just me seeing queers everywhere. He doesn't just dress like a boy (even down to the boxer shorts sticking out of those awkward low-riding pants that boys so inexplicably like to wear) - he sounds like one, and walks like one. And he can't be a cisboy, as he's got breasts.
My nerd-cave is being remodelled. So I had to move out of it today. When I move back in, it will still be a nerd-cave, but not the one I've had since I was about eight years old. And in the interim, I'm staying in a room that bears no resemblance to a nerd-cave. The walls are white, the ceiling light is bright, it has a sliding-glass door to the outside letting in lots of sunlight, and it doesn't have a door in the inside doorway just yet. Everything is so very light in here - not enough privacy, either - I miss my dungeon.
'And sometimes there's a third, even deeper layer, and that one's the same as the top, surface one. Like with pie.'
My outermost layer, the top, surface one, is male. Buzz-cut hair, men's clothes, sneakers that didn't fit my brother. No makeup, except on stage. No real effeminate mannerisms - but a lack of real manliness, too. An introverted boy, then, free from the usual teenage hormones. A nerdish boy, soft, but not girly.
Although it pains me greatly to post thrice in the span of four and twenty hours, this truly merits immediate note.
I just came out to my parents!
Everybody likes me
Nobody loves me
I don't even know whom I love anymore
A primary friend. A new one. One who will be entirely mine as I am entirely his. One who will support me, rather than abandon me, when my strength fails. One who will give up his time so as to be with me, who would rather sit in mournful silence with me than in laughter with anyone else.
Someone who will not be repelled by my advances. Someone who will gather up the flood of soul that I spill to him and hand it back to me in his cupped hands, rather than running in fear of being drowned.
Breaking news: I just got accepted (provided I read and agree to the various Terms and Conditions...which reading I have now done, but for which Agreeing I see no obvious button...) to the university of my choice. So, good news. All that remains is to find that Agree/Disagree button. ...Oh. On second reading, all I have to do is meet the Terms and Conditions. Excellent.
Other news... Well, I had some, but it's all kind of overshadowed, now. So, off to go raid the refrigerator and then off to the school theatre, as usual...
Jude and I finally found some time alone to talk - he drove me home after our all-day rehearsal. The play is shaping up, by the way - it had better be, as the first real performance is on Thursday. But I digress. As I say, Jude and I found some time to talk. And although the conversation led essentially nowhere - no resolutions were made or understandings reached, et cetera et cetera - it was still incredibly rewarding. Like this might actually lead to something. Like Jude might possibly turn out to be the friend I thought Leigh was. I never would have guessed.
One incident too many, apparently. My cousin-once-removed, whom no one in my immediate family had seen in ten years, mistook me for a boy at Thanksgiving, to be corrected by my father. Today, word of the incident got to my mother. It resulted....in a shopping trip. Curses.
Last weekend the supposed people-reader Shawna told me I was 'extremely' confused. At the time, I didn't feel confused at all, and kind of mentally laughed at her people-reading bull. And I still don't think much of her people-reading prowess. But I might be confused. Maybe.
It's kind of like dementors were just passing through. Like they didn't stick around long enough to engender fear and absolute misery, just long enough to suck all the happiness from me and leave me vaguely blue. I haven't been blue like this for a while. For a while I've just been kind of 'meh,' or worried, or confused, or pensive, or even, sometimes, a little bit happy. Not now, though.
A dog whose past is unknown. A youth whose future is unsuspected. August 2007.
I must keep it particularly in mind to get tickets exceptionally early for Deathly Hallows Part II when the time comes. Really I must. I can't let the movie series end without my ever having gone to a midnight premiere. Ah well. I at least went to the midnight release of Deathly Hallows the book, which is more important. And stayed up until almost noon that morning finishing it. I'll probably see Part I tomorrow. Maybe.
Edit: The title. This used to be called 'Miscellany...' but I decided I didn't like that much.
Something Trivial: That girl, codename Ladybug, who slipped me that random Let's-be-friends note a while back, she's still around, still being quite the character, still making strong advances of unascertainable nature. Today we ate lunch together and she gave me another note, so smothered in ribbons and magazine clippings and origami that I was amazed to find an actual letter hidden under it all (Any spelling or grammatical errors are copied.):
This is my current, over-romanticised plan for how my life should unfold, but won't, because it's only the way things work in fiction:
Hero Senior and I are buddies. He is by far the dominant partner, I am more of a sidekick. We engage in minor heroics, and generally have a grand old time. We are extremely close. Nothing can come between us. Until something does. Well, two things, actually.
...As I was leaving from dinner this evening I caught sight of someone I was not expecting to see, and whose appearance has left a vague paranoia upon my mind. I do not know whether he and I have ever exchanged words, or whether he even properly knows who I am, but I know who he is well enough, and we have rather significant mutual acquaintances. He used to date Grey, the girl of my dreams.