I got dumped last night. I was totally blindsided by it, didn't see it coming at all. She said for the past few months, she hasn't felt as strongly in love with me as she once did. For the past few months, our relationship has been a fucking sham and she never bothered to talk to me about it. She said she didn't want to hurt me, but she's hurt me so much more by waiting that long to tell me. Everything is moment by moment now; one moment I feel okay, the next moment all I want to do is burst into tears. I've never felt so much pain in my entire life.
Just one final journal entry before this site shuts down I suppose. My life has undergone some pretty big changes in direction since I was last on here. I'm transferring schools next fall, because the college I'm attending doesn't have an astronomy program and is way too small for my liking. I thought a small college would be ideal for me, but I was wrong. I have very few opportunities to meet new people there, there's really no niche for me to fit into, and it's just too reminiscent of high school with its cliques and everybody knowing everybody else and shit.
Sometimes I get this feeling of dread. It usually creeps up on me when I'm alone or bored, when everyone's out and I have all my coursework done. When it comes, I don't feel like doing anything. I can't make myself watch YouTube videos or read Cosmos or text people or anything. I just cycle through my tabs mindlessly, not even really processing anything I'm looking at. It passes after awhile, but it comes back every few days or so.
I dread that Mickala will leave me, that things just won't work out between us and I'll be left alone.
I'm ready to go home for the summer now. I wanna see my mom and my sister and my dad and my soon-to-be stepdad and my cats. I wanna see my mom get married to someone who values her and treats her with respect and kindness. I'm ready to live in a new dorm and start my social life over again and meet new people whom I actually feel really close to. And I'm ready to start throwing myself into some really hard schoolwork.
So, I suppose I'll start with my social life. I haven't branched out a lot this past year of college. No parties, clubs only lasted for a few months, and really my only friends have been my suite mates. Well, there's an odd number of us, and block housing for next year is for an even number of people for some ridiculous reason, so guess who's been left hanging? Me. So I had to take whatever was left over because those who are drifters with no specific preference or plan get stuck with whatever hasn't been taken.
I've been lurking here for awhile without really contributing to anything, mostly for the sake of nostalgia, but I figured I may as well post a journal for the hell of it.
-I've strayed from my passion for psychology. It still fascinates me, but I can't really see myself having a career in it, unless it was research-oriented. I was set on a creative writing/psychology double major, but my plans have changed.
I guess first and foremost I just want to say that Oasis has been a very helpful resource for me these past three years. The discussions and interactions I've participated in or observed on this site have been eye-opening and have allowed me to even make a few friends on this site.
I'm heading home for winter break in about an hour. I'm dropping off my friends at the train station, then making the two-hour drive back home. It'll be nice to be home again. I'll have a week to relax, then I'll start working at my old job all through December. I need money. I've been a little excessive with my spending these past three months, and my checking account has suffered. At least I've learned my lesson.
Today's date is so fun to write.
I think I'll start with smaller stuff and get to the meat of this journal later (P.S: the meat involves relationship-esque things). Ummm I fucking love college, in case that wasn't abundantly clear already. I've learned more in one term of college than I have in one year of high school, and that's really not an exaggeration. I mean, it really isn't even worth it to compare high school and college. To do so would be like comparing Stephanie Meyer and Shakespeare.
Well, I have a girlfriend now. Officially, as in that's what we're calling each other now. It seems illogical to dive into a relationship with someone you haven't yet met in person, but hey, we talk on the phone, we text, we see pictures of each other online. I don't have Skype though. She calls me babe, which feels weird but not bad but not excellent either. Oftentimes I don't really know how I feel about everything in general. But more on that later.
Welp, I have some things to share.
First and foremost, this weekend was fantastic. Saturday my suite mate/close friend Kaylie and I made a trip to Chicago for a concert. One considerable dilemma: my car window will not roll up. The mechanism is busted and will cost 250 dollars to fix, and I couldn't get it taken care of in time for the trip, so imagine going 75 on the highway at midnight in October with a window down. Yeah.
About a week ago, I started talking to this girl. When I say talking, I don't mean face-to-face. Let me put this into context: one of my closest friends here, Sarah, a suite mate, has a friend from back where she lives who happens to be a lesbian. So she tags us both in one of her tweets, saying the two of us should totally talk, and the three of us get into a conversation on twitter. Deciding to be smooth for once in my life, I say that twitter is a terrible place for conversations, the girl adamantly agrees, and I get her number.
I just really do not like my roommate. At all. I honestly don't see us becoming besties ever. I know I complained about her in my last journal, but I'm gonna complain about her some more. For one thing, she always acts like she never has a fucking clue what's going on. She has this perpetual look of confusion on her face that really annoys me. I'm surprised she hasn't been hit by a car yet.
I know I shouldn't be writing this, but I'm bored so why the fuck not. That's a weird problem I've been facing lately, by the way. An abundance of free time. Time management is a whole new game in college, it seems. Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays I have Human Rights and Ways of Reading. Human Rights is an examination of social issues around the world, from LGBT rights in Russia to the political crisis in Syria, which seems pretty neat. Ways of Reading is all about literary criticism and different methods of analyzing literature, which seems okay, I guess.