I like who I am. I like the way I look, and gosh darn it, I'm pretty. I came to this conclusion after staring into the mirror for 5 minutes, and it just suddenly came to me: I AM beautiful, in my own way. I'm not conceited about it, I'm not gonna walk around and flip my hair and be like "Oh yeah I am soooo hot bitchez." But I just...I've accepted my hair, my face, my body. And it feels SO good. I used to have horrible self esteem, and I avoided mirrors all the time. But now...now I just appreciate myself and I like me. It may not seem like a big deal, but it feels so great.
There's this thing I saw on TV...Discovery Health, maybe? It was a special about these people called "Objectum sexuals." These are people who claim to have intimate relationships with inanimate objects, such as cars and dolls and stuff like that. And it's not just like "Yup, I wash my car every day cuz I love it so much!" No. They are legitimately in love with their chosen object, so much that they want to marry it, make love to it, all the components of a relationship that is normally shared between two human beings.
My counselor is going on her maternity leave in two weeks. She'll be gone until September, and until then no counciling. I have the option of either returning when she does or just discontinuing my counciling. And this is a more difficult decision than I thought. I really enjoy going and talking to her, but I'm not 100% certain that I really NEED to keep going. I've been much happier, more confident with myself, it's helped me get over a lot of things I used to struggle with...So do I need to resume counciling in September?
I'm writing this journal from a hotel twenty miles from home. There's no electricity anywhere in my town and there are fallen trees everywhere. Some people's homes were smashed by trees, and there are huge branches scattered everywhere. In the yards, in the streets. The river has flooded from all the rain and the entire riverfront is underwater--boat clubs, bars, parks. So basically a massive storm messed up my whole town, and so now I'm stuck here in this hotel with my family, waiting for electricity to come back and stuff. It could've been a lot worse for me though.
I reread the LGBT book my counselor gave me. I kept getting stuck on the sentence "You do NOT have to have sex in order to figure out your sexuality." I reread it over and over again. I used to believe in that statement. It was like my personal mantra. Now I'm not so sure. I mean, yeah, a lot of gay people go through this self-discovery process just fine, without having sex all over the place. But...is sex not some form of confirmation?
I passed my driving test today! I'm soooo happyyyyy. In a week I'll be going to the DMV to get me mah lisence, and then it's sweet freedom at last. I can't wait to cruise the town and stuff, being on my own. Ah, the sweet taste of victory.
Now I just need to start looking for a car to drive, which will be almost impossible. My dad refuses to put a single dollar toward my car and I'm still looking for a job. My mom can help a bit, and maybe my grandparents. Even with the help, there aren't a lot of cheap used cars available in my town.
Three Days Grace concert. UH-MAZING. Katie and I were lucky enough to get a decent view of the stage, even though the place was freaking packed. The band that opened for them happened to be good friends with my dad, which was pretty cool. So they gave me a free T-shirt and my dad high fived all of them while they were playing. Ha. But yeah, Three Days Grace is a decent mainstream band. Their songs are pretty emotionally satisfying, regardless of how simple their lyrics are. Nothing was more satisfying than yelling "I hate everything about you!
I failed my driving test today. Total bullshit, dudes. I really should've passed, cuz I did everything just fine. I got two automatic failures: one for not looking over my shoulder long enough backing out of an alley (which I DID look backward. Jesus Christ), and another for putting the car in reverse instead of nuetral during an uphill park. Either way, the car rolls to the curb, so what the fuck does it matter? I really strongly dislike my driver's ed teacher. So, because apparently I'm such a horrible driver, I have to retake the test next Wednesday.
My mom found the LGBT book I was reading that my counselor gave me. Which means she can probably put the pieces together and figure out I'm gay. This is horrible. HORRIBLE. I'm not ready to be out to her yet. I needed time to prepare, to be more comfortable with myself. She hasn't confronted me about finding it yet, but I know she will. And I have no idea what to expect. Will she say I'm being stupid, that I'm not really gay? Will she yell at me, disown me, kick me out of the house? Will it change the course of our relationship, will she be ashamed of me?
So, I live in the Midwest, right? Well, as it turns out, the entire area is being overrun by a giant horde of cicadas, which are like locusts, but different. There's a scientific explanation as to why they've invaded, so instead of explaining it, here's the article: http://www.stltoday.com/news/science/article_2d734fd1-74b3-5b6e-a644-fc2...
Was Oasis always contaminated with so much drama? Or has it just gotten this bad recently? Because when I first came on here, nobody argued. Nobody had 100 comments on their journal. Nobody was hateful towards anybody else. Or maybe I just joined during a period of peace. All this hostility and hatred...it's got me bummed. I mean, what's the point? Internet arguing makes everyone look like an idiot. But when we can quit holding grudges and grow up and learn to say I'm sorry, then we become a REAL community. Yeah, I know, I sound like a hippie.
My greatest disappointment in life. No need for further explanation. I could go into detail, but the history between us is much too long. I'm sure some of you can relate to having daddy problems. And not just the "Oh I hate you daddy cuz you didn't buy me a car!" kind of problems. Legitimate problems.
Anyway, I hope you're all having a wonderful day.
My eleven year old sister and I somehow got on the topic of gays and lesbians (don't ask me how) while we were hanging out in the basement, playing the Super Nintendo. She basically told me that lesbians are gross. And disgusting. And horrible. And other negative adjectives that made me feel shitty. I explained to her that no, lesbians are not gross, and I went into a long speech trying to convince her. I dunno if it worked. I mean, she's eleven. She's not necessarily old enough to know the complexities of sexuality.
Today was my first day of Behind the Wheel, or BTW, which is like driving class, basically. Luckily for me, my driving partner is my dear friend Katie, who is awesome. So driving with a good friend made me feel less tense. But still, the instructor is a bit intimidating. I did pretty good for the first day, except the instructor dude kept scolding me for stopping like a foot beyond the stop sign. Jeez. How else am I suppose to see oncoming traffic? Meh whatever. I should be able to pull through it for the next two weeks. Katie makes it SO much better.
I really miss school. I've been out of school for a week and I'm already bored out of my mind. I haven't really accomplished anything on my To Do List for the summer. My friends are being lazy jerks and don't want to hang out, so whatever. I've been trying to get back on track with my poetry, and I have made some progress, but writing poetry is a lot harder than it used to be. Meh. The good news is I have 3 months to do the things I wanted to do. The bad news is that I STILL can't find a freaking job, and I have to start Behind The Wheel in a couple days. I'm so nervous.