Last weekend the supposed people-reader Shawna told me I was 'extremely' confused. At the time, I didn't feel confused at all, and kind of mentally laughed at her people-reading bull. And I still don't think much of her people-reading prowess. But I might be confused. Maybe.
It's kind of like dementors were just passing through. Like they didn't stick around long enough to engender fear and absolute misery, just long enough to suck all the happiness from me and leave me vaguely blue. I haven't been blue like this for a while. For a while I've just been kind of 'meh,' or worried, or confused, or pensive, or even, sometimes, a little bit happy. Not now, though.
A dog whose past is unknown. A youth whose future is unsuspected. August 2007.
I must keep it particularly in mind to get tickets exceptionally early for Deathly Hallows Part II when the time comes. Really I must. I can't let the movie series end without my ever having gone to a midnight premiere. Ah well. I at least went to the midnight release of Deathly Hallows the book, which is more important. And stayed up until almost noon that morning finishing it. I'll probably see Part I tomorrow. Maybe.
Edit: The title. This used to be called 'Miscellany...' but I decided I didn't like that much.
Something Trivial: That girl, codename Ladybug, who slipped me that random Let's-be-friends note a while back, she's still around, still being quite the character, still making strong advances of unascertainable nature. Today we ate lunch together and she gave me another note, so smothered in ribbons and magazine clippings and origami that I was amazed to find an actual letter hidden under it all (Any spelling or grammatical errors are copied.):
This is my current, over-romanticised plan for how my life should unfold, but won't, because it's only the way things work in fiction:
Hero Senior and I are buddies. He is by far the dominant partner, I am more of a sidekick. We engage in minor heroics, and generally have a grand old time. We are extremely close. Nothing can come between us. Until something does. Well, two things, actually.
...As I was leaving from dinner this evening I caught sight of someone I was not expecting to see, and whose appearance has left a vague paranoia upon my mind. I do not know whether he and I have ever exchanged words, or whether he even properly knows who I am, but I know who he is well enough, and we have rather significant mutual acquaintances. He used to date Grey, the girl of my dreams.
I'm probably going to take too much space to feel justified putting it all in a comment, plus I'll probably like to look back on this in later months or years, to see who I was now and all, and as a journal entry of its own it will be easier to find...
01) Are you currently in a serious relationship?
Not of the dating variety. Relationships of other sorts, sure, there are a few serious ones. Be kind of sad if there weren't, really.
02) What was your dream growing up?
As far as I'm aware, I'm not done growing up yet, except physically...
My mom just told me she wouldn't be okay with me being transgender. This bothers me. I mean, I don't think I am transgender, not completely, not even mostly, but I am closer to being so than most people are.
There are so many things on my mind right now. Some of them will probably stay on my mind for a while, so I will leave them out and come back to them later, when I don't have much else to say.
Finally at quarter-to-nine on the night before it's due, I have figured out the topic of my essay! After many days of knowing about the assignment, several days of thinking about it, and at least two or three days of actually worrying about it, now all I have to do is...write it. Oh. But that's the easy part, I think. The difficult part was figuring out what exactly is the significance of all the deception in Vergil's Aeneid. Now that I know, writing three pages about it complete with quotes and line citations should be...possible?
So Leigh and I had lunch together today... It was pretty good... I skipped the Gay-Straight Alliance meeting for it, proving that I do have things more important than being gay (although the amount of time I spend on this site would seem to argue otherwise)... We played chess... everything seemed fine... The one thing that worries me is that the conversation came to an almost abrupt halt when the third person present left the two of us alone. That's not really a good sign. But I have reasonable hope that it will get better.
Since June I've been feeling like I've lost my gravity. Not seriousness gravity, more the kind of gravity that keeps planets in orbit. I'm a planet. I'm not a sun. I need someone to orbit. I'm swayed by the gravity of others. Metaphor. Metaphor.
For a long time I orbited around Leigh. I felt right there, comfortable, knowing that - whatever 'that' might be...I think I knew when I started the sentence, but I forgot. Anyway, I gravitated to him. It was stable. It was all good.
Saturday was your birthday. I thought of you. I wondered how you were celebrating. I wondered where you were, what you looked like, whom you were with. I wondered whether you remembered me on my birthday. I wondered when was the last time you thought of me.
I don't know why I'm giving you another chance. I don't even know whether I really am. You have failed. This time, it wasn't me. This time, it was you.
I know I usually take responsibility, even if the fault was not all mine. But this time I know that if I do that, it will become a vicious spiral: everything of me will be compromised away to please you, to keep us together, until all that remains is...what? Nothing worth keeping.
Leigh and I pretty much broke up this morning.
Then some girls found me crying (and him acting perfectly normal) and managed to get us back together for another try at being friends.