I made it seem like I was gonna dramatically exit the site for weeks, but three days later here I am. Classes and clubs and whatnot don't start until Thursday, so for now other than the mandatory orientation meetings, I've found myself with an abundance of free time.
I leave for college tomorrow. All summer I've been wishing for time's quicker passing and now that my wish has seemed to come true I'm a little nervous. But a good kind of nervous. Most of my things are packed and my dad is coming over later today to load my stuff in his truck since my trunk's latch is busted. So I'll be shoving a few giant Tupperware containers in my back seats and Dad'll take care of the rest.
-Love isn't supposed to hurt. The way we humans love one another is flawed and we create the hurt.
-I said goodbye to a friend over dinner a few days ago. We went to the same restaurant we used to go to every Monday. She's left for Minnesota and I feel absolutely nothing.
-The past hurts to think about. There are people I miss and memories I want to relive, but the future is looking fantastic.
We had to put my oldest cat, Buddy, to sleep today. In the past few weeks he's stopped eating and I've had to watch him slowly wither away into a skeleton. We took him to the vet and we were told it was a thyroid problem, but the medication prescribed for thyroid issues didn't restore his appetite like it should have. I think it was something more than that. He got to a point where he couldn't even get up and walk he was so weak.
A random thought: formal events like proms and whatever else are gonna be a challenge. Because I'm not feminine enough to feel comfortable in a dress, but I'm not butchy enough to feel comfortable in a tux. So what do? What the hell am I gonna wear to my own wedding someday?
Androgyny sucks sometimes.
I'm writing this at two in the morning, so bear with me. To give you a taste of my current state of mind, I just had to Google which bear to use in that sentence.
I have just returned from my three-day trip to Chicago. My mom, my sister, my mom's friend, her seven-year-old son, and Brittany all tagged along, and it was a great time, even though the kid is really obnoxious and spoiled because his mom is too exhausted by motherhood to be a decent mother. But for the most part Brittany and I did our own thing, away from the rest of them. My poor sister, who babysits the kid sometimes, was stuck with him usually, and he picked on her mercilessly. Yes, the trip would've been slightly less annoying without him.
My graduation ceremony was May 31. It's been unbearably rainy here for a few months, so we had to have the ceremony inside the middle school gymnasium, which really, really sucked. It was hot, sticky, and cramped. It took me half an hour after the ceremony to find my family because thousands of people were swarming every inch of the building. Luckily, even though there were a little over 500 hundred people in my graduating class, graduation only took about an hour and a half, maybe a bit more. I'm just glad it's over and done with.
I am officially done with high school as of tomorrow. It's honestly kinda hard to wrap my head around that fact. But it's over now. I survived what many consider to be the most socially awkward, horrifically embarrassing phase of human life.
Until I remember that the universe is indifferent to the trivialities of mere mortals like myself. P.S: Buckle up. This is gonna be a long journal.
My social life seemed to peak during the last week, only to plateau again. Last Tuesday was my eighteenth birthday so I endured the obligatory family gathering to celebrate. My cousin's boyfriend decided to invite himself without bothering to inform anybody and showed up in the middle of our dinner just to eat our food. He didn't speak to anybody but my cousins and he was very curt when anyone else tried to start conversation. He left without saying a word of thanks, because I guess a nice "Thank you for letting me eat six slices of YOUR pizza" is too much. What a douche.
Easter was going nicely for me. My mom's family gathered at my grandma's house for smoked ham and prayers, as we do every year, and my cousins and I were reconnecting after months of barely speaking. Not out of spite or any disagreements, but they're both...adults now. One's in college with a boyfriend, the other has a job and a girlfriend he plans to marry and I can't keep up. But the boyfriend and girlfriend weren't with us for once, so I had my cousins all to myself for the first time in awhile. So we hung out and it was nice.
I've been getting a lot of extra hours at work lately, which is good. Twenty-three hours this past week, nineteen of which were during the weekend. I like to gripe about it but really it's good for me. When I'm working my mind is only focused on the tasks at hand. It's a distraction. A greasy way to kill time, if you will. Plus the money is nice to have, although I don't particularly yearn for tons of cash. Good news is I can buy books and put more in my pathetically small savings account.
I'm totally aware of the fact that my recent journals have grown repetitive. I just need to write whatever comes to me whenever it comes to me even if it covers the same subject over and over again because it makes my thoughts more logical and organized. For awhile, at least.
Just gonna jump right in to this one.