But I'm feeling talkative. So, I realized something odd. I have never raised my voice in anger at another person. In a joking, fake-anger kind of way, yes, I have. But I have never yelled out of genuine anger in my life. Maybe as a toddler, but that doesn't really count. This realization led to another one-- I don't know how to express anger. When somebody does something that upsets me, I don't tell them. I try to deal with it on my own so I don't have to deal with the drama of telling that person how I feel.
I saw my aunt yesterday. I was expecting to see a corpse, but she actually looks fairly healthy. I haven't been to her house in so long, I forgot how beautiful the Illinois countryside is. It's stunning, really. But anyway, we took my aunt out to dinner and she told me that she regrets not getting to know me better. And then she kinda cried a little. And then I felt guilty for some reason, and then I wanted to leave cuz I was getting all sad.
I'm going to visit my aunt, who is suffering from liver cancer, on Labor Day. This sounds awful, but I don't want to go. I don't want to see what she looks like. I don't even know what I would say to her. We've barely spoken and she's rarely shown any interest in my life, just like all of my other relatives on my dad's side. She's never been interested in me. Why should I be interested in her? Why should I care? She's a stranger. Just like my grandma and my aunt and my cousin on my dad's side. None of them know anything about me.
I am having awful luck getting a job. I've been trying since the beginning of summer. No business ever contacts me after I give them my application. Today I turned in applications to 4 different places. One of them might hire me, two of them aren't hiring for the position I want, and the last one, which was hiring for all positions and was my best bet for a job, only hires people over 18. Why? Because employees have to use box cutters. WHAT? What is this nonsense? Do they think I'm gonna shank a customer? Or cut myself opening a box and sue the company?
My friends were making fun of lesbians this morning at school. How disappointing. I expected better from them. I thought they were more mature and not so ignorant, but apparently not. And of course I did the cowardly thing and only said "Come on, guys. Not all lesbians are like that" as a weak protest and then kept my mouth shut.
My mom found my Satanic Bible under my bed recently. And of course I was interrogated as soon as she discovered it. I told her over and over again that I DO NOT want to convert to Satanism, that I'm curious to study the most feared religion in society. She's concerned about my curiosity, but whatever. I was hoping she would trust me more than that. I mean come on. Does she really think I'll be slaughtering the cats and offering their blood as an offering to my Dark Master, Satan? Satanism isn't even about that anyway.
Today was my first day back to school. Although I am sad that I didn't take full advantage of the summer, I am reallyyy glad to be back in school. I already have homework in four subjects, and three quizzes on Monday. Jeez. I didn't even get a chance to get comfy being in school again. But that's okay. I crave a challenge, and every single one of my classes is gonna be tough (except for P.E).
1) When I hold a door open for someone and they don't say anything. No thank you. Not even a smile or a nod. Like I'm expected to do it or something. Whenever someone does that for me, I ALWAYS make sure I say thanks and smile. I have this urge to yell "YOU'RE WELCOME, JERK!" every time it happens, but I never do.
I've been trying this little project that my counselor has recommended to me. I'm writing letters to everyone whom I have something important to say to. I wrote a very angry letter to my dad, a letter to his bitchy girlfriend, a letter to Amber telling her I'm moving on. But the most important one I wrote was my mom's. It was a coming out letter. I said things that needed to be said, and it made me feel better, even though I'm too scared to give it to her right now. One day, maybe I can have the courage to.
I think we should have school year-round. I mean, think about it. We'd get two-week breaks spread throughout the year, and I wouldn't have to go stir-crazy during the summer. I really wouldn't mind doing that. School starts in two weeks, and I'm practically dying to start going again. If I went to school all year, I would be a happier student. They do that in Germany, and their students, according to test scores, are smarter than American students. Then again, every country probably has better students than this one.
1) I have a completely different definition of beauty than most people. If you showed me a picture of a model on a magazine cover, and you were like, "Damn, isn't this chick gorgeous?" I'd say no. Not really. I go for a modest, unappreciated kind of beauty. The kind of attractiveness that not everyone notices, but when I notice it, it's amazing. I don't really know how to explain it. The girls in my school who most people see as so-so pretty and/or plain-looking, I see as gorgeous.
I just got back from Missouri, specifically, the Lake of the Ozarks. It's my family's idea of a vacation-- simple, inexpensive, and relaxing. It doesn't take much to satisfy us. And by "us" I'm excluding my sister, because she complains about everything. I yelled at her because no matter how much my mom spends on her, she's never happy. Always whining. BUT ANYWAY. I've been doing vacation-y things. Boat rides, shopping, feeding ducks, relaxing by the lake, dining at fancy restaurants (I can never spell that word, restaurant. It's one of my few weaknesses when it comes to spelling).
My car is amazing to drive with new tires, I'm probably gonna have a job at a donut shop soon, and I feel like shit.
I now have a car. A 2003 Ford Focus, olive green, 70,000 miles on it. All four tires are in bad condition so we're taking it to a mechanic Monday to get them replaced. And the thing needs a good tune up, and a good cleaning inside and out. Being in my own car for the first time is unbelievably freeing. Problem is, even after we get it fixed up, there's the issue of gas and the monthly insurance payments, which is up to me to pay, of course. No job=no driving. I applied at a doughnut shop, very small, very slow-paced. Let's hope they hire me, so I can keep my car running.
I took my mom's car to take my sister's friend home today. I drove without adult supervision for the first time, with my brand-new license. Nobody died, so that's a plus. We found a nice 2001 Sebring that's in really good condition, so there's a chance I could have my own car by tomorrow. We're gonna go talk to the dealer and take it for a test drive, get it checked by a mechanic. My mom and grandparents are splitting the payments, and I have to pay for insurance and gas. So, I am DESPERATE for a job.