This is the first time I've been sober in a while. Kids, don't do drugs, they're going to kill you and drag you to hell. I mean that. Don't.
I'm not going to tell you what I've been on, but it's been tearing me apart. I can't stop, and I feel like I've brought myself so far down that I'll never be able to crawl back up. Sometimes I feel like it would be best for me, my family, and my friends if I disappeared. All I've done for them is cause them pain and make them fear for my safety.
I've only been here for a little while. I don't post often, either, in comparison to some of you. That doesn't mean I don't care, it just means that I don't always know what to say.
I see a lot of camaraderie here, and I like the way you all interact (except for some tiny little misfires that I am assured is natural).
I would like to stay here for a while, and if you all don't mind hearing about a very depressing person I will post a little more regularly now that I have a feel for where I am.
I went outside. It was very bright and very hot, so I had an umbrella. S and I took a stroll down the street to the park where we sat and talked for three hours about the nature of The Count of Monte Cristo and its eponymous character.
I felt good, although there was a group of teenagers staring at me the last half hour. They noticed my fear of loud noises and eventually started shouting and screaming and laughing at me until I left. S stayed behind for twenty-six minutes, lecturing the teens.
Do you think you would be straight?
I ask because sometimes I feel like even if I were female, I'd be an FTM transsexual.
If you are gay and suddenly became a woman, besides being panicked, would you be straight?
And the same for lesbians?
Transpeople as well...
Music brings life into the world. I think it's possible that Yahweh sung the world into existence, because when I listen to things such as the titular piece I can see entire worlds being built with every chord.
In the beginning, there is are streams of light battling dark clouds of red; with every move of the light, the darkness overpowers it, and all hope seems lost.... Mephistopheles rises from the darkness, laughing and reveling in his success.
I'm having a very bad day. I cleaned my house this morning and had the urge to hang myself with an extension cord.
What's the point of living when you can only live in a dark, empty house?
I guess I'll simplify, pardon if this sounds too odd.
I only left my house once lately, and that's to go to the hospital. My friend convinced me that I ought to have small party at my house to get myself a little less frightened. I've been terrified a serial killer will attack me, so I refuse to leave the house.
I'm back from a week of self-imposed exile from communication, feeling refreshed and rather hungry for fast food.
I guess I'll let you know what I was up to, but it wasn't much. Basically I put cardboard in the windowpanes, locked the doors, unplugged the phones and computer, and stayed in my room all week. Candles go a long way. I ate better food than usual. Eggs and cheese are now my favorite foods.
What do you want to do with your life? I don't mean what you want to do as a job. Or a hobby. I mean what do you want to do.
I want to be an inspiration for revolution. I want to be looked at years after my death and have it said: "That woman showed us why to fight for our right to love." I want to have my works read by high school students and inspire them to break from their social mold and look at life from their own point of view- not my point of view. I want to make them create their own.
So in that sentiment, what is it you want to do?
Incredibly dark. That's the best way to describe where I am. My house is huge, comfortable, and completely empty. There is a single light on in this house, on the second floor in a small room in the corner of the house. Only one window is in this room, and I can see the street from here.
Occasionally a car passes by.
The house smells of cigarettes and dust. The furniture, mostly untouched, has gathered a quarter-inch layer of gray. It's clear that only the single room is in use.
So, someone I've had my eye on for a very long time was in a relationship with another woman. This friend was obsessed with her. I've been obsessed with my friend for ages. I've basically devoted half of my time and willpower to making her happy, so it naturally angered me when she chose this other woman over me (irrational feelings). But I stuck with her, because I want what she wants. Whatever means she's happy.
I found myself the victim of a Mormon Home-Invasion this morning. I knew what was coming from the start, but when they asked to come in, I said yes. I suppose it was out of loneliness, because I haven't left the house but three or so times in the past two weeks.
They talked to me for three hours, I think, and we had a relatively stimulating spiritual conversation. Talking about the nature of God, the possibility of spirits, the divinity or humanity of Jesus Nazarene. After a while I bid the on their way. For once, I was actually sorry to see them leave.
Yeeeeeah. So my friend comes up to me this morning and actually asks if I want to be in this year's Christmas musical-whatever he's writing.
Okay... Number one. I don't celebrate f*cking Christmas, jerk.
Number two. It's.... February.
"Well I figure, you could be Mary because she was a Jew."
"... It's February."
"If you want I guess I could write a song for you."
"CJ. It's February."
"I know you like singing."
"Are you high?"
"Can you hit soprano notes?"
"No, but that's beside the point. CJ, what are you smoking-"
Little Johnny went to school
Little Johnny played the fool
Little Johnny went to bed
Little Johnny hit his head
Little Johnny hit a girl
Little Johnny took a whirl
Little Johnny hit her head
Little Johnny killed her dead
Little Johnny told his dad
Little Johnny's dad was sad
Little Johnny took a knife
Little Johnny stabbed him twice
Little Johnny wasn't caught
Little Johnny never stopped
Little Johnny's next to you
Little Johnny wants you too.