This particular song, Shake the Disease, is pretty much how I feel right now.
"Can't you see it's misery
And torture for me
When I'm misunderstood
Try as hard as you can, I've tried as hard as I could
To make you see
How important it is for me"
This part of the song reminds me of trying to explain trans issues to my parents. I've been trying to explain to them why it matters to me what they call me, but it's really difficult to make that clear. And it is torture for me to be misunderstood.
"Here is a plea
From my heart to you
I'm currently living at home, both for the upcoming holidays and because my panic attacks and bad reactions to my medicine were making finishing the semester impossible, even if it's only a week or two. I do feel like being home is helping with my anxiety in that I can sort of get away from the crowded chaotic-ness of dorm life and college.
It took you sucking the sweetness from the pears in my garden
To make me want to get clean,
To stop taking the drugs you blasted through the airwaves,
To go from celebrity crushed to crushed by a celebrity.
Because the last thing I need is someone else telling me what a real man should do,
I get enough of that already.
I stood up for you when people called you a slut,
Told them where to stick their criteria for a promiscuous woman,
Thought that what you were doing wasn't feminism,
But neither was telling you to stop, that it's somehow worse when you objectify men
I'm having one right now. I know because my breathing feels more strained, and I can't concentrate. I know that I'm panicking because of a couple of things. The biggest one right now is probably, surprisingly, not the paper I have due in like an hour. It's actually feminism.
I'm currently supposed to be finishing up some homework. I don't feel like it for multiple reasons, but one thing that bothers me is that my full name is prominently displayed whenever I go to do it. It's online homework, and so it's under my full legal name, the one I gave the college. It's infuriating. I feel depressed when I look at it, like my work is all really someone else's.
And of course, binding hurts, is itchy and uncomfortable, but I'm scared to transition, scared that I'll regret it. Yet I'm binding daily and disguising my feminine features. I'm so frustrated right now. :(
I'm really not sure what I'm experiencing right now. This journal is a good place to document my feelings, though.
I AM SO ANGRY OH MY GOD.
So I called someone out on transphobia on youtube.
We kept arguing.
She ended it with "whatever, don't get your artificial sexual organs in a twist."
MY ORGANS ARE NOT ARTIFICIAL.
THEY ARE A PART OF ME.
IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THEY DON'T WORK LIKE YOURS.
THEY ARE PART OF ME. I AM A MAN.
And I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE ANGRY.
So I'm back at home again, in my old bed. I haven't been here to sleep in three months. And it's weird, because at college I've been mostly presenting as male, and identifying as male, for the past month or so, even a little more than that maybe. I love my bed, I love my room, but it is so unmistakably a typical girl's room that I feel confused. It feels weird. It's like seeing myself in pictures.
I am having a dysphoric day.
Today was decent until I got up to get dressed. I've been struggling with something selfish- there's a flannel shirt I love that my girlfriend hates. It has a slight history, in that it reminds her of someone who she dislikes. So I've been trying to wear it in ways that bother her less, but I think I should just cut the shirt out of my life. It is really just a shirt, and looking out for my girlfriend means so much more to me.
I'm going out tonight with my girlfriend and my rugby team to celebrate our fall season. It was my first time playing rugby, and I loved it.
The attire is dressy. I will likely be the only one on the team not in a dress. Although I identify somewhere on the FtM spectrum, I play for a women's team because of biology (and also because I hear the guys' team is full of bros- and one of them called Lady Gaga a tra**y, which just gives me a bad feeling about playing for them). My team isn't entirely aware of my gender identity, and I'm considering coming out to them more formally soon.