radiosilence95's picture

Good evening.

So, my best friend was arrested for shoplifting. I told you that already. She has to pay a 200 dollar fine by December 21st or else the judge will send her to some sort of youth home for troubled teens. She doesn't have a job, doesn't have enough money, and the odds of her finding a job and getting her first check before the 21st are slim. So what do I do? I offer to pay for half the fine.

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I've changed my mind about my college of choice. I was planning on a liberal arts college in Chicago, but I found another private college in a smaller town. I am NOT a very urban girl. At all. My grandpa is a retired farmer and I spent the majority of my childhood on that farm. The town I live in is pretty big, around 40,500 people, which is the perfect size for me. Big cities make me uncomfortable. I don't like the noise or the people. And I did some thinking, and I came to the conclusion that I would be miserable in Chicago. Too big, too risky, too expensive.

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Wish I had something smart or witty to say.

Today was a wonderful day. I need more of these.

Here are some reasons why:
1) Took an AP Psych test and totally kicked its ass.
2) My best friend took a long moment to gush about how adorable and sweet and date-able I am.
3) I found two awesome CDs in the bargain bin for 5 bucks each. Now I have new music to blast in my car.
4) I entertained a few people in journalism. Made them laugh. The people on our staff are such cool people, and they adore me. New friends are being made. Lots of new friends.

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Hm. Yes. Well then. Yesterday I received my very first paycheck. But I filled out my tax information wrong and they deducted a bit too much out of my paycheck for taxes. Damn it. Why did nobody explain the tax thingy to me? The wording was impossible to understand. No big deal though. I'm opening a checking account tomorrow after school, and I'm gonna get a debit card. I hope I don't go crazy with the spending. I've always been able to save money, but I've never had more than 200 bucks at a time before. Must exercise self-control.

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I went to the mall yesterday with two of my...let's call them acquaintances. I haven't been to the mall with friends in a very, very long time. Both of the people I went with are attracted to me. A lot. One male, one female. The dude was the kid I danced with during homecoming. The other is a former good friend of mine. We smoked pot for the first time together in 8th grade and...erm, how should I put this... cuddled intimately in her bed. But that was awhile ago, and I thought it was no big deal, but I guess the girl's got feelings for me.

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An Update

This annoying boy has a crush on me. He keeps texting me and telling me I'm the most beautiful girl in the world and that he wants to date me. And you know what I did? I told him I was gay. Yup. So a guy I barely know knows I'm gay, yet my family and closest friends haven't a clue. He also told me that he can understand animals. Great. Apparently only freaks have crushes on me.

Saw my counselor today. Positive thoughts ensued. She told me she adores me. A rare mushy moment was shared between us.

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Everybody says working at fast food joints is horrible. But I already enjoy my job...probably because I haven't been working long enough to hate it, but still. I can't work the grill very well, because I'm a dainty little girl and the grill is the hardest and fastest position, but I'm good with the fryers and everything else. I'm not doing as bad as I thought I would, but it is very fast-paced. I come home smelling like grease though, so now I have to wash my hair every night. But work is great. It's such a wonderful distraction from everything else.

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Orientation for my new job today. We watched a 90 minute training video about proper employee hygiene. Yikes. I look like a total dork in my uniform, but whatever. I also had no freaking idea how to fill out that damn tax thingy, so I guessed. I think I did it right. I also spent two hours driving around town looking for work pants. Finding a pair of pants that fit me is almost impossible. But I managed.

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Saw my counselor a couple days ago. Told her lots of stuff. It made me feel better about certain things, but we've still got work to do. She always says just the right things to lift my spirits. My counselor says she thinks my dad knows I'm gay, because he talked to her about me over the summer, but he hasn't said anything to me or anyone else. I couldn't care less if he knows or not.

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Am I a genetic defect? A flaw in the chain of evolution?

A biological blunder, a scientific oddity?

A freak of nature?

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Finally. I have a job. Well, there's a 95% chance I have a job, I should say. I had an interview last week at this fast food place, and the manager really seemed to like me. So the second interview will be a piece of cake. All I gotta do is act as polite and kind as possible and I've got the job. Shouldn't be hard. I'm very polite and amiable around adults. And two of my bowling buddies are working there as well, so at least I won't be alone. I'm really excited, actually. I need a job because I need money, but I also think it'll make me more social and give me more self-confidence.

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Today was...interesting.

Somebody was planning to shoot up the school today. Yesterday they found bullets in a kid's backpack and graffiti in the boys' bathroom saying students were going to die. Random students were also getting messed up text messages from the guy who was gonna do it, supposedly. The shooting was supposed to take place at 12:30 today. Kids were panicking, calling their parents and going home early. I'd say at least half of the school went home early before 12:00, including most of my friends.

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It was...decent. Two guys asked me to dance with them, and I did. They're my friends and they're awesome, so why not? I'm pretty sure both of them like me. Those poor guys. One of them kept telling me how beautiful I looked and was sweating a lot. They're both really sweet. Too bad I'm a hopeless lesbian.

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I thought I was happier. Guess not. I've suffered some setbacks lately. Nothing major, but enough to affect my mood when I'm not in school surrounded by people and I'm just in my room alone with my thoughts. I dunno. Just feeling isolated and doubtful and a bit sad. I know it's just a phase and I'll get over it, but it still sucks just the same. Oh, the many joys of being a teenager.

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Anybody ever read The Scarlet Letter by Nathaniel Hawthorne? I'm reading that right now for AP English. I'm 20 pages into it and it's really interesting. It is a very wordy book, I must say. I know that wordy is all the rage in classic literature, but god does it give me a headache. I do appreciate how well it's written though. I can't wait to dissect the moral themes and stuff. AP English is the perfect class for me, I swear. Analyzing literature, writing descriptive essays and's heaven.

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