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questioning myself honestly.

I have started working full time for the first time at a chemist's, in order to save money over the summer for university, which I am moving to London to study in September. Working so much has definitely changed something inside me, it's a little difficult to describe, but I feel more responsibility, a little bit more sense of myself and when I get back home on my bike, I feel a little tired but do feel happy that I have worked and have not just spent time by myself watching more films, like i do most of my free time.

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I feel odd looking back at past journals. The past is not something that I am fond of, a lot of my journals are personal memories that are pretty miserable but basically myself just moaning a lot about my shortcomings. Writing the journals though helped me understand myself better and I think Oasis was a very important and safe area for me to do this.

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um hey guys

Wow its been a year since I have last used this website. I don't know what it was or why I stopped going on here, I just feel out of pace really and forgot to look back.

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so i have my first ever job interview tomorrow for blacks - it is an outdoor specialist shop, though i hardly ever go camping! However i am DESPERATE for this job because of money, so i really want to get the job. So I would highly appreciate any advice on the interview part as i have never been to one before. It is for just a sales assistant position and the one thing i am scared is that i will be caught out by my knowledge of camping and stuff like that.

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so much has happened recently, yet i have no desire to write anything.
Quite strange put i did have my first kiss.
And got intoxicated out of my head.
But i broke up with this guy as after only the second "date" (well i just went to his house) i suddenly felt a huge rush of getting out and i became so uncomfortable in his setting.
Then when i broke up with him - well i was just seeing him and wanted to get out early, as i am honest person when it comes to feelings and it would not get too complicated if i went out quick - i felt so happy!

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I feel better this morning. Well not fully, but just there. i watched little miss sunshine last night and it was the perfect film to help cope with my lonely mood.

Man, my mood swings are getting higher and higher......

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a portrait of lonely

being a reluctant introvert by not your own choice, is really hard. It sucks.
People are putting up walls against me and not saying a word back either. Feeling lonely is increasing, even when i keep asking people to go places, they decline.
The decline pattern is staring to become more repetitive.
I would love to express fully my loneliness and sad state but i cant even be bothered to make a full journal entry.

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words to plain, feelings so strange

If I was in a movie, this would be the moment i light a fag and look solemn towards to the camera.

I'm feeling blue. I want to explain why, but Im struggling. And its not anything bad at all. Just that blue feeling washing in and out of me. For no real or concrete reason.

I think Im gradually going into a quiet madness. I have never been drunk or taken drugs, yet i have these moments of spontaneous dance that feel fuelled with rage, which i sometimes cant stop.

Also the word pretentious may be the death of me. oh god.

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Why was I so ignorant?

Okay, a warning as I may be a bit rusty with how i am phrasing this journal, but here goes. So I went to go see "Dark Shadows" this evening with my friends and i decided to get the bus home. It was only 8.30 and still light and as i waited at the bus shelter by myself on a fairly busy roads with cars, two men appeared a few yards distance from me. Straight away just from there body language and just stuff really, i knew they were a-bit dodgy.

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Its has just gone three in the afternoon and Im still stuck under the covers of my bed. I did this mostly yesterday too. Its like I am having repetitive hangovers. Except for the fact I have never been drunk or had a hangover before, so that does not compensate. I don't really know whats wrong with me. I know its laziness, but I cant help but feel that there is something deeper going on. After again watching about 5 episodes of SATC, i came to realise one of the reasons on why i am so addicted.

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I could not help but wonder....

I have been watching so much sex and the city at the moment.
just loads.
I simply can't get enough
I had a horrible sunday so in the evening i watched the first movie, and afterwards i felt so pleasant.
It's odd how some movies can completely change your feelings.
I sound like a thirty-something divorce women, but its still amazing.
I want to type a journal all Carrie Bradshaw like, but my laziness is stopping me.
Maybe tomorrow.

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Whats the next worst thing compared to your love live being in tatters?
Your schoolwork.
Having a crap weekend trying to complete something, that just wont go away.
cant concentrate
cant focus
I just don't know where to turn.
i have little words to say :|

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To You

old feelings are spreading and history is resurfacing. As everything is once again slow, my longing seems more tempting. How i do wish things could sway, but inside i know. As the sense of touch is celebrated, the look of romance is gaining speed. Yet a day will continuously go by, yet again,yet again.....

Side-note- first day of spring break and Im already lonely :L

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I don't make sense, but what if i prefer it that way?
Yeah, eat that with your bacon.

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Double View

I have a problem. Its petty, but its one.
A few weeks ago i was in London for a couple weekend to go see my brother and his new flat with his new flatmates. One of them was called let's say Speck and i felt i really got on well with him somewhat well in the times i had a conversation with him. I didn't spend loads of time with him, mainly just in the evening, but i really thought he was a cool dude and all. So like a couple days ago i realised he had Facebook and promptly sent a friend request. And he still has not got back to me.

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