phase into the dream, and first all i feel is a gentle upwards sweeping feeling, then a slow lowering feeling, the sound of soft woodchips under my shoes. push off and fly up again, sink back, feet on the ground. repeat. open eyes, process. seesaw, flat, sit, handles, woodchips, playground. alone. except. for. him. across the plank, sitting, flying, sinking, staring. into. my. eyes...duck. blond hair floating, flopping, settling. strawberry smile starting, growing, flashing. push off the ground, crunch, hold, soar, stare, eyes, fall, crunch, repeat.
sometimes i feel like an onion. happy and fun on the top layer, but as you dig deeper i get more sad and boring. i think people figure this out about me, or i cant figure them out.. i can keep up with amazing people for awhile, but then something happens and makes me think they peeled back one too many layers. they stop talking to me as much, they cut back on jokes they think i wont get. they smile tiredly at a joke i tell, as if theyve heard it a thousand times and i'm so unoriginal. conversations become more stilted, and slowly die off. this can't keep happening.
Code name: Duck. Tallish and blond, in love with music, funny and caring. Has this slow way of talking that makes you think he's processing every word before he says it. He's straight but has been known to pretend to be gay when he first meets a person, as a kind of test. He's friendly to almost everyone and I've never seen him mad. He's open and weird and funky. I met him a couple months ago but started to really get to know him in the past two weeks. His codename is duck because that's what I call him. He calls me kitty because I fell asleep a couple times when we hung out.
So um. Ew. Breakups are the worst. Oh, I guess I'll expand on that, instead of leaving a random (true) statement floating around my head. I broke up with my 6-month boyf (codename: Paul) for lots of reasons.. But the point being I can't get over it and I don't know why. I'm over him, but not the relationship (friendship), if that makes sense? Plus I'm in the in between stage, where I still kind of like him but logic (of the fact that he was only ever nice to me) is going against the crush. Also, he's not taking it well, being really immature and stuff.